| Chapter 15 All the way back to the hotel, Nick watched Brian and Tara. They didn't talk, and hardly looked at each other. Nick could feel the emotion coming from Brian. It was a mixture of hurt, shock, and anger. What was coming from Tara wasn't much better; shame, embarrassment, and a lot of heartache. Nick started to wonder if he'd inadvertently done something to cause this between them. They finally got back to the hotel, and up to their rooms. Everyone followed Brian and Tara into their room. "Guys, we need to talk to Nick for a while," Brian said. Kevin, A.J. and Howie exchanged glances. "Something wrong?" Kevin asked. "It's just something we need to discuss," Tara said, "You guys can stay, we'll go in the bedroom and talk." The three watched as Tara, Brian and Nick went into the bedroom and shut the door. They could still see them through the french door, but they couldn't hear what was being said. "You guys get a bad vibe between Bri and Tara?" Kevin asked, as he sat down. "Yeah, something is definitely not right," Howie said. "You don't think that Tara and Nick are um...." A.J. started. Kevin pointed his finger at him, "Don't even finish that sentence." A.J. sunk into the chair, "Sorry, just thinking ya know." "We know, and don't go there," Howie said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nick walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, "What's going on?" Tara sat in the chair next to the bed, and Brian stood, looking out the window, his back to them both. "Nick, I need to tell you some things, well both of you actually," she said. Brian turned around and looked at her, "You mean there's more?" Tara nodded her head, looking down at the floor. Nick looked from one to the other, "Guys, you're starting to scare me. What the hell is wrong?" Brian walked over and sat on the bed next to Nick, "Go ahead." Tara closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then she looked up, "I know Jered." Nick looked confused, "You do?" She nodded, "I didn't realize it was him until I saw him. When we knew each other he had a different name." "So how did you know him?" Nick asked. "We um.. were partners, and um... lovers," she answered. Nick's jaw dropped open, "What!?" Brian just sat there, looking at the bedspread. Nick could feel the heartache coming from him. Tara wiped away a tear that had fallen down her cheek, "When I fell, we were paired together. He had just fallen too, and they wanted to see how we would work together." "Work together? What did you do?" Nick asked, completely stunned. Tara pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, "We tormented those going through their trial." Nick sat there staring at her, he had no words for how shocked he was. They sat there for a long time in silence. Tara could feel them both staring at her. She put her head on her knees, completely ashamed of what she'd done so long ago. "How many?" Nick finally asked. She closed her eyes, not wanting to answer. "How many did you turn?" Nick asked again. "I stopped counting after thirty," she said, still not looking at him. Nick felt like his heart was in his stomach, "Thirty? My God," he whispered. "How did you come back from that?" Brian asked. "Tracy found us the night before we were to be �confirmed'," Tara said. "Confirmed? What does that mean?" Nick asked. "When you fall, you work for them for a time. It's like a probation period at a job, after a while, when they know you'll work out, they confirm you. You take a new name that suits your abilities, and you're there's forever," she answered. "So that's why you didn't know his name?" Nick asked. Tara nodded her head. "But you said that Tracy found �us'. Who was the us?" Brian asked. "Jered and I. We were in the middle of ... um...and she surprised us. There were others with her and they grabbed me and fought Jered off," she answered. Nick looked at her confused, "How could she surprise you? I know you can feel them from a distance." Tara sighed and put her feet back down to the floor, facing Nick. "Nick, sex between those like us is forbidden, and for good reason. It makes you vulnerable to attack. You know what we feel when we touch each other, we don't have to hold our emotions back. When those emotions are allowed to reign you lose your sense of anything else but the person you're with. It's not like when you and Lyn, or me and Brian do it. It's completely different. The emotions consume you and you're not aware of anything else," she explained. Nick glanced at Brian, the most unreadable expression on his face he'd ever seen. "Nick, I'm telling you this because now that Jered knows I'm your teacher, he's gonna use it against you," Tara said, trying her best to ignore the look on Brian's face. "How do you know he will?" Nick asked. She closed her eyes for a moment, "Because I taught him how. I taught him how to take things from the past and use them to get what you want." Nick took a deep breath, "OK, so how do I fight it?" "Don't let it get to you, whatever he says. And trust me, I've done enough that you will be shocked and angered by it. I'm telling you now that anything he says about me is probably gonna be true. Just take it and let it roll off, don't react to it, cause that's what he wants you to do. He wants you to get angry, because when you're angry you can't focus," she said. Nick nodded his head and looked at her for a moment. "Tara, don't take this wrong, but how could you do it?" he asked. She looked at him, "Nick, when you fall you cease to be the person you are now. You are ruled by your desires, and what you want you take, no matter who it hurts. You are given a job, and if you succeed in it, you get certain um rewards. You have no conscience, and any morals go straight out the window. The only thing that matters to you is self gratification. After a while you start to take pleasure in the pain of those you are trying to turn, and you feed