| Chapter 40 Dr. McKenna sat in his office watching the tapes of Nick from earlier in the day. He jotted notes down as Nick drew each picture. Noting the look on his face, his body language. Everything told him that Nick was reliving memories as he drew. He could see the young man's face change from intense concentration on the drawing to almost a blank expression. Then after a moment he would blink his eyes a few times and continue on. What stuck in his mind though was when Nick finished the last drawing. He lined the four pictures up on the tray table and stared at them, anger and hatred in his eyes. Then he pushed the table back and broke down in tears, crying himself to sleep. Dr. McKenna wrote a few more notes down, then turned off the VCR. He was in the midst of re-reading his notes when someone knocked on his door. "Come in," he said, looking up to see Diane walk in with a tall dark haired young man, and another young man in a wheel chair. "Doc, this is Kevin Richardson and Brian Littrell," Diane said, introducing them. He stood walking over to them, "Dr. McKenna, good to meet you." "You too doc," Kevin said, "How's Nick doing?" The doctor smiled, "As good as can be expected. He has a lot to work through." "Can we see him?" Brian asked. "I'm afraid not. He's still exhibiting some risky behavior, and until he gets past that, I can't allow visitors," the doctor explained. "Oh," Brian said, disappointed. Kevin put his hand on Brian's shoulder, trying to give him some support. "Brian, if you aren't to tired from your trip, maybe we can talk a little?" the doctor asked. "Sure," Brian said. "We'll be outside," Kevin said, as he and Diane left the office. "Would you like anything to drink?" Dr. McKenna asked. "No thanks," Brian said, rolling his chair closer to the desk. "Alright, the reason I've called you here is that some of Nick's behavior is, well it's...." "Unusual?" Brian asked. The doctor nodded, "Yes, and since you went though this with him before, I was hoping that you could shed some light on a few things for me." "I'll try," Brian said. "Well first, I'd like you to explain what Nick was like when this was actually happening to him," Dr. McKenna said. Brian shifted in his chair for a moment, thinking back. "At first he was just kinda moody. He'd be happy and then in a nanosecond he'd be upset. Then it just got to where he didn't show any kind of emotion at all. We'd have fan conferences and things to do with the public, and during those he'd plaster on that grin of his and get through them, but we all knew it was fake," he said. "Did any of you try to find out what was wrong?" the doctor asked. Brian nodded, "We all did, but Nick would just say he was homesick or it was nothing and then get mad at us for treating him like a child." "I see, so what else did he do?" Dr. McKenna asked. Brian leaned on the desk resting his head on his hand, "He had a lot of nightmares. He'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night, terrified. I spent a lot of nights holding him while he cried himself back to sleep. And the day time wasn't much better. He'd just sit and stare out the windows. It didn't matter where we were, he'd find a quiet place and just sit. It got to where he never left our room unless we had to be somewhere. He stopped calling home, and really stopped talking to everyone. In the end, I was the only person that he even remotely tried to communicate with." "Why do you think that was?" the doctor asked. Brian shrugged his shoulders, "I guess because we were so close. I knew he was hiding something, but I never could get him to come out and say what it was. He didn't want the other guys seeing him upset, but he couldn't hide it from me. I saw how scared he was in the middle of the night, and how truly lost he seemed. Hell I felt it myself." "You felt if yourself? How?" he asked. Brian sat back and thought a minute. "I can't explain it. But from the first minute we met, there was some kind of bond there. We instantly trusted each other, and found a .... I guess you'd say a soul mate. We could always understand the other better than anyone. And when he was hurting, so was I. It wasn't the kind of hurt that you feel for someone you're close to, I was actually feeling his pain. I felt hopeless and lost, just as much as he did. The only difference was I didn't know why I felt that way, and he did." Dr. McKenna stared at him for a moment. Brian laughed nervously, "I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true." The doctor smiled, "I can see that. The same way I see it in Diane when she talks about him." Brian smiled, "Nick's lucky to have her. We always said it was