The day has finally arrived. Here I am, standing near the altar, near my friend the bride. Near the coveted spot, the Holy Grail, no not being the bride being the Maid of Honour. I wanted that title so bad I could taste it and I was sure I would get it.

About a year ago the Bride to be announced her engagement to her boyfriend � cheers all round. He was a good man, with a heart of gold, they made a great couple, and everyone was thrilled. At the engagement party the bride pulled me, her two cousins and some friend of hers into a separate room. I thought this was a bit odd seeing as how the Maid of Honour should be asked first, but I went with the flow.

There stood the Bride to be all flushed with excitement and wine. She reached out to us all and said, �I would love it if you would be my Bridesmaids.� We all exclaimed �Yes!� in unison. Bridesmaid 2 piped up with the inevitable question on all our minds �Who will be your Maid of Honour?� I leaned forward in anticipation of the prestigious offer with a �I�m so embarrassed� look on my face. The Bride to be looked a little perplexed. �Well ____is my Maid of Honour of course.�

Maid of Honour being someone she had known for a millisecond from uni. The phrase �It was an honour just to be nominated� came painfully to mind. Hugging and excited exclamations followed and we were ushered outside. Maid of Honour toddled off dutifully behind the Bride to be leaving us in her wake. We all had a look of defiance, revenge and bitchiness about us, well I did at least. I had really hoped to win first place, being one of the Bride to be�s oldest friends. The three of us stood there like stunned mullets and let the magnitude of what happened sink in.

�I need a drink� and with that the war began.

It wasn�t that the Maid of Honour was a bad person, or even not really nice. She was lovely to a fault. Nothing was too much trouble for her. The Bride to be went on about what a great friend she had been etc. Ok so I don�t call as often as I should, I outrank the Maid of Honour in years. So I didn�t live with her after uni, I lived next door for 12 years. So I didn�t drive 60 kilometres when the Bride to be broke up with her boyfriend, I empathised. Doesn�t that count?

This meant war, it was every girl for herself!

It was at the first expedition to find the Bridesmaids dresses that my �Operation Maid of Honour� sprung into action.

The Bride to be was thinking about the colours of blue and gold for her wedding. So I couldn�t stop raving about how fabulous those colours were how they matched everything, how wonderful they would look against white. I made an idiot out of myself and went on and on about it until I was blue in the face. Then the Maid of Honour comes gliding from a shop (she doesn�t walk like the rest of us she glides) saying she found it, the perfect dress. But it was purple. The Bride to be eyes lit up and she said �That�s perfect that will go with everything!� And that was that. I could only stand there with a defeated look on my face. I hate purple. It makes me look like a grape, and I don�t want to look like a grape. Maid of Honour one, Bridesmaid 1 zero.

The dress was perfect, damn her. It was simple, understated and classic. It also suited all the girls to a tee. I hate it. I took it grudgingly into the change room and tried it on. I stood there analysing myself in the mirror disgusted. Perfect fit and it looked great. I wouldn�t be beaten.

�This makes my hips look big!�
�No one will be looking at your hips!� Call the other Bridesmaids, traitors.
�It�s to long�
�We can shorten it�
�I don�t have the boobs for it!�
�Push up bra.� chimed the chorus

My plans thwarted I came out of the change room.

�Ah it looks beautiful.� Came the sincere compliment from the Maid of Honour. The more nice she was the more I hated her.

So the dresses were organised as were the shoes and the jewellery all with a little hindrance on my part. My plan was to try and make Maid of Honour crack under pressure and reveal her true colours, but she remained cool, calm and collected.

After the jewellery incident, where I proclaimed that nothing the Maid of Honour liked would look good on me, the Bride to be said she needed a moment and stormed off. Oh maybe they had a fight! As I went to race after her and offer my services the Maid of Honour caught me.

�Can I talk to you? I realise that I don�t know you very well, but I was if you could maybe try and make this an enjoyable experience. We�ve all got a lot of stress going on, and we don�t need to add to it.�

Then she said something that hit me right between the eyes

�No one is forcing you to be here.� With that she turned and went after the Bride to be.

