Telling Series
Section 7: Dad
|~ The Hideaway ~|~ Thunder And Confessions ~|
~ A Compass Always Points North ~|~ Meanwhile Back At The
Ranch ~|~ Reality Bites.So Bite Back ~|~
What Goes Around Comes Around ~|~ A Little Fall Of
Rain ~|~ One Last Nightmare ~|
"Sammy, it's beautiful," Brooke breathed when she got out of the car and looked around. And it was. Sam had taken them far off the beaten path to a wood cabin on a crystal clear blue lake far into the woods. All around them were trees and water and wildlife. No cars, cellphones, traffic or other distractions. It was life, pure and simple. Sam got out of the car and smiled.
"Yes, it is. The cabin used to belong to my Dad but Mom and I sold it to a friend after he died. He's letting me borrow it for a while," she explained as she got their bags out of the trunk. "The cabin is fully stocked and has all the amenities of home except a phone or TV. But we do get a radio station and cell reception out here if we need to call home or they need us."
"And Mom knows we're here?" Brooke asked as she went to help Sam with the bags. Sam nodded.
"Yup. I threw the idea at her and she cleared it with Bill, the guy who owns the cabin now. Anyway, let's get the bags inside and I'll show you around."
They set up their stuff inside and again Brooke was awestruck by the simple beauty of the cabin. Two stories and made completely out of logs, it had a kitchen, dining room, a livingroom and bathroom downstairs and three bedrooms upstairs. There was a screened in porch overlooking the lake downstairs as well with a perfect view of the sky.
"This was always my favorite room," Sam said as she joined Brooke on the porch. "I used to grab my sleeping bag and lay out on the floor and stare up at the stars until I fell asleep." Brooke wrapped her arms around Sam's waist and was surprised when she felt Sam stiffen slightly. (What is going on with you, Sammy?) Sam tilted her head to look at her.
"Come on, I'll show you outside."
**
"We can go swimming, fishing, canoeing, anything you want," Sam continued their tour with Brooke holding firmly onto her hand. "And about a half mile that way," she pointed to her right, "is a stream that my Dad used to take me to all the time. We'd fish and talk, just hang out, you know?" Brooke nodded.
"Does it look like the place from your coma?" she asked. They both had stronger memories of that visit now. Sam shrugged.
"Yes and no. I suppose it does but it was distorted by a child's view, you know?"
"We'll have to walk over and see what it looks like now," Brooke suggested. Sam shook her head.
"We will when you're a little stronger," she said softly. Brooke pulled away.
"I'm not made of glass, you know," she said hotly. Sam sighed and looked away.
"I know, Brooke. But you're not healthy either," she answered quietly. Brooke felt her anger rise at Sam's subded answer.
"Neither are you!" she screamed at Sam. Sam picked her head up to look at her. "Or did you think I wouldn't notice? God, Sam, I may have starved my body but you seemed to have starved your soul! You won't let me near you without flinching! What's wrong?" She was crying now but Sam just shook her head.
"Nothing," she shrugged. She really didn't want to get into this now. "I just want you to get well, Brooke." Sam turned to walk back to the cabin but Brooke reached out and grabbed her arm in a deceptively strong grip.
"Don't turn away from me, Sam! Talk to me, let me in those walls you've built back up, please," she begged. Sam just blinked at her blankly. "Please don't close me out, Sammy." Sam reached up and cupped the side of Brooke's face with her free hand.
"Never. But this is about getting you well again, not me. Besides, I'm fine," Brooke opened her mouth to protest but Sam moved her hand to cover it. "Don't. I said I'm fine, so let it go. Come on, let's go inside and get a bite to eat." Brooke stayed rooted to the spot. Sam tugged on her arm.
"Please, Brooke, for me?" Brooke glared at her for a few minutes before Sam gave up with a sigh. "Fine, suit yourself. Stay out here while I cook dinner. And yes, I did learn to cook while I was away. I promise not to poison you," she joked weakly. She walked back to the cabin slowly, leaving Brooke on the grass outside. "I'll call you when it's ready."
Brooke watched her go in silence wondering what exactly was going on. She was so happy to see Sam again but Sam was so distant, so closed off it was like the time spent apart had changed her. And that scared Brooke, she wanted her Sammy to be as before. But she knew the reason they were here was to get back to that place between them. And one of the ways that she could do that was to eat. Sam was obviously worried about her and the only way to alieviate that worry was to eat and get better and as much as the thought of eating repulsed her, she knew it was the only way through to Sam. So she followed Sam into the cabin a few minutes later determined to get through to her strangely distant love.
Thunder woke Brooke a week later. She rolled over to grab Sam in comfort but found the bed beside her empty. Momentary fear that her nightmare of losing Sam had come true flashed through her at the same time a flash of lightening illuminated a silhouette in the window. Silently rolling out of bed, Brooke padded over to the still form in the window and wrapped her arms around Sam from behind. To her relief, Sam didn't pull away but settled in her arms.
"Not sleeping again?" she asked her insomniac girlfriend. Sam shook her head. It seemed to Brooke that Sam never slept anymore or when she did she woke in a cold sweat with a barely contained scream on the tip of her tongue begging to be released. It broke Brooke's heart and she didn't know what to do to help. She was getting better but Sam wasn't and Sam wouldn't let her help.
"Go back to sleep, Brooke," Sam said softly. "I was just watching the storm." Thunder punctuated Sam's words and Brooke couldn't help but think about how the storm seemed to match what was going on with Sam herself. It wasn't raining yet but there was thunder and lightening; Sam was calm but Brooke knew inside she was being torn up by something. Eventually, both storms were going to break and Brooke could only hope that all floodgates held.
"Talk to me, please, Sammy," Brooke asked gently. She heard Sam sigh. "I'm losing you and I don't understand why." Sam turned around in Brooke's arms and looked at her. Another flash of lightening lit up the room and Brooke could see that Sam had been crying before she had woken up. She reached up and wiped away the tears and watched as Sam's eyes closed and new tears leaked out.
