| Chapter 5 Brian sat on the plane, looking at the other jet out the window. Lyn's planes were flying in tandem with each other. Everyone was on one, while only Tara's body rode in the other. Brian looked down at his hands, the wedding rings still there side by side. He played with Tara's for a little while, not noticing Nick sit down next to him. Nick tapped him on the shoulder, "You wanna talk?" he signed. "Why aren't you wearing your aid?" Brian asked him. "It's to loud in here," Nick signed back. "Oh," Brian signed. Nick watched as Brian's eyes filled with tears. "Bri, you know I'm here for you anytime you feel like talking," Nick signed. Brian nodded his head and looked up at Nick, tears streaming down his face. Nick reached out and pulled Brian into a hug and held him as he cried. This was the first time Brian had really cried, and he held nothing back. Everyone watched as Brian cried. Most of them were brought to tears also. A.J. wiped his tears and turned on the TV, just to get his mind away from all the emotion. Howie and Kira were sitting with each other, talking quietly. Lyn sat down next to A.J., wanting to put her mind on something other than missing her friend. Kevin and Kristin were sitting with each other, trying to work out where everyone was going to stay when they got home. They didn't want to leave Brian alone, and Jackie and Harold couldn't be there until the morning. Kevin got up and walked over to Nick. He was still holding Brian, who had managed to cry himself to sleep. "Is he asleep?" Kevin asked. Nick read his lips and nodded. "Could you and..." Kevin started. Nick managed to pull one hand away from Brian and signed the word sign to Kevin. "Sorry," Kevin signed, "I forget sometimes." Nick laughed. "Could you and Lyn stay with Brian?" Kevin asked. "Sure. When are Harold and Jackie coming?" Nick asked. "Not till morning," Kevin answered. "OK," Nick signed. Kevin looked over at his cousin, knowing it was going to take a long time for him to get over this, if he ever did. "Do you want to move him to the bed?" Kevin asked. "No, it won't be long till we land, and I'm OK like this," Nick said. Kevin smiled and nodded, heading back to his seat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The planes landed, and airport personnel were there to help everyone with their bags. Representatives from the funeral home were also there to take the body. Lyn walked over and met with them, arranging a time in the morning they could meet and plan the funeral. Nick grabbed Tara's bag, not wanting Brian to have to worry with it, and followed everyone to the waiting cars. He got in with Brian, and put his hearing aid back in. "Bri, Lyn and I would like to stay with you if that's OK?" Nick asked. "Yeah, whatever," Brian said, looking out the window. Lyn got in and they headed down the road to Brian's house. When they reached the house, Brian unlocked the door and walked in. He headed straight upstairs, to his bedroom. Lyn and Nick looked at each other. "Do you think we should go up there and keep an eye on him?" Lyn asked. "I don't know. He seems so lost, and he won't talk about it," Nick said. Lyn reached out and grabbed Nick's bag from him, leaving him holding Tara's. "Why don't you take that up, and see if he'll talk. I'll put ours up, and fix something to eat," she said. Nick smiled at her, then headed upstairs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian sat down on his bed and looked around the room. There were so many things there that reminded him of Tara. Their wedding pictures were on the wall, and all her things were laying around. He got up and walked over to her vanity. Some of her perfume was still there, and a few barrettes were laying out. He sighed and walked over to the night stand and picked up one of their pictures. It was one of them on a beach, he couldn't remember where. They looked so happy. He sat the picture back down, and walked over to where he'd dropped his bag. He bent down and started unpacking. He had put several things away when he reached in and pulled out his bible. He stared at it for a while, feeling the anger come back. Why couldn't He just answer my prayers? Brian thought. He glared at the book in his hands, and with every passing second he became angrier. He couldn't take it anymore, so he threw the book across the room as hard as he could. Nick walked into Brian's room, just as the book slammed against the wall and fell to the floor. "Bri?" Nick said. Brian looked over at him, "What?!" he said in an angry voice. "Um, I was wondering what you wanted me to do