High School Hell
|~ Breaking Down The Walls ~|~ Gotcha ~|~ Primal Screams ~|~ A Different Kind Of Therapy ~|~ Turnaround Is Fair Play ~|
Brooke walked into Sam's room and found her love curled up facing the window. Even facing away, Sam looked broken, defeated. Brooke's heart went out to her and she cursed the cosmic masses that kept putting Sam through such punishment.
"Sam, we need to talk," she said, breaking the eerie stillness of the room. Sam rolled over slightly but didn't face Brooke just yet.
"Go away, please," Sam begged. Brooke shook her head.
"Nope, can't get rid of me that easily," she declared confidently.
"I don't want you here," Sam snapped.
"Liar," Brooke accused. Sam glared for a second before looking away again.
"I don't," she insisted hotly. "I don't want you anywhere near me."
"Tough because I'm not giving up that easily," Brooke told her. Sam shrugged.
"Suit yourself but I all ready have." The words chilled Brooke straight through. She approached the bed.
"What?" she whispered. Sam turned slightly to face her and Brooke could see the empty look Nic had warned her about in Sam's eyes. Sam had indeed given up. Brooke shivered at the sight.
"I give, I surrender, I resign, I yield, I submit, I acquiesce," Sam started.
"I get the point," Brooke sighed. "Now explain to me what that means."
"I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'm tired of explaining myself over and over to people whose business it never was to begin with. I'm tired of watching you hurt because of it so I'm putting an end to it now. I'm giving you your out, Brooke. Take it, no hard feelings," Sam explained. Brooke looked at her dumbstruck.
"Do I mean that little to you?" she asked quietly. Sam shook her head.
"No, you mean that MUCH to me. I'm letting you go because it's the right thing for you, Brooke, I'm not." Brooke rolled her eyes.
"And you came to this brilliant deduction when?"
"While I was lying on the grass in agony. I realized that I never want you to experience that, Brooke. This has to stop. And the only way to spare you that kind of pain is to end this now before we get in any deeper," Sam said sadly. Brooke glared at her angrily.
"How deep is too deep, Sam? Huh? Tell me. Because honestly, I can't imagine my life without you in it," she started.
"We'll still be stepsisters and I hope friends," Sam broke in.
"That's not what I meant, Sammy and you know it," Brooke snapped. "I can't imagine my life without you beside me to live it. When I wake up in the morning, yours is the first face I want to see. When I go to bed at night, yours is the last face I want to see. There is no one else I ever want to make love to or have make love to me."
"Brooke, just stop it," Sam said.
"No, you said your piece and now I'll say mine. When you threw me out of here, I felt like someone crushed my soul, Sam. I thought I was going to die it hurt so bad to be turned away by you," she was starting to cry and was disturbed by the fact that Sam seemed uneffected.
"How can you just shut off your emotions like this, Sam?" she asked. Sam shrugged.
"Practice," she answered boredly.
"Old habits," Brooke realized. "I thought we broke you of this one." Sam shrugged again. Brooke tried another method of reaching her. "What if I stopped eating again?" Sam stared at her in horror. (Well, at least it's a reaction) Brooke thought.
"You wouldn't," she claimed. Brooke shrugged.
"If you can revert to your old defense mechanisms, why can't I?"
"Mine won't kill me," Sam shot back.
"I wouldn't be so sure," Brooke muttered but Sam heard her.
"SO FUCKING WHAT?" Sam screamed, startling Brooke with the power behind it. Brooke looked at her in surprise as she finally realized what was wrong with Sam.
"Do you wish that you were dead?" she asked disbelieving.
"Wouldn't you?" Sam retorted angrily. "I am so sick and tired of all this crap! First, I get splattered on the asphalt like a three-legged raccoon, end up paralyzed and aphasic, recover and begin a relationship with my former rival and stepsister, the only bright part of that experience."
"Then we come `out' to the people in our lives only to have some of them react horribly and lose friends and I almost lose the love of my life to her own inner demons because of my own arrogance. But we get past that and our own nightmares only to start at square one because of some religious zealot and a school-wide case of raging homophobia!"