Oh my god! She was trying to get rid of me I knew it! She smelt threat and I smelt fear, not on your life sister!

With the Bridesmaids basics out of the way there was nothing else for us meagre participants to do until just before the big day. Except I had other plans. Against my better judgement I decided not to intrude on the wedding dress shopping, Maid of Honour could have that little victory. But the hen�s night and kitchen tea were fair game. I planned my strategy.

�Hi Maid of Honour its Bridesmaid 1 here. How are you? Great! Listen I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour. Can I do anything for the kitchen tea or hens night to make up for it?�

I had her on the back foot, would she take the bait, or did she actually have a brain?

�Well the hens is all organised but I could use some help with the kitchen tea games. I was going to ask you guys to help.� �Oh Bridesmaid 2 and 3 are flat out, anything you need just tell me. �

So she did, fell right into my trap. Left all the games to me. Trusting young thing. Time for Bridesmaid 1 vs Maid of Honour � Kitchen Tea style.

The day of the kitchen tea was magnificent. Blue sky, not to hot, all the people arrived on time and the Bride to be was radiant. All the aunties and cousins (woman who were to old or to young for the hens night basically) fussed around the Bride to be giving outdated advice and sharing extraordinary horror stories about weddings gone awry.

The refreshments and decorations were a hit. Then it was my turn. The Maid of Honour handed over the floor to me.

�What are you talking about? What games? You never asked me to do any games, you just ask me to get the cake. In all the wedding confusion you must have forgot.�

I wish I had had a camera, she stood there, mouth gaping looking like a demented meerkat. While everyone was looking at each other, I rolled out the cake. A lovely four-tiered masterpiece out of which popped a gorgeous male stripper dress in a tux.

All the women screamed and I just heard the Maid of Honour say some very choice words. I sat back to watch the mess I had created, blaming everything on the Maid of Honour. I was sure that the old aunties and grandma would pass out from shock.

I sat back with a gleeful expression plastered across my face as I waited for the onslaught and impending dismissal of the Maid of Honour. But wait what was this? The Bride to be was laughing as Maid of Honour tried to explain and then she hugged her! And then something even worse happened, grandma and Co started dancing with Mr G-string.

The spectacular finished, much to the disappointment of the ladies. I paid him $250 out of my own pocket and sent Hercules on his way. Then I pouted for the rest of the day as the now legendary Maid of Honour played her emergency stash of kitchen tea games. I was decimated, but would not be beat. Losing a battle doesn�t mean losing the war.

That night I dreamt the most glorious dreams. It was the day of the wedding. We all looked gorgeous in the powder blue dresses I had persuaded the Bride to be to have instead of the giant grapes. As we mounted the steps, the most dreadful thing happened (if you were the Maid of Honour), she tripped over her unusually long train (and my perfectly placed foot) and broke her leg. Oops. Chaos takes over and the Bride to be is hysterical.

�What will I do?� she wailed.
I stand next to her, placing a loving arm around her white-laced shoulders.
�Oh Bridesmaid 1 will you be my Maid of Honour. I should have asked you in the first place, rather than this unreliable piece of trash!� And with that she kicks Maid of Honour in the leg.

�Of course I will, it would be an honour�
And the wedding goes on. I sign the marriage certificate, I am in all the photos, and I make a humorous, yet respectful speech that gets a standing ovation all while Maid of Honour sits on the sidelines her leg in a cast.

I had several variations of this dream. I lock the Maid of Honour in a toilet and make out like she forgot about the wedding. I tell her the church has been changed and drive her to the middle of nowhere and leave her. I make a prank call to her and pretend the bride is hurt and she disappears. I didn't ever hurt her, I just inconvenienced her greatly. And of course all the dreams ended perfectly � I become Maid of Honour.

The next event on the wedding calender was the Hens night. Maid of Honour organised a tour bus to take us from club to club in the city. Ok not a bad idea. But, unfortunately for her the bus people cancelled (I was happy to pay the $30 cancellation fee) the night before the event was supposed to be held. And with such short notice, nothing else could be arranged. The Bride to be was livid.

