Q.How do you circumsize a manc? A. Kick his sister in the jaw Q: How can you tell when a United tart has an orgasm? A: She drops her bag of chips A young United Tart falls in love with a man and brings him home. Dad is horrified to see the young man wearing a United shirt. The bastard even has the gall to ask for her hand in marriage. Dad is polite enough, but manages to get round the question of consent, and after the Scum fu*ks off, he tells his daughter that that man will never ever, marry her while there is breath in his body. Daughter bursts into tears and storms up to her room. The wailing coming from upstairs eventually gets to Dad's conscience and he goes upstairs. They have a deep and meaningful discussion and after many hours, Dad caves in and agrees to the marriage for the sake of family harmony and his daughter's future happiness. There's just one thing that you MUST promise me. I know what these Scum bastards are all about. If EVER he asks you for sex the other way round, you must say no. Now the daughter is young, sweet and innocent and doesn't have a clue what Daddy is on about. Daddy doesn't want to explain right now, but promises that if the need ever arises, she will. So the sweet young thing marries the Scum bastard, the ceremony and the reception pass off without incident, and the young pair go off to start their new life together. All is sweetness and roses for about six months until one day the young woman remembers the proviso to the marriage. "Tosser," she says, "have you ever thought about having sex the other way round?" The Scum bastard replies, "What, and fill the fu*king house with children?" For years, a young United Fan had been taking holidays at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you phone when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a ba***rd in the family than a United Fan."
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Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the premiership and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top. The Arsenal fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Gooners!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Newcastle fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Magpies!" Seeing this, the Liverpool fan walked over and shouted "This is for the true Reds and everyone!" and pushed the Man United fan off the side of the mountain. Q... Daddy, Daddy, why is that lion licking his bum? A... Son, that's because he has just eaten a United fan and is trying to get rid of the taste. Q... What is the ideal weight of a United Fan? A... About three pounds, including the urn. A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Man U fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Man U fans too. Not really knowing what a Man U fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Man U fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm proud to be a City fan.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a City fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are City fans, and I'm a City fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a druggy, and your dad was a pimp. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Man U fan." An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think those glory hunters Man United fans come from?" Two man Utd fans in London (at Home) walked past a shop and saw the sign- Shirts 50p Trousers �1. One said 'great value! lets buy some.' Other says 'don't let them know we're Man u fans or they'll try to rip us off.' So they hide their scarves. They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each. The assistant asked "are you Man u fans" to which they replied "yes". He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.' -------- A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks." The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the scum fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, "Potatoes". A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven." "What ?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Man Utd fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
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Q...Whats the difference between Man. United and a good Wank? A...You can beat United but you can't beat a good Wank. Q...Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Man United strip? A...The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment. Q...What do you call a Man. Utd. fan with a car? A...A Thief Q...What do you call a Man. Utd. fan with a Ferrari? A...A bloody good Thief Q...What's the difference between a vibrator and a man u fan? A...A man u fan is a real dick. One day an Arsenal, a Man Utd. and a Liverpool fan decided to put their differences behind them and discuss the merits of their teams in civilized manner down the local pub. After several hours of discussion and drinking they decide to leave the establishment and make their way to the exit. As they push each other through the doorway one of them knocks over a bottle. WHOOSSHH - A genie suddenly appears and says "I have been trapped inside this bottle for 200 years, now I will grant you all one wish in thanks for your deed" The arsenal fan considers for a moment and says "I want to be back at Highbury and see Tony Adams lift the Premier trophy again". Moments later his wish is granted and he is back at a packed Highbury at end of season watching his team walk away with the title. The Man Utd fan says "I want the Premiership trophy back at Old Trafford and a huge wall erected around Manchester to keep outsiders out and the trophy inside." Moments later the scum fan finds himself back in the grotty surroundings of Salford and a huge wall is erected around the City. The Liverpool fan considers for a short while and says "Tell me about this wall, Genie ?" "well" says the Genie, "It's 50 foot high, 20 feet wide and nothing can get over, around or through it" The Liverpool fan replies "Oh well in that case fill the f**ker with water"