"Any or all of it I could probably deal with on its own but then I hear my love's own voice saying that she only loves me out of pity and for the attention that it gets her. Pardon me for wanting to push the button on my morphine drip a few times too many," Sam finished. Brooke shook her head in shock.
"You know that tape was fake," she pointed out.
"Well, duh! From the second it started. But it didn't make hearing it hurt any less because of the possibility, Brooke. We have to stop now, while we still can."
"I can't," Brooke said evenly. Sam stared at her with her mouth open.
"Excuse me? You're 17 years old, you don't form life long attachments at 17," Sam informed her.
"I have," Brooke countered. "I'm not you, Sam, I can't just shut my emotions off. I love you, inside and out and I'm not just going to stop because you tell me to." Sam looked away.
"I hope you like it on that one-way road, Brooke, cuz that's where you're going to find yourself," Brooke slapped the side of Sam's face she could reach. Sam looked at her in shock.
"Snap out of it, Sam. This self-pity trip is getting tiresome," Brooke growled.
"Tell me something, Brooke," Sam ground out through clenched teeth and Brooke knew she was getting to the heart of the matter. "How much am I supposed to take? Huh? When do I get to say `enough'? When do I get to put my foot down and say `no more'?"
"I have taken everything thrown at me in stride, or at least the best that I can but no matter what I do I can't seem to catch a break. If I turn left, I should have gone right. Nothing ends up the way it should. The only thing that's ended up halfway decent is you and even that's screwed up now."
"You did that to yourself," Brooke pointed out to her. Sam sighed.
"I'm doing what's right," she told Brooke. "You shouldn't be with me, Brooke. You should be with a guy who can give you the traditional picture. The little house with the white picket fence, the dog and the two point five kids playing in the backyard. Without the strife and agony or the uphill battles and condescending looks or bigotry. I can't give you any of that, Brooke. I want what's best for you and that's not me," now Sam was starting to cry. Brooke moved to hold her but Sam pulled away.
"Why are you making this difficult?" Sam asked. "I'm trying to do the right thing for you and you're making it hard. You're being impossible."
"Me? You're the one not making any sense. I love you, not some phantom guy and what could be. Screw the traditional picture, Sammy. We can have our own version someday I just know it. Complete with the little house with the white picket fence, the dog and the two point five kids playing in the backyard. I don't want any of those things unless you're in the picture too, Sam."
"I'm so tired, Brooke," Sam lamented. Brooke was worried. They'd hit Sam's breaking point hard and she wasn't sure what to do. She thought back and heard her father's words from that night in the kitchen.
"What did she do when you wouldn't take help after she left?"
"She waited me out, was patient and loving but firm until I listened. She let me know that she wasn't letting me go and that she loved me," she'd responded.
"I think you have your answer. Remember that when the road gets rocky, Brooke. It probably won't be easy, we both know how stubborn the girl can be. Stand by her, Brooke and hold on to her. If you do that, then she'll have no choice but to let you help."
"I love you, Sam," she said firmly. "Despite everything you've said recently. And I'm not letting you go. Not now, not ever. It's going to take a lot more than a religious nutcase, a hockey stick and your twisted logic to get rid of me. So get used to me being here whether you want me here or not. I love you," she repeated.
"Brooke, please," Sam begged, her composure cracking.
"No, and I'm not going to let you kill yourself by shutting down either. You tried that once and I pulled you out and I'll do it again. I'm here to stay, Sammy. I know you love me, even if you don't say it."
"This is too hard," Sam complained quietly.
"The things in life worth having are never easy, Sammy," Brooke whispered. "But you're worth having, worth fighting for even if I have to fight your own stubborn pride."
"Please leave me, I'm trying to do the right thing," Sam cried. Brooke shook her head.
"Tell me you don't love me and I'll leave. No more arguments," Brooke challenged. Sam stared at her in shock. Brooke looked at her intently, silently daring her to say it.
"Say it, Sam. If you really want me out of your life, tell me you don't love me," she repeated praying Sam wouldn't.
"I do love you," Sam sobbed, unable to stop herself. She wanted to do what was right and she thought that letting Brooke go and have a normal life was it. But Brooke didn't want that, she wanted her and now Sam didn't know what to do. So she cried, out of relief and fear. Brooke pulled Sam to her and Sam let her, collapsing into the embrace.
