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Alex Ferguson walks into the changing rooms to give a half time team talk and there is a massive pile of shit on the floor, "Right" screams Alex "Who's shit on the floor"? Butt chirps up "Me boss, but I'm not bad in the air". Fergie was getting worried that all his players were shit, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice. Wenger explained that he got all the Arsenal players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Fergie try this. Two weeks later, Wenger rang back to see how the sheepshaggers were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, Fergie was still pissed off. "Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Wenger "Bloody cones beat us 3-0" muttered Fergie. Why does Sir Alex Ferguson make squelching noises as he walks??'Cause he's a f**king cunt!!!! Alex Ferguson is watching a rather tame game at struggling Doncaster when he spots a young lad with real potential. Keen to build on his continued success by developing young talented players he approaches the lad and offers him a contract. The day comes when the lad is about to play in his first game. Alex calls him aside to firm up on the details of the contract: "Right then lad, I've decided to start you on a salary of 25,000 per week. The lad replies "25,000 per week!!! I was lucky to get #250 at Doncaster! Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here.... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow.....set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts." The lad is ecstatic "7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat at Doncaster! Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and thinking! I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend. The lad is on cloud nine "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster! Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big! Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised If I pull you off at half time. The lad can't believe it "Pull me off at half time!!!, I only got an orange at Doncaster!" On the return journey from an away match the Man Utd team bus crashed killing several players. On arriving at the Pearly Gates the players were told by St. Peter that they would have to confess their sins before they were allowed into Heaven. Roy Keane was the first in the queue and St. Peter asked him "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" Keane replied "I did once just brush it with the tip of my finger". "Dip the tip of your finger into the bowl of Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter. Paul Scholes was the next in the queue. "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" asked St. Peter. "I did once toss him off" replied Scholes. "Wash your hand in that Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter. All of a sudden there was a scuffling in the queue and Nicky Butt pushed through to the front ahead of David Beckham."What's going on there?" asked St. Peter. "Well," said Butt, "If I'm going to have to stick my tongue in that bowl of Holy Water, I want to get there before Beckham dunks his arse in it."
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