on their fear of you. You become a god to yourself and you feel like no one can touch you. That's how..." "How did you come back?" Nick asked. Tara smiled for the first time since they'd entered the room, "Tracy didn't give up on me. She and several others, including Jade and Gideon held me in some deserted warehouse for months. I was tied down, and constantly watched. I fought them with everything I had, I didn't want to come back at first. I had grown accustomed to what I was doing, and how it made me feel, and I didn't want to give it up." "So why did you?" he asked. "Well, the entire time I was being ministered to by them. They took turns, so not a second went by that I wasn't hearing how much God still loved me and wanted me to come home. At first I screamed at them to shut up, then I just ignored it, but at some point I started listening. I realized that I was the one that had walked away from God, He never left me. Then I started to understand how much what I did hurt Him, but the entire time He still loved me. When I was with Jered and the others, I'd seen how they all backstabbed and claimed to love this or that just to get what they wanted. I'd done it myself. But laying there, hearing them tell me that God loved me, even after I'd done all those horrible things, and all I had to do was ask and He would forgive me and let me come home, I realized that was what I wanted. I wanted to feel God's love again, and come home. So I let go of all my pride and anger, and asked," she said. "What about the ones you helped turn?" Nick asked. He could feel her heart break at the question. "I tried to go back and talk to them. We even took a few and held them for a while, but none of them would come back," she said. "Tara, I'm sorry," Nick said, placing his hand on her knee. She shrugged, "That is something that I will always have to live with. Knowing that I helped do that to them. That's why I never talked about this, why I never told you," she said, looking at Brian. "This is something that I will be ashamed of for all of eternity. Even though I've been forgiven for it, and I've moved on, it still haunts me, and always will," she said. Nick watched as Brian stared at her, tears coming to his eyes. He finally stood up and walked over to her, bending down and taking her into his arms, "I'm sorry I was angry. I understand why you didn't tell me now." Nick felt how relieved Tara was at hearing Brian say that. Tara and Brian held each other for several minutes, releasing the tears they had been hiding all day. Nick started to feel like a fifth wheel and got up to leave. "Don't leave," Brian said, turning to face him. "Um, you guys look like you want to be alone," Nick said, edging towards the door. "Stay, I want you to help with something," Brian said. "What?" Nick asked, shooting Tara a look. She shrugged her shoulders. Brian looked down at Tara, "I want to feel what it's like when you don't hold back." Tara looked at him, "No Brian, I can't." "Please, I need to know what it feels like," he said. "Brian it would hurt you, I won't do it," she said, standing up. Brian reached out and took her hands in his, "I need to know what he felt. Please just once and I'll never ask again." "Brian, no," Tara said, shaking her head. He stared at her, his eyes pleading with her, "I need to know," he whispered. "Tara, if you do it and I take it from him, it wouldn't hurt him would it?" Nick asked. She thought for a minute, "It would pass through him to you, but even for that second it would be to much for him to take." "You don't know that until you try it," Brian said. Tara stood there feeling the pressure of his stare, "Stop that." "Not until you show me," Brian said. "I'd never be able to live with myself if I hurt you," she said. "You won't," he whispered. She bit her lower lip and looked at him, "Alright, but only for a second, and just once." Brian smiled at her, "Thank you." "Nick, come here," Tara said. Nick walked over, standing next to Brian. "Take his hand," Tara said. Nick and Brian looked at each other for a second before holding hands, Tara laughed at them. She took Brian's other hand, looking at him, "You're sure about this?" He nodded his head. She looked at Nick to make sure he was ready, he nodded. Tara stared into Brian's eyes and released all the emotion she was holding back. Brian gasped, his muscles tensing for a second. Then his eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed. Nick caught him and laid him on the bed. "I knew this was a bad idea," Tara said, sitting next to him. She gently touched his cheek, "Brian, honey...wake up." Nick crawled up the bed on the other side of him, sitting cross legged, "Want me to try?" Tara motioned for him to. Nick leaned down and put his hand on Brian's head, then whispered in his ear. Brian's eyes shot open and he looked from Nick to Tara. "Hey, you OK?" she asked. Brian smiled, "Uh huh, that was incredible." Nick laughed at the look on Brian's face. Brian looked at him, "Thanks for helping." Nick laughed even harder, "Anything to make you um... happy." Tara slapped Nick across the side of the head with one of the pillows, "You perv!" "What?" Nick asked, laughing hysterically. Just then a knock came at the door, and all three looked over. Kevin stuck his head in, "Is everything alright?" "Yeah man, we're good," Nick said. He looked at Tara and Brian, they both nodded. "Good, we were starting to get concerned out there," Kevin said smiling. "Hey you know us, we're never at odds for long," Nick said. "That's good, cause we got about thirty minutes before we gotta leave," Kevin said. "We've been in here that long?" Brian asked. His cousin nodded his head, "Nothing like a three hour talk to pass the time huh?" "I guess," Brian said, sitting up. "Let's get our stuff together and get out to the bus then," Kevin said. "Alright," all three said, looking at each other and snickering. Chapter 16 |