to bad we weren't the opposite sex, cause we woulda made an amazing couple, but now he has that with her. It's great," he laughed. Dr. McKenna chuckled for a moment, then looked back down at his notes. "Brian, how are you feeling now, when it comes to Nick?" he asked. Brian sighed, "I feel lost and trapped. Like I need to get away from something, but I don't have anywhere to go. Like whatever it is that's after me will always be there. I'm scared, but not just of this thing I'm running from, but like ...... I don't know, like of someone finding out about it. That's the part that doesn't make sense to me, doc. If Nick's memories are back, then why would he feel that way? He knows we all know about it. Why would he try to hide that? And him not talking to me just makes me wonder more, ya know?" "He's refused to talk with you?" Dr. McKenna asked. Brian nodded, "For weeks now. I just don't get it." Brian saw the look on the doctors face. "What?" he asked. "Before I called you, I asked Nick if he would feel comfortable talking with you. He looked worried that you were here and then said he didn't want to see you. I asked him why, because of everything he's said about you, it seemed you two were really close, and he said that you couldn't help him now," Dr. McKenna said. Brian sighed and looked down at his hands, "But I know I can. I know him better than anyone." "Maybe that's it," the doctor said. Brian looked up, "What?" "Maybe Nick doesn't want to see you because he's afraid of that very thing. That you would know that maybe the reason's he's been giving me for his behavior aren't exactly true," he said. "God that has to be it," Brian said, "You gotta let me see him." "Brian I can't. He said he didn't want to see you and if I let you in, that breaks the trust of the doctor patient relationship," Dr. McKenna said. "Even when it could help him?" Brian asked. He nodded, "Yes. All I can do is let him know that you're here, and then it's up to Nick if he want's to see you or not." Brian ran his hand through his hair and sighed, "Alright, if that's all we can do." The doctor nodded, "Right now it is," he said, standing up, "I'm going to go check on him." "OK, I'll go back to the waiting room with Di," Brian said, wheeling himself to the door. "Thanks for talking with me Brian," Dr. McKenna said. "No problem, I hope it helps," Brian said, as he wheeled into the hall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nick woke up when he heard the door to his room open. He looked over to see Dr. McKenna come in. "Evening Nick," he said. Nick pressed the button and raised the bed. "I see you've been busy," the doctor said, looking at the drawings still spread across the table. Nick watched him as he looked them over. "Can you tell me about them?" he asked. Nick looked nervous and a bit self conscious. "It's alright Nick, no one else will see them," Dr. McKenna assured him. Nick stared at him for a moment then pulled his computer over. "OK, let's start with this one," he said, holding up one of the pictures. Nick stared at it. It was a very detailed drawing of him, curled in a ball trying to protect himself from two larger men. One of the men was drawn with great detail, his hands on Nick's back, while the other man was almost just an outline. There was no detail at all, and the lines were smudged, making him appear ghostly. Dr. McKenna noted the look on Nick's face as he stared at the drawing. "Can you tell me what this means?" he asked. Nick fidgeted for a moment then started typing: I'm trapped, and I can't get away from them. "I see, and this is Tim?" he asked, pointing to the detailed man. Nick nodded. "And who is this?" the doctor asked, pointing to the outline. Nick looked down, refusing to answer. "Nick, if this is Tim then who is the second person?" he asked again. Nick shrugged his shoulders. "You don't know?" he asked. "No," Nick said, still looking down. Dr. McKenna watched him. It seemed as if Nick was scared to even look at the outlined figure in his drawing, and was even more frightened to talk about it. "It's alright Nick, you don't have to talk about him if you don't want to," he said, pulling the other pictures over and looking at them. The mysterious figure was in each picture alongside Tim. "Nick, do you mind if I take these with me?" he asked. Nick shook his head. The doctor gathered the drawings and placed them in Nick's chart. "Nick, Brian arrived a short time ago and asked to see you," he said. Nick's eyes went wide and he shook his head. "You still don't want to see him?" Dr. McKenna asked. "No," Nick said. "Can you give me a valid reason why not?" the doctor asked. Nick glanced