Janet left the broken shards of her mug where they lay, and sat down at her desk, pulled her laptop out from a drawer and switched it on. She numbly watched it boot up, then typed in her username and password. The military-level security program installed on her machine was a perk of being SGC's smartest personnel's best friend. 'Goddamit Sam, you were my best friend. What did you do that to me for?' Janet thought, despite knowing that Sam's actions hadn't been intended to hurt her.

Janet opened her electronic diary and continued the entry she had started earlier.

While sedating Sam, it became apparent that something about the za'tarc 'inquisition' had bothered her. I'm not surprised - the whole affair unsettled a lot of people, while I personally have little faith in the whole procedure - or the woman running it. I asked Sam what was wrong, believing her to be suffering delusions caused by the sedative. She kept going on about how she and Jack had lied without knowing so, that the machine had thought they had been programmed because of that.

Listening to her, I was convinced that she wasn't experiencing delusions and ordered the med tech to stop administering the sedative. I had hoped that I could get Sam and Jack re-tested before anything irreversibly drastic happened with the President's meeting. I almost wish I hadn't listened to Sam, and that she hadn't been awake to be re-tested, to kill Martouf.

For so long now I have managed to delude myself, managed to convince myself that things are more than they seem - a stray touch was intentional, that any backwards glance on her way up the ramp is for me, that the half-smile when she gets back is because I am there. For so long, I dared to dream that Sam Carter might love me as much as I love her.

Janet's attention was diverted by a knocking at her door. Quickly she shut down her journal, closed the laptop and shoved it to one side. She just hoped her broken coffee cup wasn't visible from the doorway.

"Come." she called, straightening her lab coat. The door opened and the second-last person she wanted to see was standing in the doorway.
"Colonel." She stated, trying to stay calm.
"Doc - I...I just wanted to thank you. You know, for saving Sam and my skins."
"All in a day's work, Colonel."
"It's more than that Doc. If you hadn't stepped in and gotten us re-tested, it would have been the end of our careers."
Janet just looked at him, not saying anything.
"Anyway, " he continued, "I just wanted to say thank you."

Janet sighed a breath of relief as Jack left the room, closing the door behind him. If he'd stayed a moment longer, she probably would have been tempted to throw something at him. Janet slumped over her and put her head in her hands. Imagine how much simpler it would have been to have Martouf kill the dummy President without Sam and Jack being involved. It was an irrational thought, after all it would have still meant an end to Jack and Sam's careers.

Janet's contemplations of 'what ifs' was broken by another knocking on her door. She looked up at the shape outlined in the frosted-glass window. She knew that silhouette, she'd know it anywhere - and she most definitely did not want to talk to the person it belonged to under any circumstances. Janet put her head back in her hands and willed Sam to go away.

Unfortunately, Janet misjudged the degree of Sam's stubbornness - the knocking continued. Janet mentally groaned, and momentarily considered the option of hiding under her desk. She discarded that idea as immature, besides, if anyone really wanted to find her, under the desk probably wasn't the best place to hide.

"Janet..." Sam called out, "I know you're in there, I saw Jack leaving. Can I come in please, I just want to talk."
Janet groaned mentally again. She once more briefly considered hiding under her desk. She knew that wouldn't stop Sam though.
"Come in." Janet called out reluctantly.

Sam opened the door and poked her head inside. She looked at Janet sitting at her desk, looking as unflappable as ever. S am stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. She took a closer look around. Janet actually looked as if she might cry, and her laptop was sitting out - a sure sign that she'd been writing in her journal, a thing she only did when something at the SGC was bothering her. Belatedly Sam noticed a chip of paint missing from the wall and a few shards of a cup peeking out from behind the desk.

Janet's heart sank as she saw Sam's attention drawn to something behind her desk which she assumed was the remnants of her cup. She'd better get this over with before Sam started asking too many questions.

"What do you want Major?" Janet asked briskly, looking down at some papers on her desk.
Sam winced inwardly at Janet's tone and use of her rank as a title - she;d obviously done something to piss her off.
"I want to talk."
"Well I don't."