"How are you losing me?" Sam croaked in confusion. "I don't understand, I'm right here with you." Her eyes opened again and Brooke could see how lost Sam was. Brooke felt her own tears beginning to well up.
"You're here but you're pushing me away, you won't let me close to you. Since you got back, you've taken really good care of me but you won't let me do the same for you. Look at me, Sam, don't I look better all ready?" Sam nodded. She had to admit although it had only been a week; Brooke no longer looked like she was at death's door.
"Dad really screwed us up. You left and I retreated into anorexia Hell, but after you left, what did you do?" Sam shrugged. "I bet I know. You shut yourself off so that you couldn't be hurt again. It's what you did after your Dad died. It took me so long to get through those walls to you. And now you don't know how to let me close again." Sam tried to push Brooke away but she wasn't able to escape the cheerleader's grasp.
"See? You're doing it again because you know I'm right."
"Stop it, Brooke," Sam hissed as she struggled in Brooke's arms. But Brooke was as relentless as the rain that was beginning to pound on the shingled roof.
"No, you know what else? You haven't called me 'Princess' once since you came home. That's your special name for me. It made me feel special, like I was yours. You haven't made love to me since we got here. Don't you feel that way for me anymore, Sammy? Don't you still love me?" Brooke's voice cracked as she asked her greatest fear. Sam's eyes got wide in shock and hurt. "Cuz I still love you despite my father and his insanity. Despite your leaving me," she added with a whisper and she hung her head. A small sob escaped Sam's lips before she could stop it. Brooke looked to see Sam shaking her head violently.
"I still love you, oh God help me, I still love you," Sam cried desperately. "You are my Princess but I can't do this anymore, Brooke, I'm not strong enough. I don't have the answers I thought I did. I thought going to San Francisco was the right thing to do and Jesus I nearly killed you!" This time she succeeded in pulling away from Brooke and backed away like a wounded and frightened animal.
"I nearly killed you," she repeated in a hiss, her eyes darting around the room. "Because I thought I was right. I thought I had the answers. My foolish pride and arrogance almost damned you! I won't let it happen again. I won't let you close enough for it to happen again. I love you too much. I won't cost you your Dad, I won't cost my Mom her marriage or Mac her father, and I sure as Hell won't cost you your life!" Brooke stared at her incredulously.
"That makes absolutely no sense," Brooke said irritated. "You love me too much to let me get close to you?" Sam nodded. "You stupid ass!" Sam jumped in surprise. "You didn't have all the answers so you're going to give up on everything? On me? You were wrong, is that it?" Sam nodded. "Welcome to the fucking human race, Samantha McPherson! You can't be right all the time, you stupid ass!" Sam just stared at her in shock and confusion.
"And it wasn't the wrong answer," Brooke continued a little calmer. "You wanted to give Dad a little space to figure this out. OK, I understand that. What was wrong was leaving without saying good-bye to me. THAT was wrong." Sam bowed her head.
"I'm sorry," she choked through her tears. Brooke crossed the space between them and gathered the crying girl into her arms.
"I know you are but shutting me out now is the wrong answer. I need you now more than ever. And you need me whether you want to admit it or not," Brooke told her softly.
"I do need you, so much," Sam admitted as she grabbed the cheerleader in a desperate embrace. Brooke's heart felt a thousand times lighter at hearing this.
"Then let me in, Sam. Whether or not Dad learns to accept us, I don't care anymore all I care about is having you by my side. I love you Samantha McPherson. And to Hell with everything else." Sam sniffled and looked at her blonde girlfriend.
"You don't hate me for leaving?" she asked fearfully. Brooke sighed, finally understanding Sam's behavior. The thought that Brooke must hate her for leaving like her mother had must have been tearing Sam up inside. Brooke shook her head.
"Of course not, I just told you that I love you," Brooke reassured her lovingly.
"I love you too, Princess," Sam breathed with a sigh of relief. Brooke brushed Sam's hair out of her face and tugged her towards the bed.
"Think maybe you can sleep now?" Sam looked doubtfully at the bed.
"I don't sleep much anymore," she admitted. Brooke cocked her head to the side in confusion and worry.
"Why?" she asked with a frown. Sam shrugged and looked away.
"I dunno," Sam lied and Brooke saw right though it.
"Liar," Brooke accused. Sam sighed.
"Fine, nightmares. I still have some nightmares, OK, happy?" she asked angrily. Brooke's frowned deepened.
"Why would I be happy that you're having nightmares?"
"That's not what I meant, Princess. I meant are you happy that I admitted it?" Sam clarified.
"Oh. In that case, yes. Very. But unhappy that you're having nightmares at all. Tell you what, you lay down and I'll watch over you in case of nightmares." Sam rolled her eyes.
"Oooh, my own living dreamcatcher, huh? Brooke, how about we just go to sleep?" Brooke shrugged.
"OK, but if you have a nightmare, you wake me and tell me, OK?" Sam nodded.
"OK," she relented letting Brooke lead her to the bed and laying down next to her. She curled up close to Brooke, against her chest, taking the comfort being offered and let her eyes drift shut despite her fear of her nightmares. Brooke could feel Sam shaking.
"It's OK, Sam," she whispered. "Sleep."
"I'm scared," Sam admitted. Brooke held her tighter.
"I'm here and I love you, Sammy. Nothing can hurt you," Brooke soothed. She listened as Sam's breathing became deep and even and she knew the girl had fallen asleep. It wasn't long after that she too drifted off.
Sam looked over at Brooke sunning herself on the dock a few days later and smiled. (Damn that girl is sexy) she thought to herself, her smile widening. (And all mine too. What did I ever do right to deserve her?)
