Anagrams : Manchester United - Urine Detatchments - Cremated Nun Sh**e - Hesitant Crude Men Q...How do you make a Man United player cross? A...Nail Butt and Scholes together. A Man walks into a crowded Bar and proclaims that 'Everybody in here is a Manchester United Arsehole', a small Man at the back of the Bar pipes up and says ' I take exception to that remark'. Why asks the first Man, are you a Manchester United fan?. No replies the small Man, I'm an Arsehole. Gary and Phil Neville are sitting in the pub with their dog and this guy comes in and lifts up the dog's tail, looks underneath it and then leaves. Gary and Phil are bemused by this but continue to enjoy their drinks. Then another guy comes in and does the same thing, looks under the dog's tail and then leaves. When a third guy comes in and starts to do the same thing, Phil stops him and asks "hold on mate. you are the third person to do that. What are you doing?" The guy says "There is a man outside who says that there is a dog in here with 2 arseholes." A couple were going through the traumatic throes of a divorce when the subject of the custody of their 4-year-old became the contended point. The judge said that since the lad's future was at stake he would like to see the young boy alone in chambers. Once in chambers, the judge asked if the boy understood what was happening. The 4-year said, "Yes sir, my mammy and daddy won't be living together any more." "That's correct my boy" said the judge "And would you like to live with mammy?" "No" replied the boy. "Why not?" asked the judge. "Because she beats me!" said the lad. "Hmm" said the judge, "Would you like to live with your daddy then?" Again the boy answered "No". Again the judge asked "Why not?" And the little lad replied "Because he beats me too." "Well then, who do you want to live with?" queried the judge. The young boy quickly replied "Manchester United FC, sir." "Why Man United?" Asked the puzzled judge. "Because they don't beat anybody" the boy simply replied. Q... What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Manchester? A... A leisure centre Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?". God Replies, "In the next eight years" "But I'll be dead by then", says the man. The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Chelsea win the Premier League?". The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years". "But I'll be dead by then", says the man. The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Manchester United win the European Champion League again?". God answers "I'll be dead by then!" Mr and Mrs Bartez were washing the dishes one night after tea, when suddenly Bartez drops a plate on the floor, pieces flying everywhere. The wife turns around, and quite out of the blue, says "now I want to know where you've been the last Monday, Wednesday nights and last Saturday afternoons". Bartez looks guilty and says "well if you must know, I've been having sex with prostitutes". The wife says "liar, you're United's new goalkeeper, aren't you. Every Monday night you go out to train, on Wednesday you play a midweek match then on Saturday you play again". "No really", said Bartez, "3 times a week I go out and pay women to have sex with me". "you're sure?" said the wife, "I mean, having sex with prostitutes is one thing, but being United's new goalkeeper is another thing altogether.. the humiliation would be unbearable". "Well I promise I'm not United's new goalkeeper" said Bartez The wife seemed satisfied with this so she walked off to get another tea towel, picked up a clean towel and threw is to her husband. As the towel was lofting through the air, Bartez took a step back, tried to catch the tea towel, dropped it and fell over. The wife screams "you lying c*nt, you _are_ United's new goal keeper
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MUTV television schedule What's our favourite TV channel? MUTV!!! And this is its schedule tomorrow morning... 7.00 am RU:UD Team news, diets and hair advice with Ruud Van Nistelrooy. 9.00 BLUE PETER What was Peter Schmeichel saying when he was shouting at his defenders, and what language is Barthez using? 9.30 EVERY SECOND COUNTS Quiz with Sir Alex Ferguson and his famous stopwatch. 10.00 THE GREAT ANTIQUES HUNT Bryan Robson explains what possessed him to sign Gary Pallister. 10.30 TOP GEAR This week teenage fans show off their favourite replica shirts over the years (repeat). 11.00 ANIMAL HOSPITAL Rolf Harris looks at how the surgeons are helping Roy Keane back to full fitness after his recent hip operation. Plus extracts from his new autobiography written by Eamon Dunphy. 12.00 CHANGING ROOMS David Beckham talks about the ones he's sat in over the years. 1.00 IN RESERVE Full coverage of one of the Reserve Team's games last week. Who knows - these could be our stars of tomorrow! 3.00 BOBBY CHARLTON'S FOOTBALL SCRAPBOOK 4.00 GARRY BIRTLES' FOOTBALL SCRAPHEAP 5.00 RED DWARF The Paul Scholes story. 5.30 WESTCOUNTRY LIVE United's traditional fan base have their say. 6.00 BLANKETY-BLANK Highlights of United in the league, big cup and little cup last season. 7.00 THE TRAVEL SHOW A must for all fans this week as we show you how to get to Manchester from central London. 7.30 I'M A CELEBRITY PLAYER, GET ME OUT OF HERE More updates on the transfer market, and when the window opens again. 8.00 MEN BEHAVING BADLY Guests this week are Norman Whiteside, Paul McGrath, and Tommy Docherty. Presented by Eric Cantona. 8.30 WATCHDOG What are your rights if you spend a fortune on something that doesn't do the job it was intended for? Anne Robinson takes time out to join us from her quiz show, and takes Poborski, Forlan and Cruyff back to the shop. 9.00 QUESTION TIME WITH SIR ALEX FERGUSON 9.01 WINNER TAKES ALL A big-hearted tribute to Arsenal's 2001-02 season. 9.30 RED NOSE DAY SPECIAL More laughs with former Man Utd goalie Peter Schmeichel 11.30 ROUGH JUSTICE A special report on a throw-in that the referee gave the wrong way in last season's home match against Arsenal. (Continues tomorrow) 12.00 FILM: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY Paul Scholes, Gary Neville and Phil Neville have a big adventure. 2.00 WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? Sir Alex discusses a throw-in decision with the referee's assistant from a recent first-team game. 5.00 am CLOSEDOWN
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