Title: All the Little Logans —or— You Don’t Need a Bag of Wolverines to Pinch a Stranger’s Butt

Author: m.jules

 

Summary:  Meg is convened upon by her multiple Logan muses…and manages to keep it from turning into an orgy.  Combination boomerang bunny and Andy “author-and-muses” bunny.

Disclaimer: Logan, in his many forms, still does not yet belong to me.  (Drat!)  And I don’t even belong to myself – I sold my soul a long time ago.  (Not that I think it was worth the going price.)  Duncan belongs to whoever owns the Snowy River stuff.  (Boy do I wish that was me!  Can we say Tom Burlinson?  Guy Pearce?  Hugh Jackman?)

Author’s Notes:  I’m hoping you can identify the fics I refer to below by the hints I give.  If not, sorry.  And also – coupla things you’ll need to know toward the end – “root” is a vulgar Australian slang term roughly translating into “fuck,” and Duncan was Hugh Jackman’s character in the Man from Snowy River TV series.  Hugh Jackman on a horse.  Wowie.

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All The Little Logans

 

“All right – if everybody could just come in and sit down, and maybe get quiet, we can get started.  Thank you.  Who would like to go first?  Ah, you, you sir.  I, um, I can’t see your nametag – which one are you?”

 

“Y’can’t fuckin’ tell?”

“Um, no, not really, no.  I mean, you all look pretty much the same – except for those two over there, who don’t look like the rest of you, but they’re kinda twins – and well, just, no.”

 

“Hrmph.  Fuckin’ figures.  Y’ain’t talked to me in so long y’don’t even know which one I am.”

“Hey listen here, mister!  I’m fairly certain that you stopped talking to me first!  I would never intentionally ignore you – any of you!”

 

“Well, ya haven’t been payin’ much attention to me, neither.”

“Sugar, would you please wait your turn?  I understand that all of you are a little upset – that’s why we’re having this meeting – but if I can just deal with you one at a time…”

 

“And I was first.”

 

“Yes, yes you were, sugar.  Now, would you please mind telling me which one you are so we can get down to business?”

 

“I got one word fer you, darlin’: Rushin’.”

 

“Oh.  Oh damn.  I should’ve known it would be you.  Um, okay, so what’s your complaint, Logan?”

 

“Y’know the reason I stopped talkin’ ta you ‘bout that fic?”

 

“Why?”

 

“’Cause you were tryin’ ta make me inta some kinda pansy-ass.  Fuck, I can’t even tell Marie what my favorite fantasy of her is?”

 

“Well, the idea was supposed to be that it was so antithetical to your perceived personality that you were overcome with … shall we say, a reluctance … to divulge the details of said fantasy.”

 

“Y’ain’t gonna get outta this by talkin’ fancy and shit, so don’t even go pullin’ a Hank on me, got that, lady?”

 

“Watch your tone, young man – I’m still the author.  I could dress you up in a pink tu-tu and make you have a godawful crush on, say, Scoo—er, I mean, Scott.”

 

“Nah.  You can’t write jack-shit if I decide to go on strike.”

 

“Ugh.  All right, you win.  So what, exactly, do you propose?  After all, it was supposed to be in response to Karen and Nadine’s FiremanLogan bunny.  Nadine even made a gorgeous picture for us.  And, being that it was the sequel to Bodyrock, there was sure to be some really hot smut in there too.”

 

“I ain’t opposed to the smut, darlin’, and I don’t even really mind the fireman shit.”

 

“Glad to know that’s manly enough for you.”

 

“Eh, it wouldn’t be my first choice, but y’know, if it makes Marie all hot for me, I guess I could handle it.”

 

“Okay, so what, exactly, is your complaint?”

 

“I don’t want you makin’ me out to be so damned sissy in the beginnin’!  I mean, sure, it ain’t what most people would expect me to fantasize about, but that don’t mean I wouldn’t tell Marie.  I tell her damned near everythin’.”

“You have a point.  All right, complaint noted.  Please, take your seat, and let’s move on to the next – er, Logan.”

 

“Howdy, darlin’.”

 

“Oh, hey, sugar!  I know you.”

 

“You should.  Dunn here woulda given me away even if the cowboy hat didn’t.”

 

*giggles like a schoolgirl*  “Yeah…”

 

“Say, uh, darlin’?”

“Yeah?  Oh, oh, sorry Logan!  Sorry!  I, um, got kinda carried away for a minute there.  What’s your complaint, baby?”

 

“Well, I was just wonderin’… d’ya hafta make me the kinda guy who went to the town, uh, cathouse an’ everythin’?”

 

“Uhm, well, sugar, I only did that ‘cause I thought you might insist on it…”

 

“Nah.  I mean, I ain’t denyin’ that a man’s got needs--”

 

“And, oh, sugar, you are most definitely a man.”

 

“Uh, yeah.  Anyway, but what I was tryin’ ta say is… shit.  I don’t want Marie knowin’ that about me, ya know?  I kinda want her to think she’s gettin’ a good deal and shit.  I know I ain’t a prize – not like maybe Warren or Luke -- ”

 

“Well, now, darlin’ – I’m not going to argue with you that Luke is a very special guy, but I wouldn’t go selling you short, either.  If you weren’t entirely fictional, I’m afraid my sweet Luke would have a little competition…”

 

“Well, thanks, Meg.  That’s real sweet of you.”