Sam took a few more steps closer to Janet, trying to get her to look up from her desk.
"Janet...you've been avoiding me since the incident in the gate room."
"No I haven't." Janet answered truthfully, "I've been avoiding you since the incident with the za'tarc machine."
"Fine, whatever. Look Janet, I don't care if you don't want to talk to me, but I'm going to talk to you. I'll talk at you if necessary."

Janet continued to look at her desk and fiddle with pieces of paper.

"Fine - I lost a close friend today. No, worse than that - I killed a close friend today, someone of whom I have fond memories of lifetimes spent together. They may not be my memories, but they are still in my head. Each time I think of Martouf, something from Jolinar pops in. I thought I could come here and talk to my best friend about it, maybe get a hug or something. The last thing I expected was to come on here and be treated so coldly. Whatever I did to piss you off, I'm sorry. But for God's sake - snap out of it and talk to me. What is it that's bothering you?"
"You would never understand." Janet muttered
"Try me..."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want to. And because you'd never talk to me again if I told you."
"You don't know that. Why don't you tell me and find out - I promise I'll talk to you."
Janet looked up at Sam.
"I love you." She almost whispered
"What...?" Sam said surprisedly.
"I said..."
"I heard what you said."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Why? When?"
"About a month after I transferred here. And as for why - well, did you ask Jack O'Neill the same question?"
"Yes."
"What did he answer?"
"That's irrelevant - I want to know your answer."

Janet sighed. At least Sam was still talking to her.

"I love you...because...you're smart, funny, intelligent, beautiful, witty, kind - all those things. You can make me laugh, or make me feel better after a long day. Out of all the people here, you were the only one to go out of their way to make me feel welcome. I like being with you, on base, off base, in the lab, wherever. I just...there are too many reasons for me to list them all Sam."
"I think you did well enough."
"So...what now?"
"I don't know, I really don't know."
"Do, do you love Jack O'Neill?"
"I don't know that either. I guess I could if I let myself."
"Do you want to?"

Sam didn't reply. Janet finally broke the silence.

"Are we still friends?"
"I guess that depends on you. Now that you've told me how you feel, is it possible for us to remain just friends?"
"I'd like to be friends. I mean - if that's the only choice I have. I'd like to still be your friend."
"Well that's settled then."

Silence pervade the room again. Sam made an in-depth study of the floor, while Janet fiddled with pens on her desk.
"So, um, do you want to talk about what happened with Martouf?" Janet asked
"No, not right now. I should probably go now. You know - paperwork to fill out."
"Yeah ok, I'll see you later."

Sam nodded and went to leave.
"Hey Sam..." Janet said as Sam reached for the door handle.
Sam turned around to face her.
"Yes?"
"Um, want to come over for dinner tonight? Cass would love to see you."
"Yeah. Sure. I'll be over at 7pm - that ok?"
"Yeah that's great - see you then."
Sam opened the door and left with a quick wave. Janet stared at the closed door and let out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding.

Janet pulled her laptop back over and continued writing her journal.

Chapter 2
Janet left the Cheyenne base a little earlier than usual that day. Not that anybody really minded - after the events that had taken place, everybody needed a little time to themselves. She went straight home, getting there before Cassie. Knowing Sam's predilection for spicey food, and especially Thai, Janet started preparing a green curry for dinner.

Part way through her preparations, Cassie came home and was surprised to see her adopted mother home already - Janet rarely seemed to make it home before Cassie, and it was a nice change for her.

"Hey kiddo." Janet said as Cassie joined her in the kitchen.
"Hey Mum. What are you doing home so early?"
"I have a surprise for you."
Cassie's eyes lit up. "You're letting me go to the dance party tomorrow night!?"
"Nice try. Actually, it's better than that."
Cassie took a quick look around the kitchen at what Janet had been doing. The excited gleam returned to her eyes.
"SAM!" She cried.
Janet laughed "Yes Cass, Sam is coming over for dinner."
Cass practically bounced into Janet's arms and gave her a huge hug.
"You should go clean up your room young lady. Oh and Cass..." Janet continued as the young girl started bouncing out of the room.
"Yeah?"
"Don't ask Sam any questions about work OK?"
"Sure Mum."
Janet went back to making dinner, shaking her head slightly at Cassie's exuberance.