"I'm so sorry," she sobbed into Brooke's shoulder. Brooke stroked Sam's hair and whispered calmly to her.
"I know, I am too. We'll get through this, Sammy. I promise."
"How?" Sam asked. Brooke shrugged.
"I dunno. Same way we always do, Sammy. Together, one day at a time."
"But what if it's not enough this time?" For that, Brooke really didn't have an answer.
"It has to be, Sammy, because I'm never letting you go," was the best she could offer.
"Hiya, Becky," Nicole greeted her victim with false sweetness.
"Yeah, hiya Becky," Mary Cherry and Lily chorused. Becky backed away nervously. They were all in the Novac and she watched with increasing alarm as Carmen locked the door.
"Uh, hi guys," she stuttered. The four seniors advanced on her menacingly.
"We know what you did to Sam," Lily said flatly. "We want to know why."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Becky claimed still backing up and entering the first stages of full-blown panic. Nic held up the tape recorder and pressed play. The Novac was filled with Brooke's voice from the altered conversation.
"That is what we're talking about," Carmen hissed.
"We know y'all played wit' the tape ta make poor Sammy think Brookie wuz playin' wit' her," Mary Cherry growled. Becky was all out panicking now.
"Pierce put me up to it!" she blurted out. "He's got it bad for Brooke, we're taking `shrine in the bedroom' stalking here. And having her turn out to be gay just made him snap!"
"That doesn't explain why you played with Sam's head the way you did," Nicole argued while the thought of Pierce stalking Brooke frightened her. Becky shook her head.
"He knows he's got no chance with Brooke but he doesn't want Sam to have her either. God, you're lucky he didn't kill Sam," the four senior gaped at Becky in shock. "He had me do the thing with the tape thinking that Sam would break up with her and that Brooke would go back to dating guys, at least she wouldn't be `evil' anymore."
"But why do it? What was in it for you?" Carmen asked.
"I love Pierce. Or I did until he lost the two marbles he actually had. I would do anything for him, but not anymore. I don't like this hurting people," Becky confessed.
"So what happens to Pierce now?" Lily wondered.
"I told his parents about his `Brooke' problem and on top of his attack on Sam, he's hopefully going to be in a psychiatric facility for a while," Becky told them.
"An' what `bout sweet lil' Deep Throat ov'r here?" everyone just kind of looked at Mary Cherry strangely for a second. Nicole smiled.
"Oh, I'll think of something, eventually." Becky shuttered to think what that could possibly mean for her.
Brooke was getting worried. Sam had been home a week and it'd been two since she'd gotten through to Sam in her hospital room and while Sam was again progressing in rehab, the brunette was still dangerously depressed. Everyone noticed it. The spark that was uniquely Sam McPherson was gone and it was scary to Brooke. It was like Sam was only doing as she was told and beyond that she could have cared less.
"Sam?" she called to get the other girl's attention. Sam looked up from her magazine.
"Hmmm?" another thing was that Sam didn't speak unless you really provoked an answer out of her. Her responses consisted of `hmmms' and `uh-huhs' unless you made her vocalize more. Brooke actually had to put effort into making Sam talk and that was out of character for Sam.
"Is everything OK with you, outside of the rehab stuff I mean? You seem a little withdrawn lately," Brooke said evenly. Sam looked at her blankly.
"Uh-huh," she answered blandly. Brooke had to force herself not to slap Sam across the face.
"Stop that, will you?" Sam blinked at her. "You have a wonderfully, obnoxiously large and copious vocabualry that you delight in using if only to make other people feel inferior. Stop with the caveman grunts for answers and talk to me," Brooke ordered. Sam set down her magazine.
"I'm fine," she said curtly. "Happy?" Brooke shook her head.
"No, you're shutting everyone out again, don't deny it," she accused. Sam shrugged.
"My choice," she responded. "I gave you the opportunity to leave if you didn't want to be here and you stayed. There's the door if you've changed your mind."
"Do you love me?" Brooke countered. That threw Sam for a second.
"Yes, of course I do," she finally answered. "God, what a stupid question."
