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Why Ryan Cabrera Sucks: A Photo Essay |
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As many people already know, Ryan Cabrera sucks. However, the exact reason for his suckage is highly debated. Some experts believe that his complete lack of musical talent contributes most to his high level of suck, where as others blame it on his poor taste in fashion, or his even poorer taste in girls. I argue that he sucks not because of his lack of talent or taste, but because of the size of his hair.
It is a little known fact that overly styled pop-star hair is positively correlated with the amount that an individual sucks. That is to say, the more a person�s hair is poofed, spiked, dyed, and done up; the more that person sucks. Please note example A: |
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A |
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Ryan�s hair is clearly inappropriate for life, in general. Notice the unnatural color and even more unnatural height. Anyone, including Ryan I�m sure, would agree that taking precious time out of your day to make your hair look like that is ridiculous and wasteful. |
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B |
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In example B, you�ll notice that the sides have not been flat ironed nearly as much as the front. This makes the overall style seem busy and unkempt, a look that, while attractive on some men, only proves to be a greater testament to Ryan�s suckage than his alleged cuteness.
Ryan�s badly dyed, over-spiked hair is distracting and ugly. Unfortunately for him, even a small amount of musical talent would be unsuccessful in saving him from sucking because no person could ever be taken seriously with hair like that. However, while I do believe that his hair is what makes him suck most, it would be an injustice to the Ryan-hating community to disregard the other contributing factors. Please note example C: |
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C |
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This photo encompasses many factors of suck. Notice the bad hair and bad fashion. A boy who wears more jewelry at one given time than all of your female, college roommates combined did during one year of school is clearly trying to distract viewers away from his hideous hair. Also present in this photo is Ashlee Simpson, a classic example of suck on the female end of the pop spectrum. Here, Ashlee is trying to bring attention away from her out-dated, poofed up-do by using too much green eye shadow and wearing an unfinished dress.
In example D, our subjects were kind enough to give a side view of their fashion faux pas, an angle that only says, �what were they thinking?� |
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D |
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While these other factors do in fact increase Ryan�s level of suck, we cannot forget that the hair is by far the worst feature. While many others have tried the poofy, sunflower-shaped style in the past, few have found success. Perhaps most notable is the disastrous king of bad hair, Clay Aiken, pictured in example E. |
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E |
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Clay was pioneer for the bad, pop-star boy hair cut. In an effort to promote the look to others, he sat down for a documentary, Fame via the Flat Iron: One Boy�s Story. Unfortunately, this film never aired due to an accident during styling. Clay�s hair was pulled up so high by his man-beast stylist that it distorted the right side of his face, leaving his features on that side pulled up towards his forehead. A rare photo of his condition after the accident is pictured in example F. Since then, Clay has received corrective surgery and is back to his normal, dorky self. |
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F |
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It is evident that over styled hair is always a bad idea and, sometimes, even dangerous. It is my belief that Ryan Cabrera sucks because of his hair, and it would be in his best interest to look into something new. Further research is needed to determine what kind of style would be appropriate for Ryan. While Ryan will never not suck, a new style could at least alleviate a miniscule amount of his suckage and would make his presence on the music scene far more pleasant for the public. |
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