“Breathe in, breathe out” I calmly tell myself as terror tries to overtake my mind as my body becomes light and my palms become sweaty. I have been trying to prepare myself for this for days. It’s no big deal apparently according to all the well wishers who don’t have to go through it. I have taken classes, I have learnt visualisation, I have read everything there is on the subject, I try playing mind games, all trying to avoid the realisation that I HATE TO FLY! It's as simple as that. Sure waving good bye to everyone is fun, for those left behind, because they get to stay with their feet firmly planted on the ground. I mean I am sure they will miss me and will be happier when I return but lets face it, I bet a part of them is walking back to the carpark thinking “Thank Christ it isn’t me!”, because God knows I would be thinking that if it was me!
Speaking of the heavenly father, it’s amazing how religious I always seem to become when flying, especially on take off. One little bump and it’s “Oh Lord please allow this plane and all within her (namely me!)to reach our destination safely. Keep them safe on their further travels (just bloody get me back on the ground!).” I figure that if I say it for them he will look kindly on me.
I have been flying off and on for about 15 years now. I have gone to the States and back several times and since my parents ran off to Sydney I have had to jaunt up their 5 times a year or so, but do you think I am over it? You would think I would have learnt the difference between the landing gear pulling up and a wing falling off (Thank goodness that nice stewardess explained it after my somewhat hysterical outburst). In what other situation would you be sitting next to a complete stranger who could well be the last thing you see? I know the statistics, so please don’t bore me again! I know I have more chance of being hit by a flying space ship then I do of being in a plane that suddenly drops out of the wild blue yonder and lands belly up on the earth below, but I don’t care! At least if I saw a space ship coming towards me I could go “Oh a flying space ship!” With a plane one bang and your gone. Stick your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye!
I was in this plane once which if it had been stolen from an early design of the Wright brothers I would not have been the least bit surprised, I mean I was expecting to feel the wind in my hair. Not that Orvil and Wilbur didn’t know their stuff, but lets face it, airplane technology has come a long way, pity these guys hadn’t got the memo! I was sitting there calmly hyperventilating at my impending doom when from over the wing comes a piercing shrieking noise (I made sure it wasn’t me again). The stewards/esses were no where in sight and everyone was looking around wondering if the people in the pointy end knew what they were doing, which is never a good sign. You see I usually go on how calm everyone else looks. Well my heart lurched and my hands got all sweaty and just as I was starting to think about beating up the woman next to me for a parachute out of the depths behind the “secret curtain” come steward boy to explain that it is just the seal pressurising and it happens all the time. Well that wasn’t covered in the inflight magazine!
It feels like we are coming into the land, thank God again! Landings always feel like we are going around in circles, I mean if you bank to the left 4 times doesn’t that make a circle?! Not that I would know what is going on since I can’t bring myself to look out the window, I don’t want to see the ground rushing towards me. Ok breathe in, breathe out. Remember the closer we get to the ground the less it will hurt if we crash. The bumpier the landing the better, I like to know we are on the ground. That sound again, that’s the wheels, the stewardess explained it. And bump! Hoorah, I get to live another day!! Safe on the ground. As I rush down the steps I fall to my knees and kiss the wonderful ground below. I felt like the pope. Now I know why he kisses the ground so much. He’s so close to God and he’s still scared, what hope have the rest of us got?
