The Way It Was Before
I can remember, way back in what seems like forever ago--the days before I left home to go to college, when I was different than who I am today. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside I am totally different than who I was years before.
Back in those olden days, I lacked greatly in the realms of self confidence and self esteem. Years as being at the bottom of the popularity barrel because I didn't play sports and because my parents weren't rich left me feeling as if I had no self worth. I watched the guys that I mooned over hook up with the beautiful, popular girls, who overflowed with confidence and esteem. I wanted to be like those girls, but every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a girl who was not cool, was not popular, and who just wasn't as pretty as the others.
For years I felt like this. I had people try and reassure me, tell me that I was pretty, that I was cool, but in my eyes, I just wasn't because I wasn't popular and I didn't have a boyfriend. I wanted that confidence and esteem so much, but it never came to me.
Until last year that is. My first year at college--away from home, away from my friends in an unfamiliar environment--brought about huge changes in me. After years of thinking I wasn't that great, I suddenly realized, "Hey, you know what, I am really cool, and I am really pretty, and guys do like me. All those people I went to school with were just to stupid to notice." This realization brought about newfound self esteem, and confidence. When I looked in the mirror now, I saw what I had always wished to see--a beautiful young woman oozing confidence and esteem.
I was so happy to have this. Things started to look up. I found a wonderful guy, who I began to date, and I was making new friends and everything was cool. Over the summer my confidence grew more, as my friends helped nurture it. They were all glad to see that I finally felt good about myself.
You would think that the story would end here, but it doesn't. this confidence and esteem that I have always wanted is slowly becoming a curse. The male attention I so craved in high school and junior high is now upon me, but I don't want it. I already have someone I care about, but the guys don't seem to listen. This new confidence is like a magnet, pulling guys towards me, when right now I want to just push them away. I now long for the days where guys would just leave me in my own little world. I walk around now in a state of confusion. Years ago I dreamed to be what I am now. Right now though, I wish I could go back to what I used to be.