| Chapter 1 Nick stood on stage listening to Henry, their tour manager, make some suggestions for the show the next night. He glanced over at Brian and moved his mouth along to match what Henry was saying. Brian stifled a smile, trying to look interested. "And Nick, if you don't stop doing that and listen you're not gonna know what to do," Henry said, irritated. Kevin shot Nick a warning glance and he looked down at the floor, "Sorry." "OK, now where was I?" Henry asked. "The lighting," Mark, Henry's assistant said. "Oh yes, the lighting," Henry went on, "We're changing it at the very end of the show. We got in some new lights that are supposed to be great when you mix them, so we're gonna start using them at tomorrow night's show." "Just as long as you don't blind us with them," Howie said. Henry laughed, "We would never do such a thing." Nick leaned on his mic stand, half listening. He wanted to leave. He was tired, and by all rights they should've had today off, but ohhh nooo, Henry had to call an impromptu rehearsal. "OK guys, the hotel has dinner waiting, so let's go," Henry said, turning and walking backstage. Nick followed everyone as they got into the van and headed for the hotel. As they drove, he looked out the window. He really didn't want to be here. Kevin had been on his case for the last week. He couldn't even remember why, and A.J. had been teasing him mercilessly, but that reason escaped him. It seemed that nothing he did was good enough for anyone, and all he wanted to do was get away from all the madness. They'd only been on tour for a month, and already he was sick of it. The fans screamed as they pulled into the hotel, and Nick plastered that grin on his face and jumped out to meet them. He signed autographs for a few minutes before their security ushered them inside. "You alright?" Lane, Nick's bodyguard, asked. "Yeah, just tired," Nick answered, heading to the private dining room the hotel had set up for them. Lane arched his eyebrows at Nick, letting him know he wasn't buying the excuse, but didn't push it. The guys got their food and sat down at the same table. Nick went about rearranging his food on the tray and A.J. laughed at him, "What the hell are you doing?" "Putting it the way I like it," Nick said, not looking up. "God Nick, you are such a dork," A.J. said, laughing. "I am not," Nick protested, still not looking up. "Guys, stop it," Kevin said, "I'd like to eat in peace for once." A.J. and Nick glanced at each other before they started to eat. It was silent for a few minutes. Kevin thought he was going to get his wish, that was until Nick picked up his glass and took a drink. A.J. started laughing, shaking his head. "What is so funny?" Nick asked. "You," A.J. said, "I swear it's like you're from another planet or something. No one holds a glass like that to drink." "I do," Nick said, trying to ignore him. "Yeah, you do you freak," A.J. laughed. That was it. Nick stood up and slammed his chair up to the table and walked out of the room. "Nice going A.J.," Brian said, getting up to go after him. "What?" A.J. asked, looking back and forth between Kevin and Howie, "I was just teasing, Christ!" "Well maybe its time to stop teasing him," Howie suggested. "So he can dish it out, he just can't take it?" A.J. asked, "He's twenty-one years old, he's gotta grow up sometime." "Just drop it Alex," Kevin said. "Fine, whatever," A.J. said, going back to his meal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian walked out onto the roof of the hotel, his arms wrapped around himself. The breeze was cold, a hint of rain in the air. He looked around, finally spotting Nick sitting close to the edge, staring up at the stars. He quietly walked over to him, "Hey, can I sit down?" Nick shrugged, not taking his eyes off the sky. Brian sat down and stared at his friend for a moment, "You OK?" "I don't know," Nick replied. "Wanna tell me what's bothering you?" Brian asked. Nick shrugged again, still not looking at him. Brian finally looked up, "Wow, I didn't think you could see the stars like this in the city." "We're above most of the lights," Nick offered. "Yeah, I guess we are," Brian said, suddenly noticing just how high up they were, "Um Nick, you might wanna scoot away from the edge there." "I'm OK, I'm not gonna fall, there's a rail," Nick deadpanned. "It would make me feel better," Brian said. Nick laughed, but it didn't reach his eyes, as he scooted over, "There, you happy?" "Yeah," Brian said. "Ya know, you're gonna have to get over that fear of heights sometime," Nick said, looking back up at the sky. "I know, but I'm avoiding it as long as possible," Brian laughed. The two friends sat in silence for several minutes, just looking at the stars, lost in their own thoughts. At last, Brian looked over, "What's wrong Nick? You've been kinda down lately, what's going on?" Nick glanced at him, then his focus was back on the night sky, "Just been thinking." "About?" "My life," he answered, "I don't fit." Brian was confused, "You don't fit?" Nick shook his head, "No, I don't." "What do you mean?" he asked. Nick sighed and looked at Brian, "I don't fit in, I never have. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I just don't. Not with my family, or my friends, or you guys .... I don't belong here." "Nick, that's not true," Brian said. Nick shook his head, "Yes it is, and I'm just tired of being teased about it. I get that I don't fit in, I don't have to be reminded of it on a constant basis." "What makes you think that you don't fit in?" Brian asked. Nick sighed, "Brian, do you really have to ask that? You know me better than anyone." "OK, I'll admit that you do some strange things every once in a while, but just because you do doesn't mean you don't fit in," he said. "Yes it does," Nick said, "Those things aren't strange to me. I do them because it's natural for me to, but no one else does. No one in my family does them, I've never seen anyone do them." Brian sighed, "Nick, everyone has behaviors that are unique to them. Just because you have a few more than anyone else doesn't