�How dare they cancel! What was the reason?�
The Maid of Honour shrugged.
�I don�t know Bridesmaid 1 took the call and I can�t get through to them.�

All eyes swung around on me. 10 females dressed to party, freezing in the street in front of the Bride to be�s house. I am not good under pressure.

�Leave it to me� was my response as I ran into the house to ring the tour bus people and beg them to come, but I couldn�t get through. I tried taxi services, bus companies, nothing. I wanted to save the day. Maid of Honour came into the room and said �Bridesmaid 1 we are ready to go are you coming?� I swung around to look at her.

�How?�
�My brother has a mini-van, he was happy to help� She grinned at me with a look in her eye that convinced me she was onto my plan and had claimed another victory for herself.

We partied into the night. The Bride to be bounced around with a mock veil on and drank everything she could see. I noticed the Maid of Honour wasn�t drinking. I zig zagged my way through the crowd to her.

�Not drinking?�
�Nope, I want to keep an eye on Bride to be. Make sure she has a good night. Plus my brother had to go and I have to drive the van home with all the girls. �
�I see.� I was smiling like a Cheshire cat. �Can I buy you a drink, non-alcoholic of course�.

I ordered a coke for Miss Goody two shoes and a bundy and cola, but swapped them around at the last minute. I decided to keep my wits about me to watch this unfurl. However most of the night is an absolute mystery to me. I drank heaps of cokes, but ended up feeling absolutely plastered. I must have caught a bug off Maid of Honour. She seemed to be fine all night and the next morning, and even offered to fix me breakfast, which I refused.

My last chance to gain the title happened to be the rehearsal dinner, 2 days before the wedding. Everyone was there, the Bridesmaids, the Groomsmen and of course the Maid of Honour. She and the bride had gone on a diet and had lost a heap of weight, I on the other hand had gained and so my dress had to be altered. I really was going to look like a grape. I was lamenting how gorgeous they both were and imagining great ideas like beating the Maid of Honour senseless with my bouquet, creating pictures of her and the groom and planting them or just putting peroxide in her shampoo when Bridesmaid 2 and 3 came over to talk to me. I was hoping they would have some juicy stories to tell me or would at least sympathise with my predicament.

�Are you feeling ok?� Asked Bridesmaid 2.
�Fine, why?�
�Oh I just was wondering if you were ok since you have hardly done anything all night and look really awful.�
Great my cover was going to be blown.

�Nope I am ok, just a bit tired and a bit daydreamy that�s all. Plus I am really upset by what the Maid of Honour said about the Bride to be.� My final assault, pitting them against each other.
�What did she say?� Bridesmaid 3 asked.
�Oh just about what a shame it is that Bride to be picked the dress she did, that her wedding will be a disaster because of her planning and that her hair is like straw. You know basic jealous bitchy stuff.�

Bridesmaid 2 and 3 just looked at me, with surprise. I can imagine they were thinking that the Maid of Honour is a horrible, wicked person who shouldn�t be in this wedding and as they got up and walked over to Bride to be I knew that any moment I would Maid of Honour.

�You stupid cow!� Ahh there it was my victory, except it was directed towards me by a very red faced Bride to be.
�How dare you try and ruin my day with this petty crap. You have been nothing but trouble since day one. I am sick of your games and I am sick of your attitude towards my wedding. If you want to be Maid of Honour so bad, learn how to be a good friend first. I want you out of the bridal party and I do not want you at my wedding.�
She stood there, everyone stood there and just looked at me. I opened my mouth to argue but was ushered out by the groom.

So here I stand, at the back of the church, veiled in sun glasses and a scarf to watch my friend get married. Her Maid of Honour and 3 Bridesmaids by her side (another cousin stepped in last minute). I definitely learnt my lesson. Next time, don�t attack the Maid of Honour, get close to the other Bridesmaids and launch a revolt.

THE END