"Enjoying the sun, Princess?" Sam asked as she walked over to Brooke's lawnchair. Brooke opened one eye and squinted at her jeans and t-shirt clad lover who was also wearing a backpack.
"Yup. Aren't you hot, Sammy?" Brooke asked. She was in a bathing suit sunning herself while Sam looked ready for farm work. Sam shook her head.
"Nah," Sam answered. "I'm going on a hike, wanna come?" Brooke's eyes got wide and she all but sprung from her chair.
"Give me a sec to change and I'll be right with you," she dashed for the cabin, knowing where Sam was hiking to. They'd put it off until they both felt better and Brooke was ecstatic that Sam finally felt like hiking to the stream. She pulled on a pair of sweats over her suit and a tee and sneakers and ran out the door to where Sam waited smiling.
"Ready to go, Princess?" she extended her hand which Brooke gladly took.
"When you are," she answered. Sam pulled her in for a passionate kiss and then started walking. They walked in compatable silence for a while before Sam started talking.
"Used to be when my Dad took me on this hike, he'd tell me stories about these woods," she started, her eyes glancing around her in remembrance. Brooke watched Sam as she went through her memories of her father, knowing how precious the memories were to Sam and honored that Sam was sharing them with her.
"He'd tell me stories about Indians, oops, excuse me, Native Americans," Sam grinned at her. "And bears and cougars. I don't know if he made them up or what but I just loved to hear his voice. It just sort of echoed above the trees and whirled all around us until we were the only two people on the planet."
"Like yours is now," Brooke whispered as she pulled up close to Sam. Sam laughed slightly and held on tighter to Brooke's hand.
"Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, I could just listen to him for hours. He'd tell me stories about when he was little and about what it was like before I was born. And then he'd tell me about the things that we were going to do when I got old enough," her voice took on a sad tone for a moment and Brooke's heart broke for her and what she had lost.
"It made the walk seem shorter. You know how long walks seemed when you were little? You just wanted to GET there, but not with my Dad. Not when he was telling one of his stories. It always seemed that we got there too soon."
"Mom never went with you?" Sam shook her head.
"No, she called it `our time', Dad and me. She'd stay at the cabin and cook or something and let us have the afternoon."
"That was really sweet of her," Sam nodded. They crested a small hill and Brooke realized that they were there. (Seems Sam has the same talent her father did)
Below them was the field that she had seen when God had let her visit Sam during her coma. And it was even more beautiful in real life than it had been in the limbo of Sam's coma. There was a lush green field through the middle of which ran a small stream with a small wooden bridge.
"Wow, Sam, I don't think you distorted it at all," Brooke breathed. When Sam didn't answer her, she tore her eyes away from the gorgeous view to check on her brunette girlfriend and found her crying silently.
"What's wrong Sam?" Brooke asked suddenly worried. Sam turned to her and gave her a brilliant smile despite her tears.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," she answered her smile never wavering. "I just haven't been back since Dad died. I never wanted to. It's just like I remembered it." Brooke realized the tears were tears of pure joy and hugged Sam tightly.
"Come on, let's go down to the water," Brooke tugged on Sam's arm and pulled her down the hill. They got to the water's edge and looked at their reflection. For half a second, Sam swore she saw her father smiling back at her. She looked around in surprise getting Brooke's attention.
"What, Sammy? What is it?" Sam looked around another second with a confused frown but then shook her head and smiled.
"Nothing, just a memory, I guess," she shrugged. Brooke looked around.
"Too bad we didn't bring a blanket or something. This'd be a great place for a picnic," she sighed. Sam looked at her and arched an eyebrow.
"Now, what kind of girlfriend would be if I didn't think of everything?" she teased as she slipped the backpack off. She opened it and pulled out a small blanket, which she set out on the ground with a flourish. Brooke smiled.
"My, my, aren't you the clever one?" she asked. Sam laughed.
"Wait, that's not all," she reached back into the bag and pulled out several tupperware packets of food. "Lunch, milady?" she bowed. Brooke bowed back and sat down as Sam set out the food and plates. Set out before her was a modest lunch of chicken breast sandwiches, potato salad, corn chips and a couple of sodas with fruit salad for dessert. Brooke smiled to herself, for all of her anorexia problems, for Sam she was willing to try and get through it.
"Have I told you lately how much I love your cooking?" Brooke asked in all seriousness after they finished eating. Sam blushed. "No, really, when did you learn?"
"Well, it was out of necessity, actually. Brian and Jess Brahm aren't exactly homebodies so it was either learn to cook or starve to death," Sam instantly winced at her choice of words. Brooke reached over and covered her hand with her own.
"It's OK, I understand what you meant," she said with an understanding smile. "That explains why you resembled a stick figure when you busted in like gangbusters that day." Sam's jaw dropped open and Brooke grinned. "Oh, like I'm not gonna notice that you lost a few pounds. I happen to like where your curves are, thank you." Sam blushed again. "You're so cute when you blush."
"Only when I blush?" Sam retorted with a smirk. Brooke snorted at her.
"OK, all the time, I admit it. You're beautiful, Sam," she whispered seriously. Sam leaned across the blanket and kissed her.
"So are you, Brooke. I love you so much," Sam breathed almost as a prayer making Brooke shiver. She grasped Sam's face in her hands and stared into Sam's chocolate eyes with were looking back at her full of love and devotion.
"I love you too, Sam," she answered. She kissed her way along Sam's jawline and heard Sam sigh in contentment. As they lay back on the blanet together, hands beginning to explore, Sam pulled Brooke's face back up to look her in the eye again.
"Are you sure about this, Brooke?" she asked, voice full of love and concern. Brooke smiled and placed a gentle kiss on Sam's lips.
"If you are," she answered back. The searing kiss that ignited every nerve ending in her body she got in response erased any doubt in Brooke's mind.
"You're going to lose them both, you know," Jane snapped at Mike over her plate of pasta. Mike glared back at her.