mean you don't fit in. Look at the group, we wouldn't be the group without you, you fit in here Nick." Nick looked back up at the sky and sighed. He knew what Brian was trying to do, but it wasn't working. "We should go in, it's freezing out here," Brian said. "I'm not cold," Nick stated. "You'll get sick again," he said. Nick shrugged, "I'm always sick, it doesn't matter." Brian watched as Nick laid down looking up at the sky. Oh to hell with it, he thought, laying down next to him. "I thought you were cold," Nick said. "I am, but I'm not leaving you alone," he answered. Nick didn't say anything, he just looked at the sky dotted with millions of stars. "You ever wonder?" he asked. "Wonder what?" Brian asked. "All this," Nick said, pointing at the sky, "We can't be the only ones here, ya know." Brian laughed, "You think there's aliens out there somewhere?" Nick looked at him, "Don't you?" "I dunno, I don't guess I've ever thought about it," Brian admitted. "I do, all the time," Nick said under his breath. "I guess there could be," Brian said. "I just don't understand why God would make all this, just for us, ya know? I mean there's millions and millions of stars and planets and suns out there. It can't all be just for us to look at," Nick mused. Brian chuckled and looked over, "You think about this a lot?" "Yeah," Nick admitted, "I feel comfortable here, looking at them." "But you don't feel comfortable anywhere else?" he asked. "Not really, no," Nick said. "How long have you felt like this?" Brian asked, growing more concerned with each statement that came out of Nick's mouth. "I'm not sure. I think I've always felt this way, as long as I can remember ... but lately it bothers me more," he said. "How come?" Brian asked. "I don't know. Nothing's changed, but it just feels different," he said. "Can you tell me how?" Brian asked. Nick sighed, "I'm not sure I can explain it. It's just a feeling .. like deep inside me. I know I don't belong, and I never have. I just wanna ....." "Wanna what?" Brian asked, sitting up and looking at him. Nick glanced at him, "I wanna leave." "Leave? You mean the group?" Brian asked, fear showing in his eyes. Nick shook his head, "No, just leave here .... I told you I couldn't explain it." Brian calmed down somewhat, "OK, you're right, I don't understand, but I do know one thing." "Yeah?" "You are my best friend, and I love you. All the guys love you, and we'd do anything to help you out. You know that right?" Brian said. Nick smiled at him, "Yeah I know." Brian noticed Nick was shaking, "Come on let's go in, you're shaking." "I am? I didn't notice," Nick said, sitting up. "Yeah, and if you get sick again, Kevin's gonna hit the roof," Brian said, standing up and offering Nick his hand. Nick took it and got up, walking with Brian to the door, "I can't help it, I always get sick." "Well, sitting out here in the cold is just egging it on," Brian said. Nick rolled his eyes, "Yes daddy." "Nope, I'm the concerned friend, Kevin is the daddy," Brian corrected. Nick laughed as they walked down the flight of stairs to their floor. "Mind if I come in?" Brian asked, as Nick reached his room. "You don't have to tuck me in, I'm fine," Nick said. Brian looked at him with that stubborn look he gets sometimes, letting him know he didn't believe him. "Fine, suit yourself," Nick said, entering his room and leaving the door open for Brian. Nick went into the bedroom of his suite and changed into his favorite pair of sweats and a t-shirt, then ordered room service, since he didn't get to finish his meal. Brian watched TV as Nick ate, then got up and walked to the door of the bedroom, "I'm going to sleep." "OK man, see you in the morning," Brian called. "K ... and Bri?" Nick said. "Yeah?" "Thanks," Nick said, then turned and walked into the room. Brian stayed until he knew Nick was asleep, then turned off the TV and the lights. He left Nick's room, just as Kevin, A.J. and Howie walked off the elevator. "Where you guys been?" Brian asked. "Bar," A.J. replied, grinning. "You should've come, there were some cute girls," Howie said. "Yeah I bet," Brian replied, angry that they didn't show anymore concern for Nick. "Guys, we need to talk," he said. "Bout what?" Kevin asked. "Nick," Brian answered. All three saw the serious look on Brian's face and immediately thought the worse. Kevin's room was close, so they all went in there. "What happened?" he asked. "Nothing happened, but I'm worried," Brian said, "He said he felt like he didn't belong, and all the teasing is making it worse." A.J. sighed, "I said I was sorry." "Not to him you didn't," Brian said, "J you didn't see him up there. He looked .... I dunno, lost. Like a little kid that just found out there wasn't a Santa Claus. He's really struggling with this, and our teasing just hurts him even more." "So what do we do? Coddle him for the rest of his life?" A.J. asked, "He's twenty-one Brian, we can't keep protecting him from the big bad world, he's gotta grow up, toughen up." Brian opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. "Well, we can stop teasing him if it makes him feel that bad," Kevin said, looking at A.J. "Alright, I'll stop," A.J. said. "It's not just the teasing though," Brian said, "He said he just doesn't fit in, anywhere. Not even with his family." "Who does fit into that family?" Howie asked. "OK, family aside," Kevin said, "What are we looking at here? Is he depressed? Does he need to see someone? What?" "I don't know," Brian said. Kevin sat down on the couch and ran his hand through his hair, "OK, let's watch him a little more closely, and try not to upset him. Maybe he's just going through a phase, and he'll snap out of it after a while." "And if not, we can get him whatever help he needs," Howie said. "Alright, agreed?" Kevin asked. "Agreed," the three said, moving to leave the room. "See you guys in the morning," Kevin said, as they filed out of his room and shut the door. He shook his head and sighed, "Little brother, you're gonna send me to an early grave," he mumbled, worried about Nick as he went to bed. Chapter 2 |