X-Philes Under Investigation

Author: Foxie Meg

Summary: Uh, no

Disclaimer: As a DarkSider Intellishipper, 
I consider myself to have the right to
tease both NoRomos and Shippers alike.
(Did I mention megalomania in my long 
list of attributes?)  I am NOT employed
by the US Government, but I was a Political
Science major for two weeks - does that 
count?  Besides, I plead Absence of Malice.
Nothing I say or imply about the aptitude
of the Federal Bureau of Investigation is
meant in anything but the kindest of ways.
(Aside to Lawyer: Was that okay?  Think
they'll buy it?)

I also don't own Chris Carter - it's
obvious he sold his soul to the devil 
long ago; otherwise how could he have
even *considered* killing Krycek?  *SOB*

WARNING: If you don't have a sense of
humor, don't read this story.  You won't
like it.  If you DO have a sense of humor,
read at your own risk.  You still may not
like it.

xXxXxXx

FROM: Agent Ryan Charles, Federal Bureau 
of Investigation, Los Angeles Field Office
Special Agent in Charge of Case #CCXP7121A

TO: Mr. Christopher W. Carter
1013 Productions

RE: Case #CCXP7121A - 'The Fans'


Dear Mr. Carter:

Upon reviewing the sources you recommended
to us in order to observe the suspects, we
are more confused than when we began.

I confess, when you first contacted us with
your concerns that millions of people were
quickly becoming menaces to society as a 
result of a television show of your creation,
we suspected you of nothing more than the 
typical Hollywood ego trip.

However, it is now our decided opinion that
these people, while certainly frightening,
are no mortal danger to anyone.  Their 
intelligence level isn't nearly as high as
you seemed to imply - unless I misunderstood
your description of your show.

As we understood you, it is a show about 
paranormal phenomena and aliens.  There was
something else included on the official
report, but it was censored.  A fellow agent
held it up to the light, but we couldn't 
make anything out clearly.  Agent Michel
thought it said "government conspiracies,"
but then she's always been a little off her
rocker.

Now, maybe you have some insight into this,
but how hundreds of people managed to mistake
this premise for a show about nautical exploits
is beyond our comprehension.

Our basic understanding of the factions of
these fans is as follows:

1. The Shippers - Well, once we cracked their
code (I swear, we nearly had to bring in the 
Enigma machine on this one until we figured out
that they were just cleverly mixing up their
spelling and punctuation until the language 
was virtually unrecognizable as English), it 
seems that they are mostly concerned about the
Mould on the Skulls, which is either a new 
supergroup featuring Celine Dion, Britney Spears,
and Mariah Carey; or - and this is our strongest
inclination - these are pirates who have a 
problem with mildew.

2. The Row No Mores (or something like that) -
These cynical, bitter individuals are the ones
we will hold responsible when there is no 
lemonade at our picnic, as it's obvious from
the looks on their faces that they've been
sucking all the lemons.  These party-poopers
advocate (as is obvious from their name) the
removal of all sailing from the show - which
seems odd, because - aside from this little
quirk of wanting to take sailing out of what
is apparently a nautical show - they seem
to be highly intelligent.  We're certain
this is all just a highly complicated code
that we haven't been lucky enough to break
yet.

3. The Dippers - At first, from their name,
we thought these must have been sailing
purists who advocated position-finding by
the stars alone (particularly the North
Star, which is contained in the Little
Dipper) but when Agent Grey stumbled
across something that suggested bestiality,
we abandoned investigation on this 
particular vein for the time being.  If
I may be honest, Mr. Carter, these are 
truly frightening beings.

4. The Skippers - Well, obviously these
are old-fashioned sailors to the core. 
We think these will be the ones to support
you whole-heartedly (misguided though they
may be about the show's intentions).  There
has only been one unexplainable quirk so
far, and that is their apparent worship of
something called The Golden Spork.  We have
our best agents working 'round the clock
in an attempt to decipher what this could
refer to.

5. The Frippers - Now, more than any of
the other factions, this relatively new
group has us baffled.  Our lack of progress
in investigating the strange beliefs of
this cult is a direct result of a beyond-
frightening creature, a picture of which 
they included in their portfolio, that they 
seem to hold as an indispensable part of 
their beliefs.  And that's not counting the 
fanged white worm thingy either.


And from what we understand, these are just
the tip of the iceberg.  We have heard 
rumors of more (and even more twisted, if
you can believe it) groups, one of which
seems to have stumbled closer to your
intentions than the others - at least their
name suggests a reference to a SPACEship, 
even if it does sound like they'd rather
ride with Darth Vader than to put up with
Obi-Wan Kenobi's crap.

So, Mr. Carter, unless you have any further
information with which to assist us, we
suggest you just go with the flow - if you'll
pardon the pun - and change the name of your
show to the White Whale Files instead of
The X-Files.  And you might consider changing
your name to Ahab.

Sincerely yours,
S.A. Ryan Charles,
Los Angeles F.B.I.



xXxXxXx

FROM: Chris Carter
1013 Productions

TO: SAC Ryan Charles
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Los Angeles Field Office

RE: My Tax Refund This Year


Dear Agent Charles:

I find it hard to believe that my
hard-earned money goes toward paying
your salary.  Not even my writers 
have ever managed to misinterpret
the show as badly as you have done 
with the fans.

Of course, one might also argue that
not even I have been able to interpret
it as consistently as you, but that's
beside the point.

My point is... ah hell, I don't 
even know what my point is anymore.
I think I lost it somewhere around
those damn spirits who can never make
appointments.  What are they called
again?  Where's my continuity editor? 
 
I demand a reshoot!

Oh yeah - I made this.


Sincerely,
Dr. Frankenst--er, Mr. Carter

xXxXxXx

The End