"I told you I didn't want to have this discussion. If you won't tell me where my own daughter is, then we aren't going to have this discussion," he answered in the same peevish tone. This was life at the Palace without Brooke and Sam. Meet Mr. and Mrs. Bitch-A-Lot. Mike and Jane could barely stand to be in the same room together let alone talk. It was a sorry statement concerning their engagement and Jane was seriously wondering who the Hell it was she was engaged to and why. She set her fork down with a slam and looked back at Mike.
"Tough. You stand to lose more than Brooke and Sam if you keep this up. As much as I love you, I can't stand the way you're behaving," she admitted angrily. Mike huffed at her.
"I'm behaving? You're the one promoting this depraved behavior between our daughters!" Jane rolled her eyes.
"You can't help who you fall in love with, Mike. Jesus, look at us," she pointed out.
"What the Hell does that mean?"
"Do you rememeber how the girls reacted to our announcement about our relationship?" Mike nodded. "They acted like we did it just to spite them and get at them for something. Sound familiar?" Mike turned red.
"But we're in love! How can you call what they have love, Jane?"
"How can you presume to know how they feel?" her voice was beginning to rise and in the back of her mind she wondered if the neighbors were enjoying the show.
"If you remember, Jane, those two HATED each other and now they profess to LOVE each other. I don't see it. I won't accept it!" Mike continued.
"Why? Because they're girls? Because if that's it I think you need to fast forward and join the rest of us in the 21st century, Mike. Homosexuality is no longer in the closet. It isn't something whispered about, hidden or something that happens to someone else's family member. It could be anyone and it isn't something to be ashamed about anymore. Damn it, the stigma attached is being chipped away little by little every day. Those two girls were brave and honest by coming forward and telling you when they could have just snuck around behind your back forever. God knows you're thick enough that you probably never would have noticed!" Mike stood up, sending his chair flying.
"I'm not you Jane," he said lowly. "I can't just be OK with this." Jane rubbed her eyes.
"I'm not asking you to fly a rainbow flag outside the house and march in the God Damn parade Mike. I'm asking you to take a look at your daughter, Mike. A good look and see what your reaction is doing to her. She stopped eating again and we both know that this time, if Sam can't get through to her, we're going to lose her." Mike picked up his chair and sat back down heavily. Jane lowered her voice and spoke softer.
"She loves you, Mike, your opinion means a lot to her. You're the only parent she's had for most of her life and you turned on her and made her feel dirty, ashamed, evil. And you made her feel that by loving Sam she had failed you. Brooke is a very proud young lady who hates to fail." Mike buried his head in his hands as Jane's words struck home.
"She's gay, Jane," he whispered. Jane nodded her head.
"Yes, she is. And she's still the same little girl you raised, that hasn't changed. The only thing that has is that she loves Sam." He shook his head at her.
"How can you be all right with that?" Jane gave him a half smile.
"Have you ever looked at the two of them? I mean really looked at them when they're together and not trying to hide it from someone?" Mike shook his head. Jane's smile grew. "It's beautiful, Mike. Honestly, you'd cry if you could see the love between them. I know that sounds corny but it's true. It flows from every pore of their bodies and it's pure and divine to witness. I've never seen anything like it before. How can I begrudge something that's obviously so right for them?"
"But.but." whatever argument Mike had was lost to him. "I'm going to lose her either way, aren't I?" Jane nodded.
"If you don't get your head out of your ass, yes. And me and Mac too because I'm not raising her in an intolerant atmosphere. It comes right down to this, Mike: don't make me chose between you and Sam. Because you'll lose, every time."
"We have to go home soon, you know," Sam lamented as she chewed on a blade of grass and stared up at the dimming sky. Brooke lifted her head from where it had been resting on Sam's shoulder and frowned.
"You sure know how to kill a Kodak moment," she complained before putting her head back down. Sam stroked the blonde's hair gently.
"I'm sorry, it's just we can't stay here forever. As much as I wish we could, we can't. Reality awaits our return," Sam pointed out. Brooke sighed and buried her face in Sam's shoulder.
"I prefer this reality. You and me and this place. This is us, our place now, Sammy," she said happily. Sam giggled.
"As much as I love being here with you and making love to you out here, I think eventually other hikers might stumble upon us and that would be, oh, what's the word.embarrassing?" Brooke laughed at what the look on said hikers faces might be.
"So?" she challenged. "Let's buy the cabin from Bill and move out here and never deal with my dad again," she suggested. Sam shook her head.
"Again, tempting. But I think we've learned that running away is the wrong answer. Besides, I think we run the risk of becoming little female versions of the Unibomber or something if we do that. Not healthy. Besides, we're not the ones with the problem. Mike and Harrison and Carmen are. If they can't deal, let them leave, I'm through running." Brooke looked up into Sam's face and saw that she meant it.
"Seriously?" she asked, just to be sure. Sam nodded.
"Yes, as long as I have you, Princess, nothing else matters. Everyone and everything can go to Hell in a handbasket for all I care. Just be mine, Brooke, that's all I ask," Sam said her eyes open and vulnerable. Brooke blinked away the sudden tears that welled up at Sam's words.
"Forever, Sammy, without question," she vowed. Sam shifted so she could look Brooke in the eye but so that Brooke was still leaning on her. A little uncomfortable, but who cares?
"Forever yours, Princess," she said earnestly. "Whether or not anyone accepts us. We'll simply move around until we find somewhere that does." Brooke's eyes lit up.
"You mean it?"
"Of course, I would never lie to you when it's this important, love," Sam smiled. Brooke's brow furrowed.
"Uhm, when would you lie to me?" she asked. (Saw that one coming) Sam laughed to herself.
"I wouldn't," she half-lied. Brooke frowned at her.
"That, that was a lie," Brooke challenged playfully. Sam rolled her eyes.