"Then why do you keep trying to get rid of me?"
"Brooke, if it's too hard for you to watch me like this than leave. I won't hold it against you," Sam told her.
"I love you and I'm not going to leave you because of some stupid chair," Brooke huffed angrily. Sam shrugged again.
"Suit yourself but stop getting on my case because I don't feel like talking. If you don't like the way I'm dealing, leave but stop trying to get me to change," Sam snapped back.
(Well, Brooke, that went well) Brooke said sarcastically to herself. (Drive her farther away) She watched as Sam went back to her magazine. (There has to be an easier way)
"Have they given you a timetable as far as walking goes?" Brooke asked trying again to engage Sam in a conversation. Sam sighed heavily and put the magazine down again. She glared hotly at Brooke.
"Another few days and I start with the bars," she snapped. "Now, do you think you can leave me alone? I'm trying to read." Brooke got up and snatched the magazine away from Sam. Sam growled at her. "Give it back."
"Come and get it," Brooke challenged. Sam looked at her in pure fury.
"You know I can't, that's not funny," she hissed. Brooke waved the book in Sam's face, just out of reach. She figured if Sam was going to focus on being angry, she was going to royally piss her off.
"You want it back, get off your lazy, pathetic ass and come get it," she taunted. Sam's face turned red.
"Go eat a Ring Ding you scrawny, emaciated, anorexic, wretched excuse for a popular icon," Sam spat venomously her eyes almost glowing. Brooke felt every word as a physical blow to her mid section. "You make me sick, you self-righteous, self-centered, self-starving, poster girl for the Arian nation!" Brooke blinked at her in surprise.
"Yeah? You're a self-diluted, self-pitying, self-indulgent, spoiled, whining little brat!" she screamed back. "You don't care about anyone but yourself anymore! You're not the only one hurting, Sam!"
"I don't see anyone else restricted to a wheelchair, Brooke!" Sam shouted back. "If anyone else is hurting, it's nothing compared to being reduced to having to depend on others."
(There we go) thought Brooke (the crux of the matter)
"You hate not being independent, don't you?" Brooke said more as a statement than as a question. Sam continued to glare at her in silence. Brooke already had her answer. "You'll be out of that chair soon enough," she pointed out.
"But I'm in it right now," Sam said bitterly. "And I'm not going to drag you down with me so just leave," she said plaintively. Brooke shook her head.
"Nice try. Especially after all you just said, but no, I'm here to stay." Sam sighed.
"Suit yourself," she muttered as she settled back on the bed and closed her eyes. Now it was Brooke's turn to sigh. (And back to square one. Well, at least I tried)
**
Brooke found Sam sitting on the floor of the bathroom later the next week, staring intently at the empty pill bottle in her hand. Brooke's heart dropped to her feet.
"You didn't," she whispered in horror. Sam looked up at her with a frown.
"And if I did?" she responded. Brooke was very nearly ill at the thought.
"We have to call an ambulance," Brooke said.
"Oh, goody, the hospital again," Sam said snidely. Brooke's worry turned to anger.
"What the Hell is the matter with you? Don't you care that there are people that love you and would mourn you if anything happened?" she yelled.
"I suppose," Sam said around a huge yawn. Brooke bent down and hauled Sam to her feet. She was out of the chair and walking, albeit with crutches or a cane mostly.
"Come on, we're taking you to the hospital," she said firmly.
"No we're not. I didn't swallow the whole prescription, Brooke. I took the last two, as prescribed. I'm just tired cuz they make me that way," Sam sighed. Brooke got angrier.
"Then why did you let me think you did?" she demanded to know.
"You assumed," Sam told her. "I merely asked what would happen if I had swallowed the whole thing."
"You've become a real ass, you know that?" Sam yawned again.
"Whatever. Besides, if I was going to do it, I'd slit my wrists," Sam explained as Brooke set her in her bed.
"That's really not funny," Brooke scolded.
"I'm not kidding," Sam answered seriously. Brooke stared at her for a minute. "Hell, Brooke, I've thought about it. There's only so much a person can take." Brooke blinked away tears.
"Promise me you won't," she asked. Sam didn't answer her. "Sam?"