with this?" Nick asked, holding up Tara's bag. Brian walked over and took it from him, laying it on the bed and opening it up. Nick watched as Brian started unpacking everything, putting it all back in its proper places. "Brian, you don't have to do that now," Nick said. "Yeah I do. We always unpack right after we get home, so we don't have to do it later," Brian said, not looking up. Nick stared at his friend, his heart breaking for him. Brian looked up at him, "What are you staring at?" "Brian, you said we," Nick stated. Brian looked down at Tara's bag, and the things he was holding in his hands. He placed them back in the bag and sat it on the floor. "What am I gonna do Nick? This wasn't suppose to happen," Brian whispered. Nick walked over to his friend and looked at him, "I don't know Bri. Somehow we're gonna have to get through this, maybe if we prayed about ....." Brian glared at him, "Don't you even say it!" Nick looked at him confused, "Brian, you've always prayed about things. That's how we've all gotten through all the crap that's happened to us." "Just shut up," Brian said, sitting down on the bed. Nick walked over and sat down next to him, "Brian, tell me what's going on." Brian sat there for a long time, not wanting to say the words. "Bri, please," Nick said. "She can't come back," he finally whispered. Nick's heart sank at hearing those words, "Are you sure?" "Tracy told me herself," Brian said. "Why?" Nick asked. "We didn't tell anyone, cause it really didn't matter, but Tara had been losing her powers. She actually hadn't had any for the last few weeks,.... until Lee got in trouble," Brian said, "Tracy said that she gave her life to Leighanne, and that she was in heaven." Nick put his hand on Brian's shoulder, not knowing what to say. Brian looked up at him, hurt and anger in his eyes, "He didn't even hear my prayers Nick! I begged Him to let her live, and He didn't even hear me!" "Brian, I'm sure there's a reason.." Nick started. "Oh don't give me that �there's a reason for everything' bullshit. God is up there taking great pleasure in my pain, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it! Well He'll never hear from me again, that's for sure," Brian said. Nick looked at him in shock, "Brian, you don't mean that." "Why is everyone saying that to me? Of course I mean it or I wouldn't have said it. I'm through Nick, I just can't do it anymore. I can't waist my time believing in a God that doesn't care for me. I mean it's like He's been playing with me for the last two years. Well guess what, I'm not your God damned toy anymore!" Brian yelled. Nick was in complete disbelief. Brian was always the one that held on to his faith and his beliefs when no one else would, and to hear the words he was saying, it just couldn't be. "Brian, maybe after a while, when things calm down....." Nick started. Brain shook his head, "No Nick, not ever. I'm done. You can believe anything you want, that's fine with me, but don't talk to me about it anymore." Nick started to say something when Lyn came in. "Guys, if you're hungry I've got some dinner ready," she said. Brian got up and walked out of the room. Lyn looked at Nick, seeing the dumbfounded look on his face. "I'll tell you later," he said, as he took her hand and they went down to the kitchen. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The next morning Lyn met Jackie and Harold at the airport and went straight to the funeral home. Brian couldn't bring himself to go, so Lyn told him she'd go with his parents. On the way to the funeral home, Lyn filled them in on how Brian was doing, and his conversation with Nick the night before, hoping that they could get through to Brian. After spending a few hours at the funeral home discussing the plans and security, Lyn and Brian's parents made it back to the house. Nick was sitting in the living room, watching TV when they came in. "Hey Nicky," Jackie said. Nick got up and gave her a hug, she was the only person he still let call him Nicky. "Jackie, how are you?" Nick said. "Under the circumstances, OK. How are you?" she asked. "Hanging in there," Nick replied. "Where's Bri at?" Harold asked. "He's upstairs asleep," Nick said. "Oh, well we won't wake him up then," Jackie said. "Well, I'll call Kevin and fill him in on the plans," Harold said, heading to the phone. "I'm gonna go fix some lunch," Lyn said, walking in the direction of the kitchen. "I'll help you," Jackie said. "No, I'm sure your tired from the plane trip. You sit down, talk to your other son there for a while," Lyn said. Jackie laughed and looked