"OK, you know that pink and blue shirt you had?" Brooke nodded. "I'm the one that shrunk it in the wash, not Mom. OK? That was a lie." Brooke reached out and smacked her.
"I liked that shirt," she complained.
"Hey, I liked you in that shirt. It accentuated all the right things," Sam answered winning herself another swat. "Sorry, geez, that was a compliment, y'know." Brooke smiled and leaned in to lick at Sam's neck. Sam sighed happily.
"Don't so that, we have to head back to the cabin before it gets too dark," Sam warned breathlessly.
"What's the matter, Sammy? `Fraid of getting lost?" Brooke asked huskily as she continued, moving lower. Sam moaned.
"I'm not the one who's going to be complaining when it's too dark to see where we're going and we hear something behind us," Sam pointed out although she really was past the point of caring. She felt Brooke smile against her skin.
"Don't worry, I have my Big Bad Sammy to protect me," Brooke purred.
"Uh-huh, remember that when we're being eaten by wolves," Sam whispered.
"The only wolf I'm interested in's name is Sam."
Mike and Jane were waiting for them when they walked in the door. Sam felt like she was walking in front of the firing squad, all she needed was a blindfold and a cigarette. Brooke tightened her hold on Sam's hand as their parents greeted them.
"Sam, Brooke, how was your trip?" Jane asked, relieved and pleasantly surprised at how healthy Brooke looked even if Sam did still look a little tired around the edges. She figured no one else would really notice beside maybe Brooke but Jane was her mother after all and mothers notice these things. Brooke gave a dazzling smile, a smile not seen in a very long time and answered.
"Terrific, Mom. That cabin is beautiful. It's too bad you and Sammy sold it because it'd be a great place to visit from time to time," she beamed. Jane smiled back.
"Well, Bill probably wouldn't mind renting it out to us every once in a while," Jane suggested. She loved the way Brooke's eyes lit up at the thought. (Nice job, Sam) Jane thought.
"Hi, Dad," Brooke said, a little more subdued. Mike nodded.
"Welcome home, Pumpkin," he said quietly. "Sam," he nodded at her.
"Hi, Mike," Sam said slightly confused that Mike even acknowledged her as she and Brooke hugged her mother hello. Brooke took the welcome from Mike as positive and hugged him as well.
"You look good, Brooke," Mike commented. Brooke frowned for a second but it faded as quickly as it appeared.
"Sam took really good care of me, Dad. She's become a pretty good cook," she explained. Jane arched an eyebrow at Sam. Sam shrugged.
"Mom, Brian and Jess aren't great cooks," she pointed out. Jane nodded.
"I see. Well, it's still great to see you both looking so good," Jane repeated Mike's comment. Both Sam and Brooke rolled their eyes.
"Did we miss anything good?" Sam asked to change the subject.
"Not really. Lily, Josh and Nicole have asked about you and you'll be surprised to hear so have Harrison and Carmen," Jane informed them. Their eyes got wide.
"No way!" Sam exclaimed.
"Nu-uh," Brooke said at the same time. Jane laughed.
"Apparently absence does make the heart grow fonder. They feel really bad about they way they acted and want a chance to talk to you." Sam shot a look at Brooke.
"Think we should make them sweat it out a while longer?" she asked. Brooke nodded.
"Oh, definitely," she agreed. Mike cleared his throat and everyone looked at him.
"I want to get a few things straight," Sam had to surpress the ironic giggle that threatened to make itself known at his choice of words. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw both Brooke and Jane trying, unsuccessfully to hide smirks. It didn't help her to swallow the giggle and Mike glared at her.
"Jane and I had a very long talk and I don't want to lose either of you. I care for you both but I am not OK with this relationship," he started. When he saw all three mouths open to protest, he raised a hand to stop them. He was dimly and guiltily aware that at least one of them flinched at the action. "I just want to say that while I'm not OK with it, I won't try to put a stop to it either. But there are rules while you live in this house. This is MY house. You will live by MY rules. I don't want to see it, or hear it, understood?" Two heads, one blonde, one brunette nodded.
"Now that doesn't mean that you can't hold hands or that sort of thing. I am not an ogre, contrary to my past behavior. I'm just asking that you not flaunt it in my face."
"Basically don't singe your eyebrows by flaming?" Sam asked trying to lighten the mood. Brooke elbowed her in the ribs. Mike frowned at her for a second before actually smiling.
"Yes, Sam, please don't set fire to the household furnishings," he attempted to joke. Everyone smiled. "Welcome home."
**
Sam and Brooke returned to school the following Monday to a slew of questions from Lily, Josh, and Nicole. They couldn't believe that Mike had welcomed them home.
"It was bizzare but I guess Mom got through to him," Sam said as they stood at the lockers.
"You look good, B," Nic commented. "Although if you ever pull that stunt again, Spam is going to find herself a sudden widow," she warned. Brooke looked suitably chagrined.
"Ah, the little lunchen meat without her Brooke, the horror," Sam sighed dramatically while putting a hand to her forehead and pretending to faint. Nic glared at her good-naturedly.
"Hi, Brooke, Hi Sam," Carmen said as she reached the locker. Five sets of eyes, two blue, two brown, one hazel stared back at her silently. "Whoa, tough crowd," she laughed nervously. Complete silence. "OK, would it help if I got down on my knees and begged forgiveness?"
"Gee, I don't know, Carm, why don't you give it a try and we'll let you know?" Nicole bit out. "And while you're down there, why don't you try licking the scum off their shoes too since that's right about at the same level you are? Actually, that's an insult to the scum." Brooke put her hand on Nicole's shoulder to pull her back. It was like having your own rabid Versace clad pitbull whose teeth were lined with sharp one-liners.
"Easy, Nic, let's hear her out," Brooke suggested getting raised eyebrows from everyone including her girlfriend. "We owe her that much."