When the doorbell rang half an hour later, Cassie bounded down the stairs to answer it. Janet finished setting the table, smiling at the sound of Sam and Cass laughing together. Cassie came through, Sam in tow, talking excitedly about various things. Janet gave Sam a wave as she was dragged past. Sam, for her part, gave a quick nod in return. Janet briefly wondered if Sam's lack of response was due to what she'd said earlier, or just because Sam was being dragged along by Cassie.

She shrugged, choosing not to think about it. She knew she'd just upset herself if she kept questioning Sam's every action. Instead of worrying, she finished preparing dinner, opened a bottle of win and left it on the table while she went to serve dinner. Just as she was taking the plates to the table, Cass came down the stairs with Sam following close behind.

"Mum! Sam said she'd help me with my science project!"
"That's excellent hun. Now go and get yourself a drink to have with dinner."
"Can I sit next to Sam?"
"I've already put the two of you together - as if I had any chance of separating you." Janet said, fondly tousling Cassie's hair.

Cassie's absence was filled with an awkward silence, Sam engaged in an in-depth study of the carpet at her feet. Janet gave up any hope of having a conversation with her. Cassie returned, bringing her happy chatter with her. She immediately started talking to Sam, obviously resuming a conversation they'd been having earlier.

As dinner progressed, Sam seemed to relax more, and Janet even shared a few jokes with her - it was almost like old times. Janet just hoped that the atmosphere would last and that she would get a chance to talk to Sam about what had happened between them earlier that day.

After dinner, Janet sent Cassie up to her room to do her homework, followed by a quick reminder that it was a school night and she had to go to bed on time. Despite Cassie's protestations, Sam and Janet managed to convince her that they were right and she couldn't have the night off even though Sam was over.

"So did she have any ideas for her science project?" Janet asked Sam
"A few. I gave her some research tips and told her to decide on one and do some study on it, and then come to me if she needed more help."
"Nothing too dangerous I hope."
"Of course not."
"I know you'll never let anything happen to her. You'd never let anything hurt her. I trust you."
"I know, and thank you."

That conversation had clearly reached an end there, so Janet set about clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher. Sam watched for a few moments before going to help. Sam rinsed the dishes for Janet to place in the dishwasher. With the two of them working together they were quickly finished, and Sam followed Janet into the lounge room where they sat and sipped the last couple of glasses of wine left from dinner.

"Janet..." Sam said, breaking the silence, "we need to talk."
"I know Sam."
"You or me first?"
"I've pretty much said everything I can without hearing from you - how you feel, what you think."

The awkward silence of earlier returned, leaving Janet with a cold dread of what Sam might have to say to her.

"I'm flattered." Sam almost whispered. "You're one of the most sought-after women in the SGC, and even in all of Cheyenne Mountain. You could have almost any man you wanted - and even a few of the women from what I've heard. There's even a running locker-room bet between the marines and the airmen. I don't understand why you'd be interested in someone like me."
"What isn't there to like Sam? I've told you already why I'm interested. Besides - the bet running on me doesn't even compare to the one on you. The civilians are even getting involved in that one. I know Daniel made a $200 bet last week that it would be a civilian over an airman who would get the first date with you."
"You've got to be kidding!?"
"Not at all. I even expect that Daniel is pegging himself as the civilian in question."
"Danny? And me?" Sam laughed. "Daniel is like a brother to me - him and Jack." Sam snapped her mouth shut as if she wished she could take back those last few words.

Janet felt her heart skip a beat, and her mouth was suddenly very dry.

"So..." she started, "so...you don't love Jack?"
"Oh, I love him - don't be mistaken about that. There was a time once when I would have come running if he'd beckoned - but he never did. Time passed on and my love for Jack grew - into something different. He and I would die for each other, but I don't love him the way everyone expects me too. He's a best friend, a companion - my brother. I guess I could make myself love him the way I used to, but it wouldn't be the same - it wouldn't be as strong or complete."
"Does he know this?"
"Not yet. Only you and Daniel do, though I suspect that Teal'c has probably worked it out for himself. I'll have to tell Jack eventually - before his locker-room betting gets out of hand." Sam jested
"I wouldn't worry so much about that - he always bets that it won't be a Marine, more to annoy Makepeace than anything else."
"Well I think he's running a fairly safe bet there. If I were getting involved, I'd bet on it being an airman."