"Stay with me tonight?" Sam said instead. Brooke frowned. "Please?" With a nod, Brooke crawled into Sam's bed. Sam curled up against her.
"I love you Brooke," Sam whispered.
"If you love me, promise me you won't do anything stupid," Brooke whispered back. Sam was quiet for several long minutes.
"I love you Brooke," she finally repeated.
"I love you too, Sam," Brooke answered with a sigh. "Please don't forget that."
Sam sat glaring at the picture on the wall. It was of a ship being tossed on a stormy sea. It was a nicely done painting, Rembrant, she figured, she just didn't want to be there so she wasn't all that interested in it.
"I usually compare that picture to my patients," her therapist, Jennifer, said from her seat a few feet away. Sam shrugged.
"Whatever," she mumbled.
"It represents the battle within them, the storm. But underneath all that turmoil somewhere is the calm they seek, you just have to find it," Jenn explained.
"Again, whatever," Sam said.
"What would you like to talk about, Sam?" Jenn asked. Sam fixed her with a bored stare.
"Technically, I don't want to talk about anything," she responded. "I don't even want to be here." Jenn nodded.
"But your parents thought it would do you some good," she said gently. Sam rolled her eyes.
"Parent," she annunciated. "I only have one, my Mom. Mike is going to be my stepdad and I couldn't give a rat's ass what he thought."
"You don't like him much, do you?" Sam laughed bitterly.
"And to think you wasted all that money on college," she scoffed.
"OK, you don't want to talk about Mike. How about Brooke?" Jenn suggested. Sam arched an eyebrow.
"What about her?" she asked. Jenn shrugged.
"Well, I met her in a session the other day. Your parents thought therapy might be good for her too. She's a very nice girl and very fond of you, I might add. And very concerned about you too." Sam shrugged.
"Yeah, well, good for her," Sam muttered. Jenn tilted her head slightly.
"Brooke tells me you two are involved with each other. Are you happy with her?"
"Whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality?" Sam shot back. "I don't think you should be telling me what you and Brooke talk about."
"She's extremely worried about you Sam and told me to do whatever I could to reach you," Jenn explained. "She loves you."
"I know," Sam sighed.
"And that bothers you?" Sam sighed again.
"When it causes her the pain it does, yes. She could do so much better than me, I wish she'd realize that." Jenn leaned forward slightly.
"She loves you with all her heart, she told me herself. She wishes you'd see that."
"I do," Sam responded.
"Do you love her?" Jenn asked. Sam looked at her like she was the stupidest person on the planet.
"Are you sure you're a licensed therapist? Of course I do you nitwit! What kind of asinine question is that? Did you get your degree out of a CrackerJack box or what?"
"Sam, there's no need to be insulting, it was merely a question," Jenn protested quietly.
"But insulting is what I do best these days," Sam retorted. "Insulting and angry are my fortes."
"Why do you figure that is?" Sam considered this carefully.
"Because if I wasn't angry and insulting everyone around me I might take the time to actually think about what's happened to me and I might lose what control I actually have left. And I am not about to let that happen."
"Why?" Jenn prodded. Sam smiled without humor.
"Nice try, Jenn. But I'm smarter than that. Oh look, times up. Gotta go."
**
"Since your individual sessions didn't seem to be doing you any good, Sam," Jenn said two weeks and four headache inducing appointments later, "I thought maybe a joint session with Brooke might be more helpful." Sam rolled her eyes.
"Whatever," she sighed. (Really, all I want is to be left alone. Why can't anyone see that?) Sam heard Brooke sigh heavily.
"Brooke," Jenn began, "why don't you tell Sam some of what you've been telling me?" (Oh, this is going to suck) Sam knew.
"I'm afraid that she's shutting me out, that she's shutting everyone out and is a danger to herself," Brooke said sadly.
"Oh please," Sam scoffed sarcastically. Brooke frowned at her.
"Well, you are. You said yourself that you've thought about it. You said if you were going to do it you'd slit your wrists. What am I supposed to think, Sammy?" Brooke asked getting upset.
"Think what you want," Sam answered blandly. Brooke folded her arms across her chest and turned to Jenn.