"Uhm, Brooke, we don't OWE her anything," Sam argued. "She went all militant on US, remember?" Brooke sighed.
"And I was wrong, Sam. Very wrong. I was just surprised is all," Carmen tried to explain.
"It's been weeks, Carmen. What made you come around now? April Tuna finally driving you mad?" Sam asked sarcastically. Carmen shook her head.
"No, I just realized that I missed you guys. I was wrong to act the way that I did. I was only thinking about everyone else and not about the two of you and I'm really sorry. And after you left I realized that I could really lose you both over this if I didn't snap out of it." Carmen sighed. "I have nothing else to say except that I'm sorry." Brooke looked at Sam who shrugged.
"It's not much, but it's a start," Brooke admitted.
"And we're not just going to forgive you overnight, Carm. You hurt us pretty bad. But, I guess we can try," Sam paused and scanned the hallway. "Where's Harrison? Mom said he'd called too."
"Hiding somewhere. He's avoiding you because he's afraid you'll lynch him on sight." Sam snickered.
"Smart boy," she sneered. Brooke pinched her lightly. "Ow!" Brooke turned to Carmen.
"Tell him that if he feels the same way you do to come and see us. We'll give him the same deal. He just has to ask first." Sam stared at her incredulously.
"Speak for yourself, Princess. He said some pretty mean stuff and I'm not sure after that that I want him as a friend," she said bitterly. Brooke sighed. She knew Sam had been hurt by Harrison's words but was disappointed that she wouldn't let it go.
"You forgave her for turning you into a hood ornament," Brooke countered, pointing at Nicole who paled and rolled her eyes. Sam gave her a sympathetic look. "Why can't you forgive Harrison for what was essentially a normal reaction for him?" Sam shrugged.
"Argh, fine, alright, if he comes and gives an appropriate apology, I'll THINK about it, OK?" Sam huffed. Brooke smiled, knowing that she won. Sam glared at the smile.
"Thank you Sammy," she hugged Sam quickly so that no one outside their group of friends would see.
"Yeah, sure whatever," Sam mumbled. "Can we like go to class and like, do the learning thing now?" she asked impatiently. Everyone smiled.
"Spam, you are sooooo whipped," Nicole quipped.
Mike watched as Sam entered the kitchen, nodded a hello and went about making herself a snack. He was unsure how to act around her, he had no idea what to say. There was no denying anymore that what she and Brooke had was real and not a passing fling, a plot, experimentation or phase, no matter how much he might wish otherwise. It was genuine, sincere, deep and passionate and came from somewhere deep within their souls. And it scared him.
He had seen the changes in his daughter without Sam when Sam left to give him space to deal with the situation. A gesture he still thought of as mature and left him with a new respect for the brunette reporter, despite his initial over-the-top reaction to the whole situation. In spite of all he had said and done, including raising his hand to her, Sam was still willing to give him what he needed to adjust to the news. She had acted like a responsible mature adult and he had acted like a first class ass.
But he had seen how Brooke had retreated into herself without Sam as her anchor. She had begun to starve herself again as a way to regain control over her life, control he had ripped away from her. Brooke had struggled her entire life with her self-image, why Mike didn't know since she was everyone's ideal of perfection, but Brooke was never happy or comfortable in her own skin. Unknown to Mike, Sam made Brooke comfortable and happy with herself inside and out and he threatened to take that safety away from her.
So she got thinner and sicker and he was powerless to help or stop her. And finally he understood how she felt. While he was initially upset with Jane for calling Sam and then letting the two teenage girls take off on a road trip, he knew that Brooke's only hope for salvation this time lay with Sam.
He saw the girl who bounded in the door, hand in hand with Sam a week earlier, refreshed, rejuvenated and reborn after her little vacation. He knew Brooke's renewed health and strength was due to Sam. He had been so afraid that he was really going to lose her to the anorexia this time. That this time there would be no rescue for her. She would waste away to nothing, growing sicker, thinner with each passing day until she slipped through his fingers and her poor broken heart ceased to beat completely. He was aware that a lot of the blame should that have happened would have rested squarely on his shoulders.
But the girl who came through that door was not the broken shadow of a girl who had been haunting the house in weeks past. No, this girl absolutely glowed with positive energy. The spark was back along with her natural grace, color and personality, plus, much to everyone's immense relief, Sam had managed to put a few pounds back onto Brooke's tall and lanky frame. Apparently Sam had picked up some cooking skills while visiting San Francisco.
He watched as Sam finished making her pb&j (nothing beats the basics) and decided that if nothing else, he at least owed her a thank you for saving Brooke's life-again.
"Sam?" he said softly, causing her to jump in mild surprise. He'd barely spoken to her since she and Brooke returned home. While he was no longer rude or malicious, he wasn't exactly open either.
"Yeah?" she responded warily looking from Mike to the door as if judging whether or not she could beat him to it. It made him sad to know that he now evoked such a reaction from a girl he really did think of as another daughter.
"Could you.would you mind sitting down with me for a while? I'd like to talk to you," he fumbled but finally managed to ask. Sam looked at him strangely for a minute but then shrugged.
"If you're about to go at me with both barrels, Mike, I gotta tell you, I'm too tired to deal with it," she said sadly. Mike took a good look at her and saw that she indeed looked more tired than usual lately. She looked beaten, defeated even. Now he was confused. She had Brooke, her mother's blessing, even Harrison and Carmen were coming around, he wasn't demanding her head on a platter and yet she still looked like she'd lost her best friend.
"What's wrong, Sam? Why are you tired?" he asked genuinely concerned. She gave him an annoyed look but saw that he was serious in his concern and then sighed as she sat down.
"Look, between my nightmares and Brooke's, coming home to either find her or my Mom in tears over this whole thing, dealing with school, you and my own crap, I haven't had time to catch my breath, OK?" she snapped, frustrated. Mike nodded in understanding. He hadn't made it easy for her that was for sure. And she was trying so hard to take care of Brooke and Jane it was easy to see why she'd be getting run down. Unknown to both of them, Brooke had come downstairs to get a bottle of water and was standing outside the room out of sight listening.