 

“Meant every word, sugar.”

 

“Well, like I was sayin’, she don’t really know what to expect, ya know?  She just got on a train in New York and came all the way out west to marry someone she don’t know nothin’ about… and I just don’t want her thinkin’ she got a bum deal, with a husband who can’t even keep it in his pants.”

 

“Oh, baby, I promise you, by the time she gets around to noticing what she got, she won’t have any complaints.”

 

“Okay—hey, wait a second—what do you mean ‘by the time she gets around to noticin’?”

 

“Um, I can’t really discuss the plot with you, sugar.  That would give too much away.”

 

“But— ”

“I’m sorry, Logan, I really am… but you have to remember, we have an audience here, and I can’t really spoil the plot for them, okay?  Just – everything’s going to be all right.  You get a happy ending.  Remember that, kay?”

 

“I get a happy endin’?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You promise?”

 

“I promise, sugar.  Why are you so worried?”

 

“Well, ya know, ever since you did whatcha did to that poor fool in Red Rain and Blood of Eden, the rest of us have been a little…worried.  We didn’t think ya’d ever do that to any of us.”

 

“Oh, sugar, I’m sorry.  No, no, I promise – no character death of any kind in Bridles to Brides.”

 

“Not even some of the bad guys?”

 

“Uh, well, you don’t really have a lot of bad guys to deal with.  Just, you know, mother nature.”

“Oh, okay.”

 

“So are you all right with everything now?”

 

“Yeah, yeah I am, darlin’.  Thanks.”

 

“My pleasure.  Next?”

 

“We’d like to go together.”

 

“Whoa—teamwork!  But, uh, how am I supposed to tell you two apart?”

 

“I can see how that might be difficult – considerin’ you’ve got both of us chasin’ after our underage student…”

 

“Hey!  That was not my idea to make her underage.  You want to complain about that, you go take it up with the execs over at Kids’ WB, and the writers.  But me, I’m just doing my best to keep things as they should be in all the universes – and you know as well as I do that, underage or not, Rogue belongs with you.”

 

“Hmph. I guess you gotta point.  But that don’t mean we gotta like it.”

 

“Hey, hey, calm down.  I promise, you two make it through So Close and Double Blind and I’ll write a fic where she’s legal, okay?”

 

“I guess that’ll hafta work.”

 

*under breath*  “Big babies.”  *louder*  “Okay, so who’s next?  Anybody?”

 

“I would like to say, mademoiselle, that I have no complaints with the direction of the story.  You are resolving the issues beautifully as they arise, and I think you’re doing a fine job.”

 

“Why, thank you, gorgeous!  You’re doing a fine job of cooperating, yourself.  Anybody else?  I have time for one more.  Actually – I’d like to pick one of you, if you don’t mind – uh, you – are you the one with a sister?  Mercy?”

 

“Yeah, that’s me.  Why d’you ask?”

 

“Well, I just haven’t been able to get anything done on that story in awhile, and it’s starting to bother me.  I know it’s not your fault – it’s mostly Mercy’s – but could you maybe give me some advice…?”

 

“Sorry, darlin’, I wish I could.  All I can tell ya is that she’s got pre-weddin’ jitters and keeps goin’ inta hidin’ for weeks at a time.  Drivin’ Hank crazy.”

 

“It’s driving me crazy, too.  Do you think you could track her down, try to talk her into coming back around long enough to at least get the wedding done?”

 

“I’ll see what I can do.  Anything else?”

 

“Uh, no, not really, thanks.  Is there anything you wanted to say to me?”

 

“Nah.  I mean, I was gonna rag on ya ‘bout usin’ that particular passage from Heart of Darkness – totally outta context – but I figured, eh, it’s no big deal.  Most people prolly won’t realize it anyhow, and it’s kinda sweet in the context you put it in.”

 

“Oh, um.  Thanks.”  *Suspicious*  “You been talkin’ to Jen about that?”

 

“Nope.  Just somethin’ ya notice when you’ve read a book a few hundred times.”

 

“Hm.  Guess so.  All right, thanks, Logan.”

 

“Anytime, darlin’.”

 

“Now, I know some of you didn’t get a chance to – ”

 

“Um, excuse me, can I barge in on ya, mate?”

 

*shocked*  “Duncan?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s me.  Look, I, uh, I know this was just supposed to be for your Logan Muses, but I was wondering if maybe you could come see me after you’re done here.  There’s a couple of things I’d like to talk to you about.”

 

“Sure, Duncan, sure.  Whatever you, uh, whatever you want.  I could bring over some beer if you want.  Root, that is.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

*blushes brightly*  “Oh!  I meant, I meant root beer.  You know, uh, oh, nevermind.  Would cream soda be okay?”

 

“Uh, look, Meggie, just don’t worry about that, ‘kay?  Just come on over and we’ll talk.”

 

“Okay, okay – uh, is now good?  Because I’m, uh, I’m just leaving now.  I could come with you now if you want.”

 

“Oy.  All right then, whatever.  You’re sure you’re done here?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure.  Let’s go.”

 

“Right.  And, uh, Meg?”

 

“Yeah, Dunny?”

 

“D’ya think you could refrain from pinchin’ me bum this time?”

 

*Blushes brightly*  “Um, I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises, all right?”

 

*resigned sigh*  “All right.  Let’s go.”

 

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The End!  (whew!)