up at him and shook his head. Dr. McKenna stood next to the bed and looked down at Nick, "Are you afraid that he'll know what the real problem is?" Nick winced like someone had hit him and stared at the doctor with fear in his eyes. "Nick, you know you have to tell me everything that's going on, otherwise I can't help you," the doctor reminded him. I know that. "But you aren't doing it are you?" he asked. Nick looked down, I can't. "Nick, you know you can tell me anything and it never leaves this room," he said. Nick shook his head, Please, I don't want to talk about this. "Nick, what else is going on?" Dr. McKenna asked, "I can help you if you just tell me." Nick shook his head, tears sliding down his face, Please let me see Diane. "Nick you know I can't do that right now," he said. Please! I'll let you restrain me, I just have to see her, Please! "Nick, I can't...." "Pleee se," Nick begged. Dr. McKenna could see the utter desperation in Nick's face, and sighed, "Alright, but only her and only for a few minutes, understand?" Nick nodded. "OK, I'll go get her and send the orderlies in to put the restraints on," he said, leaving the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Diane took Brian and Kevin to the small waiting room. Bob greeted them, then introduced them to John. "Hi," Brian said, shaking his hand. "Hello Brian, nice to meet you," John said, noticing the way Brian was staring at him. "Oh sorry, it's just that you look kinda familiar," Brian apologized, "Have we met before?" John shook his head, "I don't think so." "Oh, guess it's one of those familiar face things then," Brian said. "Yeah, I do get that a lot," John said with a laugh. "So how was your trip?" Bob asked. "Uneventful," Kevin answered. "Well for us, that's a good thing," Diane said, getting a smile from them both. They all settled in, looking at magazines and watching TV for a while. Dr. McKenna came in, "Diane, can you come with me?" She got up, a worried look on her face, "What is it?" "I'm going to let you see Nick, but only for a minute. He's been asking to see you since he woke up, and he's pretty insistent on it," he explained. "Alright," she said, following him out of the room and down the hall. "He will have restraints on, so don't let that alarm you. He agreed to have them while you were in there," he said. "Um OK. Can I touch him?" she asked. He smiled, "If he allows you to, yes. But please don't argue when I say it's time to leave." Diane nodded, "OK, I'll try not to." They reached Nick's door as the orderlies came out. Dr. McKenna opened the door and walked in with Diane. As soon as Nick saw her he broke down in tears. Diane walked over to the bed and carefully reached for his hand. Nick took it, holding it as tight as he could. "Shh, don't cry honey. Everything's gonna be OK," she soothed. Nick nodded. Diane reached up and brushed the tears from his cheeks, "I've missed you so much." Nick pointed to his computer, and she placed it where he could type. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. "It's alright Nick, you're here that's all that matters now, OK?" she said. I love you so much, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do this. "It's alright baby," she said, "We're all here for you, OK?" Nick looked at her questionably. "Me, Bob, Kevin, Brian and John. We're all here for you. We all love you and we want you to get better OK?" she said. Nick nodded, trying to keep himself as calm as possible. You're not staying by yourself are you? "No, I'm staying at your parents until you come home," she answered, "Why?" Want to make sure you're safe. Diane looked at him, "Baby why wouldn't I be safe?" Nick looked down at his hands, staring at his wrist. "I think it's time to go," Dr. McKenna said. Nick looked up, "No." "Nick, you agreed that it would only be for a few minutes," he reminded him. Nick bit his lip and nodded, as more tears surfaced. Diane leaned down and hugged him tight, "I love you so much. And I want you to get well so we can go home, OK?" Nick nodded as she pulled away, just enough to see him. She smiled, leaning in and gently kissing him before she stepped back, "I love you." Nick watched her leave, wanting nothing more that to walk out the door with her, but relieved to know she was OK. When they got out into the hall Diane sighed. "I know it's hard to see someone you love like that," the doctor said. "It's not that," she said, "Well it is ... but there's something else." "What?" he asked. "I don't know, I just got the feeling that something's not exactly right," she said. That seems to be going around, Dr. McKenna thought as they walked down the hall. Chapter 41 |