"See what I mean? That's what she does when you try to talk to her. Total shutdown, she could care less." Jenn nodded.
"Sam, are you a danger to yourself?" Jenn asked. Sam resisted the urge to slap the woman.
"Look, I just want to be left alone, OK? Let me sort through this on my own and stop hounding me about sharing my feelings. I'll be fine eventually," Sam said shortly. Brooke shook her head.
"No you won't Sam. We've played this game before and you won't be OK. You'll keep closing yourself off until no one can reach you ever again and I won't let it happen," she said firmly. Sam said nothing but just sat in silence. Brooke sighed and looked at Jenn.
"Sam, what is it you feel you need to sort through? Can you tell Brooke and I how you're feeling?" Jenn asked. Sam shifted uncomfortably in her chair.
"Oh, for crying out loud," she muttered impatiently. "Right now I'm feeling incredibly pissed off," she snapped.
"Sam, that's not what she means," Brooke snapped back. Sam glared at her.
"Fine, you wanna know how I feel? Trapped and scared. There, happy?" She crossed her arms across her chest and waited. Brooke frowned.
"Trapped and scared? Why?" Brooke asked.
"Trapped because you won't let me go!" Sam screamed suddenly startling both Brooke and Jenn with the outburst. "And scared because I don't want you to let go." Brooke stared at her in confusion.
"Sam, I don't understand," she said quietly. Sam shook her head.
"I tried to let you go because I only bring you pain, Brooke, but you held on. I don't want to hurt you and yet that's all that seems to happen," Sam started to explain.
"Sam, you didn't hurt me. Pierce and Becky did the damage this time," Brooke said patiently.
"This time, Brooke. But next time it might be me. This life we've chosen is overflowing with problems. Everything from bigotry to hatred and back and I don't want you to have to go through that. I want you to be happy," Sam said as a few tears streaked down her face.
"Stubborn ass," Brooke sighed without malice only resignation. "I love you, Sammy. You're what makes me happy and to Hell with everything else. I told you that once. Wasn't that enough?" Sam shrugged.
"But you're afraid she will let go. Why, Sam?" Jenn asked, reminding both girls she was there.
"Because I don't want to lose her," Sam answered honestly. "I love her too much."
"Than why do you keep pushing me away?" Brooke asked exasperatedly.
"Because I hurt," Sam croaked in a voice that was raw with emotion. "And I just want to be left alone."
"Oh, Sammy," Brooke sighed. "I can't leave you alone because I'm worried about you. I'm losing you within yourself and it scares me." Sam looked at her the expression on her face devoid of hope and full of fear. It shook the foundation of everything Brooke believed in to see that expression on Sam's face.
"Why do you want to be left alone, Sam?" Jenn asked softly. Sam sighed.
"Because I don't want to hurt anyone else," she answered barely above a whisper. "But that's all I do, hurt the people I care about. Brooke, Mom, everybody. And I can't stand myself anymore."
"Sam, you can't keep blaming yourself for other people's actions," Brooke told her soothingly. "You haven't hurt any of us, at least not directly. You keep shouldering all this responsibility that's beyond your control. You're killing yourself with it." Sam shrugged.
"Can't help it," she mumbled.
"Sam, you are not responsible for all the bad in the world," Brooke whispered as Sam looked at her pitifully. "Let it go."
"I can't," Sam complained. "I want to but I can't."
"You have to Sam before it destroys you," Brooke told her. "Let go of it and hold on to me. I love you. And even though there's nothing to forgive you for, if that's what you need to hear, Sammy, I forgive you." Sam's face lit up a bit and a small spark returned to her eyes.
"You do?" she asked. Brooke nodded.
"You did nothing wrong but I do forgive you," Brooke reassured her. Sam smiled at her for the first time in a long time.
"Thank you," she said softly. Jenn looked at the clock.
"As much as I hate to do this, our time is up for today. I think we've made some progress here. Sam, Brooke, do you think you can keep this dialogue going until we meet again?" Brooke nodded. She finally felt like she was getting through to Sam.
"We can try, right Sam?" Sam looked at her with a little hope in her eyes.
"Sure, I guess."