"You take care of them but who takes care of Sam?" Sam stared at him in angry shock. Her eyes narrowed.
"I take care of myself, Mike. Brooke and Mom do what they can but when it comes down to it, Sam McPherson takes care of Sam McPherson."
"Lonely way to be," Mike pointed out.
"Worked great after Dad died," Sam shot back.
"You took great care of Brooke," Mike added gently. Sam's eyes softened.
"I love her, Mike. I know that bothers you but I'm done apologizing for something I have nothing to feel sorry for. I wasn't going to stand by and watch her disappear. Besides, she took care of me when I needed it after the accident."
"Because she loves you," Mike said, not as a question but as a fact. Sam stared at him speechless. "I still don't like it, Sam,it's not right." He saw the spark of anger flash across Sam's brown eyes and held up his hand to ward off the oncoming outburst. "Please, hear me out."
"But I love my daughter. And believe it or not, I care for you too. I may not like it or think that it's right but I have realized a few things. 1) This isn't going away or going to change no matter how much I rant or rave or wish otherwise. What I see between you and Brooke is what I hope people see between Jane and I. Pure, unadulterated love. 2) My daughter is gay and you didn't make her that way. This is no twisted plot on your part to tear this family apart. I accused you of destroying this family when I was the guilty party, Sam. I see that now. 3) If I don't learn to accept or at least overlook this, I will lose Brooke, Jane and Mac. And you, Sam. Everything. Because of petty ignorance and prejudice. I'll be alone with no one to blame but myself." Sam nodded.
"Harsh realizations, aren't they?" she asked seriously.
"You gave me the space and chance to make them, Sam. Thank you. And you saved my baby girl from destroying herself. I owe you for that. Again thank you."
"I love her, Mike, more than you can imagine. It killed me to leave her like that," a few tears fell down Sam cheeks as she spoke and were unknowingly mirrored on Brooke's who sat on the floor outside the kitchen door, still listening.
"Why did you, if it hurt so much?"
"I couldn't let her lose you because of me. Do you know what it's like to know that the two people you love most in the world are losing everything because they love you back?" Mike shook his head guiltily. "Yeah, well it sucks big time."
"How long have you loved Brooke?" Mike asked, wanting and needing to understand Sam's feelings for Brooke. Sam looked at him for a minute but seemed to understand where the question was coming from. And she was glad that he was willing to ask, it meant that he was beginning to travel the road to accepting it.
"A long time. Before the accident, I know that much. I don't know when my feelings went from hostile to passionate exactly. I just know that I can't see my life without her anymore," she said honestly.
"Is that why you pushed her out of the way of the car?" Sam shook her head with a smile.
"I love that question," she said dryly. "Yes and no. Yes because I would never be able to see harm come to Brooke if it were in my power to prevent it. If it meant giving my life to save hers, OK fine. I'd die happy in the knowledge that Brooke would wake up to face another day. And no, because no one deserves to get hit with an expensive luxury vehicle, or any car for that matter. Hell, I probably would have done the same thing for anyone, even Nicole."
"Even knowing the pain you'd go through?" Mike asked, slightly confused.
"Eh, pain is temporary, love is forever," Sam said with a wide smile, repeating her father's message. She looked at Mike seriously and the smile faded.
"Do you understand what your daughter means to me?" Mike sighed.
"I think I'm beginning to." Sam thought a minute and seemed to come to a decision before speaking again.
"I'm going to tell you something, something I haven't even admitted to Brooke but it stays between the two of us, understand?" she asked rigorously. Mike nodded and outside the door, Brooke shifted so that she could hear better.
"I never told her this because I don't want her to get upset. She still gets upset talking about the accident but maybe it'll help you understand. Maybe I just need to tell someone this, I don't know. Maybe if I get it off my chest I can finally get a good nights sleep, who knows? But Brooke once asked me what I remembered about that night and I told her just bits and pieces. That was a lie, Mike. You know how they say that a bad trauma will cause the brain to forget the worst of it?" Mike nodded. "Yeah, well, I musta taken a particuarly hard bump to that section of my grey matter because I remember everything. Crystal."
"I can tell you how cold that asphalt was on my back, Mike. I already couldn't feel much below my waist. But there were three rocks digging into my back as I lay there bleeding in Brooke's arms. My head hurt like a son of a bitch and I felt like I was drowning, I couldn't breathe. I was cold, scared, hurt and I was sure I was about to die. And then she was there, Mike. My own beautiful golden angel, Brooke, holding me and keeping me safe. Once I knew she was OK I could let go. I never thought she'd feel the same for me as I did for her but the fact that she was right there for me as I lay dying made me feel less afraid. And my pain faded when she smiled at me." She was crying as she spoke, her voice cracking in places and Mike was a wreck as Sam relived that awful night in front of him. She was letting down her walls for him to see and he was honored to witness her this vulnerable.
"I was content to die right there, Mike, because I had done what I set out to do and she was alive, breathing and safe. I thought I saw my Dad on that street, calling out for me to join him. I heard him and then I heard Brooke speaking to me in that beautiful voice of hers and as much as I missed my Dad, I had to listen to Brooke. She sounded so sad. I had to hold on if only for her. I opened my eyes and saw her and everything else faded away and my entire world consisted of only her."
"Jesus, Sammy," Brooke sobbed quietly outside the room although no one heard her.
"When they put me in that ambulance, I tried so hard to hold on to her because I knew I was losing the fight. I knew I was either going to die or at least slip into unconsciousness and I wanted the last thing I saw, my last thought not to be of my pain or the accident, but to be of Brooke. And do you know what the last thing I saw was?" Mike shook his head as he wiped away some of his tears. Sam smiled.