Janet raised an eyebrow at Sam, while wondering if she had a particular man in mind. Belatedly she remember that she was an Air Force Officer, and felt her cheeks going red. She was grateful that the room was mostly dark.

"All this chatter about Jack and bets still doesn't solve our current problem." Sam continued
"It's only a problem if we let it be one. Would it be 'solved' if I withdrew my comments and we just left it at that?"
"I guess. But it would create a whole new problem."
"That being?"
"I don't want you to withdraw your comments."
"Oh." Janet felt breathless - what exactly did Sam mean?

Sam saw the confused look on Janet's face and decided that she should make herself perfectly clear.

"I failed my first semester at college." Sam began, "It was all over something so silly. I'd always been isolated through school - firstly because we moved often and I was always the new girl, and secondly because I always found school so easy and the other students resented that. I thought it would be the same at the Academy - but it wasn't. There were so many bright kids there, and I was just on light among hundreds of others - I thought I'd finally founds a place to fit in." Sam paused before continuing.

"There was a certain freshman in one of my physics classes - not so bright as the others, but still managing to keep up. Cadet Peters. Excellent piloting skills in all the sims, great marks everywhere except maths and physics. Peters knew that I was getting good marks and didn't have much of a social life, so, under recommendation from one of our lecturers, came to me for tutoring. Peter's marks improved, and were soon in the top 5% overall. However, he tutoring sessions had become less and less about maths and quantum physics, and more and more about thermal dynamics and binary systems. They were also rarely taking place in the library, and more frequently occurred in my bedroom - on my bed."

Janet caught on quickly to what Sam was referring to.

"A week before mid-semester exams, my class had its first defensive flying lessons. One particular day, our task was to bring a light aircraft out of a forced stall and land it safely. The plane had been being used all day by students and Peters was the third last to go up. The instructor took the plane to a safe height, put the plane into a vertical dive, forcing it to stall. It never turned back over. As the plane hurtled to the ground, the instructor took over and tried to level it out. We all heard the last radio transmissions before it hit the ground in a giant fireball. Her last words were to me Janet - she called out to me." Tears rolled down Sam's cheeks as she remembered those heart-breaking events of so many years ago.

"I never really got over her death. My grades went down, I became reclusive and depressed. I wasn't the only one whose marks suffered, but they were the most obvious. Everyone blamed it on shock from seeing a class-mate die. Nobody guessed the truth - that I had seen my lover come plummeting to the ground, and heard her call out my name - her last words."

Janet got off the couch and wrapped her arms around Sam.

"I vowed I'd never love another person I worked with, and especially another woman. I've lost everyone I love - Jonas went crazy, my dad has taken off with the Tok'ra, my brother doesn't want anything to do with me, Annette Peters died - and I just killed Martouf. I don't want to lose anyone else."

"Oh hun, you won't lose anyone."
"How can you know that?"
"I can't, to be honest. Who are you afraid of losing?"
"Teal'c, Daniel, Jack, you - everyone I care about."
"Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?"
"Do you think I am?"
"Just a little hun."
Sam put her head on Janet's shoulder. "What do I do Jan? I'm tired of being alone, but I don't want to go through what I did with Annette. I don't ever want to feel that way again."
"Well I think it's up to you what you do. You can hide your feelings and be lonely, in which case you will lose the person you love through inaction. On the other hand, you can take your courage in hand and follow your heart. That way you can enjoy life and be loved. Nothing lasts forever Sam, at least enjoy it while you can."

Sam sat back in her chair and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"You're right Janet. I'm sorry for being silly. You're so, so right Janet - I'm going to follow your advice."

Sam reached out, put her hand behind Janet's head, pulling her in close and kissing her softly on the lips. She pulled back to look at Janet. Her eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted and a look of wonder and enjoyment on her face. Sam couldn't help but kiss her again, a little more forcefully this time.

When she eventually broke off, Janet looked deep into Sam's eyes, her love shining brightly.

"What are you doing Sam?"
"Following your advice Janet." Sam said, before leaning in and kissing her love again.

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