Brooke found Sam asleep on the couch a week later looking more at peace than she had in a long while. She was walking again more strongly with only the help of a cane and her sessions with Jenn were progressing well. She hadn't made any astounding breakthroughs but they were making small steps and little pieces of the old Sam were peaking through every now and then. At least she was speaking more and not pushing Brooke away as much.
Unable to resist the temptation, Brooke leaned over and pressed her lips to Sam's. To her surprise and utter relief, she felt Sam respond to the kiss. Sam reached up and pulled Brooke down onto the couch with her.
"Hey beautiful," Sam greeted her. Brooke looked at her in surprise and joy.
"Hey yourself. I didn't mean to wake you," she said. Sam arched an eyebrow.
"It's OK. Wake me like that anytime," she joked a little more of the old Sam McPherson spark returning to her eyes for which Brooke was thankful.
"Whatcha doing today, Sammy?" Brooke asked while she twirled a few strands of Sam's dark hair around her fingers.
"Nothing much, just moping," she answered. Brooke frowned at her.
"Moping is not a good hobby," she pointed out. Sam shrugged.
"No, but it passed the time until you got home from Glamazon practice," she said with a grin. "I missed you." Brooke looked at her strangely.
"Sam, not that I mind, but what's with the attitude change?" Sam sighed.
"I miss you," Sam repeated softly. "I'm tired of pushing you away. I miss you, Princess." Brooke nodded her understanding and smiled.
"I miss you too, Sammy. So much," she hugged Sam tightly.
"I don't want to die, Brooke. But I'm afraid to live," Sam whispered. Brooke shuttered at the admission. There was the breakthrough they'd been looking for.
"Why Sammy?"
"Because of the pain. Everytime I turn around there's something new and horrible coming at me like a speeding freight train," she said as tears streamed down her face. Brooke brushed away the falling moisture with her thumbs. "I can't take it anymore."
"You don't have to, Sammy. That's what I've been trying to tell you. You insist on shouldering everything alone and won't accept anyone's help. Let me help you, Sam. I love you and want to help. You're not alone," she said gently. Sam leaned her head against her.
"I know. I realize that now," she whispered softly. "And I want your help, Princess. Please?"
"You don't even has to ask, Sam. I am always here for you." Sam let out a long sigh of relief.
"Thank you," she murmured. Content with each other for the moment, both girls fell asleep on the couch where their parents found them a few hours later.
**
Sam sighed as she stared at the blinking cursor on her laptop. The damn thing was mocking her, she swore. She was supposed to write an article on the new school budget but she could barely manage to write a title at the moment. She had no interest whatsoever in writing right now. Brooke was out with Nicole and their parents were out at a business dinner while Mac was at a babysitters leaving Sam home alone. She hated it because it left her with too much time to think.
(I think my brain has finally turned to mush) she lamented. Getting up from her chair, she grabbed her cane and hobbled over to the bathroom. She stared at the familiar and yet unwelcome face that looked back at her.
"What are you looking at?" she asked her reflection. (Great, now I'm talking to myself. Well, might as well give myself a piece of my mind)
"You're a class A screw up, you know it? Buring your head in the sand like some sort of demented ostrich. Everyone has problems, Sam, but they deal with them. They don't run away from them like a dog with its tail between its legs like you did."
"You used to be tough, or at least confident. Now you're a scaredy cat. What the Hell happened? Did smacking your head on Nic's windshield kill that part of your personality?" She was starting to wonder if she had lost her mind because she was actually waiting for an answer.
"Let's look at the situation. You got hit by a car and almost killed but you survived. And you ended up with the girl of your dreams. So the road was rocky for a while, what matters is the end result. Brooke loves you and that hasn't changed. So some people have a problem with that. So what? That isn't your problem. A jealous nutcase attacked you and that hurt but hurting Brooke was the wrong thing to do. For that you should be ashamed."
"And I am," (Oh, good, I have gone around the bend, I'm answering myself) she sighed. "And now, thanks to a seriously scary bout with depression, I've lost a lot of time. And I have a lot to answer for." Slowly, a small idea began to form in Sam's mind and she smiled at her reflection.
"Small steps, Sammy," she grinned.
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