"I saw her smile at me. That warm `everything will be all right' smile that just lights up her face and warms you from within. And I believed her, Mike. And I came home from my coma to that, never expecting things to work out the way they did. Never dreaming that they would, but they did. And you know what? I wouldn't trade any of it. Not a rock, a stitch, a twinge when the weather turns, a scar, a nightmare, or any of it. No regrets, nothing. It was all worth it."
It was several minutes before Mike could form a response to Sam's confession. He sat there crying for a while and Sam just waited knowing that at last he was coming to terms with the truth whether he liked it or not.
"And you never told her this?" he finally managed to ask, his voice raspy from tears. He remembered that night all too well when the doctor outlined Sam's injuries. Knowing that the girl remembered and lived with every ache and pain and had never said a word was emotionally traumatizing to him and also made him look at her in a new light. There was a strength to Sam that Mike would never understand or could ever hope to emulate. Sam shook her head.
"I don't want to hurt her. She feels enough pain over the whole thing for both of us as it is. Do you think we'll ever both get over it, Mike?" Sam asked, sounding very much like a lost child. Mike shrugged.
"I can't say, Sam. I'd like to hope so. Scars fade and eventually so do memories." Sam nodded, satisfied with the answer.
"So, are we better?" she asked, using her hand to indicate herself and him. Mike gave her a small smile.
"I can't wave a magic wand and suddenly be OK with this whole thing, Sam, I don't work that way. But you and Brooke were right in the first place, we should have sat down and talked this out. I was wrong to have acted the way I did. Maybe with time I can learn to accept it."
"Time is something we have lots of," Sam told him happily.
"And I never would have hit you," Mike looked away ashamed. Sam reached out and put her hand over his.
"I know, heat of the moment. I shouldn't have slapped you either. Draw?"
"Draw," Mike agreed, glad to be let off the hook by Sam but still feeling guilty. "Have I ever told you what an amazing individual you are?" Sam gave him a lopsided smile.
"Not for a very long time," she said honestly.
"Well you are. Most people would have hated me for my reaction to you and Brooke, the way I acted, the fact that I tried to hit you."
"Mike, if I can forgive Nic for running me over, I can forgive anyone."
"Still, Sam, thank you."
"It's a start."
"Why didn't you ever tell me you remembered everything about that night?" Brooke demanded quietly as she entered the kitchen after her father left. Sam choked on her Pepsi and turned an unsightly shade of red as she tried to get the carbonation out of her lungs.
"Jesus," she gasped, "will you people please stop ambushing me with things like that when I have food in my mouth? One of these times I'm gonna choke to death," she complained. "Then where would you be without my unique brand of sparkling company?" Brooke walked closer, a dangerous and hurt look in her eyes. Sam looked away, unable to keep her gaze.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she repeated, almost in Sam's face now. Sam shrugged wordlessly. "I heard you talking to Dad so I know the whole thing." Sam brought her head up to meet Brooke's and was saddened by the tears she saw there.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled. Brooke cupped both sides of Sam's face.
"You could have told me, Sammy. That's a lot of baggage to carry all by yourself," she whispered. Tears ran down Sam's face as she looked away again. She shrugged, unable to answer Brooke for a minute.
"I got it," she responded lamely as she sniffled. Brooke sighed.
"Who takes care of Sammy?" Brooke asked, paraphrasing her father's earlier question. Sam met her eyes for a second and then looked away again.
"You do," Sam whispered.
"All this time and you didn't tell me you remembered all that," Brooke pointed out softly as she wiped away Sam's tears with her thumbs.
"Didn't want to upset you. Besides, I got it," she repeated a little stronger. Brooke sighed again. (Damn the girl and her stubborn streak) Brooke knew what this was. It was one more Sam McPherson wall built to protect the girl from letting anyone too close to her emotions and while Brooke herself was inside those walls as opposed to outside now, this was the one wall she didn't even know existed. But she knew if they were going to move on, she was going to have to get through it. (Just gotta push a little harder)
"So much pain." Brooke started only to have Sam pull away like she'd been burned. She looked at Brooke, her eyes begging just as much as her voice.
"Brooke, please," her voice cracked. "Don't." Brooke pulled Sam back to her. She wasn't letting her escape this.
"Let me in Sam," Brooke asked. Sam shook her head vehemently.
"Please don't. I can't. I've got this. I'm OK," she rambled desperately although her eyes told Brooke differently. They told Brooke how lost, lonely and hurt Sam really was and it broke Brooke's heart. Not that Sam wouldn't share but that Sam had been carrying this burden for so long and that she had never noticed.
"Sam, you've been walking around with this for months, joking about it and laughing it away. You hold me when I cry about it, you soothe my fears when the nightmares wake me screaming and tell me to let it go but what about you? Who takes care of Sammy?" she again repeated. Sam tried to shake her head but Brooke held it firmly in place.
"Brooke, don't.please," Brooke could see Sam's resolve fracturing as the tears began to fall faster. She was starting to shake in Brooke's arms and her breath was coming in jagged gasps.
"Let it go, Sam," Brooke whispered. Sam shook her head, succeeding this time and tried to blink away the tears, unsuccessfully.
"If I do, I might never stop," she whispered back desperately. Brooke leaned in closer and kissed her lightly.
"That's OK, I'll be here. I'll take care of you, Sammy. I promise." That was all Sam needed as she leaned into Brooke's arms and began to cry in earnest. "That's it, Sammy, let it all go. I'll be right here." Sam collapsed to her knees as sobs, pent up since the accident, racked her small body and Brooke cradled her long after the girl had fallen into an exhausted fitful sleep on the kitchen floor.
"Maybe now the nightmares are finally over," Brooke whispered to the slumbering form as she pressed a kiss to Sam's temple and drifted of to sleep as well.
THE END
FOR NOW
BWAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...damn I'm evil...
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