Ben sat alone at his desk in the empty office. It was twenty past eight on a Friday night and here he was, head down finishing the presentation to be given in Perth on Monday. The presentation that could change his life, that could change his family's life. His wife had called over two hours ago and left a message with his assistant, but he had not called her. It was not so much that he didn't want to talk to her, more that he was not in the mood for an argument.
When they first met at university it was amazing. They were the perfect couple. He felt fireworks the first time he laid eyes on her. And the first time he took her hand, it was magic, he knew he was in love in that instant and that it would last forever. They were married fifteen years ago and had two beautiful children. He adores them all. However, instead of showing them he cares he stays at work, earning money so that Kyle can have Pokemon, Julia can have the Backstreet Boys and Joanna can have space. He doesn't realise how much Joanna doesn't want space. That she doesn't want to go to bed without her husband and wake to see him flying out the door. She misses him desperately and wants him home.
As he stretches towards the ceiling, looking at the clock he shakes his head as he thinks how much he hates working like this. He glances at his family in the photo on his desk. It's a great shot, one of his best. Taken in his backyard about four years ago with the family on the green Hills jungle gym. Joanna pushing Kyle on the swing and Julia hanging upside down from the bar on top. They were all smiling and so was he when he took it that sunny weekend. A small smile crosses his lips as he places the photo back in its place. The smile disappears as he looks at the presentation that is now finished. He rubs his fingers over his eyes and sighs thinking he will run it past his boss tomorrow. He knows it will be Saturday but weekends don't mean much these days.
This presentation, if accepted, could mean the promotion that would see him make it in this business world. He knows the hours will be hell, he will never be home and that his family might hate it, but he knows they will love the money. He has the illusion anyway that Joanna is used to not having him around and would prefer it that way.
Ben picks up the phone reluctantly to tell Joanna he is on the way home. She sounds just like she always does when he rings this late, tired, irritated and quiet. He doesn't talk to her like he used to; instead he talks to her like she was one of his business partners.
As Joanna puts down the phone she looks at it with a sad depressed expression and shakes her head. She hates it when he works late but she knows he loves it and would probably prefer not to be here. Not with a hyperactive boy and a girl who thinks playing the same annoying song over and over again is a really good idea. She loves her children, like all mothers. She loves watching them grow and learn and become different people. She just wishes her husband could be there to see it.
As he drives home Ben thinks about his presentation. Thinks about the impending flight and all the things he needs to organise. He had never flown before and so wants to be prepared. He had been so busy he hasn't even had time to get a suitcase. He is sure he has one somewhere in his garage, he will get it tomorrow.
Right now all he wants is a hot dinner and to go to bed. When he gets home the house is silent, not unusual these days. Kyle was probably asleep and Julia was most likely reading Dolly in her room. Joanna usually met him to at least give him a kiss and tell him his dinner was in the oven before going to bed. But tonight she wasn't there and when he opened the oven door there was no dinner waiting him. He had never been one of those "Have my dinner ready when I get home!" kind of guys. He never expected Joanna to do anything like that, but she had always taken care of him, made sure he ate right, especially when he had to work late which was all the time recently. He felt a twinge of longing to talk to Joanna about his day, about this big presentation. It suddenly dawned on him that he really hadn't told her all that much about it and he regretted that. When did the space between them get so big? He felt a wave of depression come over him. He decided he really wasn't that hungry and headed to bed.
The bedside light was on, casting a dim light into the hallway. He wondered if Joanna was still awake and if she would be in a forgiving mood. He walked into their room and found her in bed asleep. He walked closer to her, removing his tie and unbuttoning his shirt as he looked at her. She was still so beautiful. As he removed his shirt he looked at her with a quizzical expression. In her hand was their wedding photo, on the bed near her were photos of them on holidays, dinners, one when she was heavily pregnant and he had his ear pressed to her belly. All the photos were only of them and then he noticed her pillow was tear stained. She had been crying over these pictures. Pictures of days gone by when they were at their best, when no one came between them and nothing was as important as each other.
He finished changing and sat gently on the edge of the bed with the photos. He wondered what happened to that relaxed man in the photos. Joanna always looked stunning when she smiled. He took one last look at the photos and placed them back where they had been. He covered Joanna with the doona. He gazed at her for a little while, he didn't want to embarrass her and he thought she really didn't want him next to her anyway. So he kissed her forehead, turning off the light before going to sleep on the sofa bed in the den.
Ben woke in the morning wondering why it was so quiet, then realised that is was Saturday morning and Kyle had little league and Julia had ballet. He should take them one of these Saturdays he thought but then considered that he would have no time after this promotion.
He walked slowly around his empty house, with the end of the piece of toast he made himself for breakfast. It was so silent, so empty, and so lonely. He knew they would be home soon, which he was looking forward to. He knew he wasn't helping Joanna enough. He knew that earning the money didn't mean he was pulling his weight. Joanna did everything cooked, cleaned, took care of him and the kids. Helped them with their homework, took them places and was always there for them. What did he do? He wouldn't even know what stage the kids were at in anything they did. When did he become so out of touch with his family? He knew that he had to deal with this problem but the thought of his impending presentation overtook his mind. He would work the rest out later.
He walked out to the garage. Underneath all the layers that had accumulated over the last 15 years he was sure there was a suitcase. He stared at the mess with his hands on his hips wondering how exactly he was going to attack the chaos. They hadn't been able to park cars in here for years! He attacked the mountain at the base and started to move stuff around. He found the kids old toys, bikes, rollerblades, tennis rackets, old Christmas decorations, gym bags, but not a suitcase. He kept digging until he came upon something that looked like dust in the shape of a suitcase. He wiped off the collected dust and stared at it. It wasn't the suitcase he was looking for; in fact he hadn't seen this suitcase since his mother died. He remembered it being in the items she wanted him to have and he couldn't deal with looking at it then so he put it out here. That was almost seven years ago. He left the mess and just walked towards the house, looking at the suitcase. It was not very large, more of a child's suitcase. He remembered his grandmother giving it to him when he was going to take a road trip with his parents, when he was maybe six. It was blue, with a rough texture and there was no zipper but two locks on either side. He never had a key for the locks they were always undone.
Ben sat at the kitchen table with the suitcase in front of him. He undid the clasps and opened the lid. This suitcase had not been opened since the funeral. His mother had told him before she died to look in here and find himself but it was too painful and he put it out of his mind. He stared at what was inside; there before him were his journals. The journals from when he started writing one in High School to the journals he kept at University. There were about ten, all full of writing. He stopped writing when he got married. He never knew why that was, he just stopped for some reason. On top of all the journals was an envelope with his name on it in his mother's handwriting. He felt a chill run up his spine as he took hold of the envelope. He opened it to find a piece of paper, dated the week before she died. It said simply