at Nick, "OK, but if you need any help, just yell." Lyn smiled and went to the kitchen. Jackie sat down and looked at Nick. He smiled at her, "What?" "So when are you gonna marry her?" Jackie asked. Nick blushed and laughed, "I don't know." "Well don't wait to long, or she may find someone else," Jackie teased. "That would never happen. No one else would put up with her," Nick said. "Or with you for that matter," Jackie said. "Hey!" Nick said, acting offended. They laughed for a minute, then Jackie got serious. "Is what Lyn says about Brian true?" she asked. "About him not believing anymore?" Nick asked. Jackie nodded her head. "Yeah. He's so angry Jackie, and it seems that whatever I try to say to him to make it better just seems to make it worse," Nick said. Jackie patted Nick's hand, "Don't take it to heart. I don't think any of us could say anything to make him feel better right now. We're just gonna have to be here for him when he does finally want to work through things." "That's what I'm afraid of though. The way he's going, I don't think he wants to work through them," Nick said. Harold walked over and sat down, "Kevin is going to call everyone else." "Good," Jackie said. Lyn walked back in, "Things are ready if you wanna go get Brian." Harold reached out and took Jackie's hand, "Let's go." They walked upstairs and into Brian's room. Jackie wiped a tear away, looking at her son laying there asleep. He was hugging Tara's pillow, a wedding picture laying on the bed next to him. Harold reached down and picked it up, placing it on the night stand. Jackie sat down on the edge of the bed, and placed her hand on Brian's shoulder, "Brian honey, wake up." Brian jumped a little, and blinked his eyes, raising his head up and looking at his mom. "Mom? When did you get here?" he asked. "A little while ago, we wanted to let you sleep," she said. Brian sat up and rubbed his eyes, "What time is it?" "It's lunch time," Harold said. Brian looked up at him, "I'm not hungry." "Brian, you have to eat something," Jackie said. "Maybe later. I just don't feel like it right now," Brian said. Jackie looked up at her husband, worry in her eyes. "Brian, just come down and sit with us. You don't have to eat," Harold said. Brian sighed heavily and crawled out of bed. He ran his fingers through his hair and straightened the sweats he was wearing. "Ok, let's go. You can tell me about your trip," Brian said, leading the way down the hall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The rest of the night was pretty quiet. Jackie and Harold reluctantly filled Brian in on the funeral arrangements. He seemed matter of fact about them. They weren't going to have a visitation, just the funeral. It was set for the next day. Only family and friends would be there. Lyn had worked with the hospital and the Boys management to keep the event a secret until it was over with. Management would release a statement a few days after the funeral, with strict pleas to the fans to let Brian have his privacy while he was dealing with his loss. Brian didn't engage in much conversation. He looked to Nick like he was somewhere else. Brian got up and went upstairs without a word. The others looked at each other, then Jackie got up and followed him. She found him in his bedroom, looking through his closet. "Honey, what are you looking for?" she asked. "My black suit. You know the one with the silk shirt?" Brian said, "Tara always liked that one." Jackie helped him look until he found it, making sure it didn't need pressing, before they both sat down on the bed. Jackie watched as Brian sat there, struggling with what he wanted to say. "Mom, is this pain ever going to leave?" he finally asked. Jackie pulled him close to her, "I'm sure not for a long time." "Why did God do this to me?" Brian asked. She looked him in the eyes, "Brian, God didn't do this to you. This was an awful thing that happened, but honey, God didn't deliberately do this to you." Brian looked away from her. "Brian, I know that you're angry right now. But don't blame God for this," Jackie said. Brian sat there, not looking at her for a few moments. Finally Jackie pulled his face up so he was looking into her eyes, "Brian, God loves you, and He will be there for you whenever you call on Him." "I wish I believed that," Brian whispered. He pulled away from her and crawled up the bed and laid down, "I'm tired," he said. Jackie stared at him for a moment, then got up and went to the door, she turned the light off and stood there for a few minutes, then turned and went back downstairs. Chapter 6 |