Scenario one: �Faced� Picture this if you will������ It was a cold winter afternoon, the concrete coloured skies lay thick with the prospect of heavy rain, and the wind began to howl in glee of the suns departure. (Don�t you just hate it when you get out of the office and the wind acts like a perverted 85 year old man on viagra, by coming up behind you and blowing your split skirt to profound heights that defy gravity, making your face as red as the colour they should have painted the telecom card phones? Anyho��..) Two co-workers had just finished work, then took a minute to re-cap on the days hard work outside the office, which was metres away from a bar frequented by fine foreigners. As they are filling their lungs with carbon monoxide, in turn stunting their growth and shortening their lifespan by several years, they notice a very healthy and fine foursome coming out of the bar and towards them. As they come closer the co-workers comment on how fine they look, the debate then begins on where they were from. As the pair listen to the accents that boom from their well defined mouths they realise that they are Italian, *Drool*. As the strangers stop and ask for directions to a quaint caf� where they may eat and be comfortable, the two co-workers, being the kind and courteous kiwis that their mothers would be proud of, give them directions. As the Italian men walk away one co-worker has her eyes fixated on the rather shy and coy one, and does not notice that her boyfriend has pulled up right behind her, in their car. In a panic she rushes to collect her bag that is strategically placed behind the sign of a shop, bends over and looses her footing, thus falling head over tit on the rather flimsy sign. Sniggers filled the air on that fateful afternoon from every avenue, and needless to say Italy was smiling too. What have I learnt from this scenario � TAKE HEED SINNER AND SEE THE SIGN/S Scenario two: �Check yourself� Every time I am in an elevator I have a �moment� and snigger to myself about this one. I had to tie my friend to a fence and whip him until he still told me I could not tell anyone about this. Sue me *buddy* you can call my lawyer on 1-800-HEHE Extension KMA. Lights camera ACTION! Work on the 10th floor of a 12-story building? Like the look of the chick who works on the 7th floor as a beauty consultant? While taking the elevator up to his office B1 is feeling quite gassed (Beer will do that to you, evil stuff that is), and seeing as he is fashionably early for work this morning, he assumes that he is the only one in the building. B1 does not know that B2 has brought the devils spawn into work this morning, and they are running rampant through the building, (this little factor becomes relevant VERY soon). Without hesitating B1 let�s rip a �big one�, ya know, one that just oozes, check yourself. To his surprise he hears a �Hold the lift�, and being the caring charming, selfless man he is, he holds the door to let the familiar voice in. As the doors close making a noise similar to that of prison doors closing on a man who is on death row, B1 notices that the familiar voice is the fine ass consultant from the 7th floor. She enters the lift with a smile and a chirpy �good morning� which quickly turns into a nose twitching filth glance at B1. As they reach the 1st floor the doors open, pushing the gas in a circular motion right into the consultants face and then back into the elevator, B1 notices the giddy laughter of the �devils spawn�. He sighs in disbelief as he is subjected to the humiliation a further 4 floors, the same circulation of putrid air, and the giddy laughter of the �devils spawn�. Alas on the 5th floor the young and beautiful consultant gives in, turns to B1 and sez �I�ll take the stairs, the exercise will do me the world of good�. B1 replies with a nod and watches the consultant walk out of the lift. He then continues, one floor at a time, to his office on the tenth. As he reaches the 10th floor and the doors open for the last time he is confronted with a pile of �devils spawn� rolling around on the floor laughing. What I have learnt from this scenario � TWO THINGS 1. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE 2. BEER IS EVIL Scenario Three: Fully loaded I feel for this friend, who occurred this grave injustice. *Hugs* Mount Maunganui, ahh the place of sand, surf, the babes that scatter the beaches with their skimpy Speedos and the ritual prancing of fine tanned ass. As you do when you are young and free, you take a bunch of mates to the beach and you goof off, and this was no exception. As you do when you are at the mount you wear your bikini top with short shorts coz����U CAN AND U DID! Like the tough well-bred kiwi folk we have been raised to be, we started up a game of rugby on the beach. This turned into a nasty dunking of chicks in the shallow breakers (horny juvenile males). Anon3 decides that it is safer for her to sit in the shallow breakers and rock the �I�m chillin number�. So she sits in the shallowz and digs her feet into the wet and slushy sand, typical Inlander! She sits quietly for quite a while, giggling at her friends who are being dunked into the water. She then comes out of the water with a hop skip and a jump because the water is getting rather cold, to the stares of her friend looking at her nether regions. As she looks down to see what all the fuss is about she notices a big lump of sand in her bikini bottoms, sagging the crotch. Needless to say, to this day I have never seen anyone turn and get back into the water that fast. What I have learnt from this scenario � SAND IS A MAN-BITCH Scenario Four: Fire away, Hailey�s comet! Yet another boarding school number *sighs* Imagine choir practice of gigantic proportions, the whole school in sync with the headmistress waving her hands like an epileptic off his medication, to the tune of Ave Maria. Ah yes one of those scary but true numbers. As they do in all girls� boarding schools they teach you to be god fearing, polite, and well-mannered ladies. This picturesque setting was in a rather warmish day right after the Christmas break, on the steps of the school hall, the air smelt like rose blossoms and there was not a glum face to be seen, YET. Okay before I go on you MUST have a background on a catholic all girls school uniform. Firstly there is the everyday uniform that screams, �Just shoot me�. This uniform consists of a well pressed white blouse, with a tinge of that bluo crap your mother swears, does the trick, an a-line skirt that hangs to the knee, because anything above the knee would be considered �utterly perverted�, stockings, and nice brown sandals, the zak label type that you swear you gran has several pairs of. Oh and we must not forget the official uniform for special occasions, the uniform, which you have dubbed �the beast� coz beauty, you are not in this getup. Trademark aline skirt, white pressed shirt, tucked in then poof�d at the waist like the headmistress wanted, brown stockings, blazer with the school emblem that they might as well brand on your forehead, and of course not forgetting the most important thing, the black heels you LOVE soooooooo much, but can�t manage to walk in. So we all had to get dressed in the official getup, like a dress rehearsal for yet another spin on grease, the theatre version. Pointless! So the headbirch was making us sing Ave fricken Maria for like the gazillionth time, just to make sure we had it right before the visitors arrived the following week (picture me rolling my the eyes HERE). Anonlegs11 is situated in the front row because she can rock Ave Maria like one of the girlish sounding choirboys from the church show Praise b. (Or was that faking it like one of the girlish sounding choirboys?). Anyway girlfriend was so GOOD she was BAD! The headmistress stopped our angelic singing, to make us mimic her, in the correct way to sit like real ladies, when out of Sunday she notices a vile act of man! Like squeaky car breaks she bellowed �Anonlegs11, Who are you trying to shoot, Close your legs�. Anonlegs11 struck down with shock, closed her legs, then hung her head. What I have learnt from this scenario � ONLY SHOOT WHEN YOU HAVE A WILLING TARGET Scenario Five: Sticky buns! AnonIknowIcan was always a peculiar child and remembers eating dirt as a child, so the perversion started at a very early age, it seems. 3rd form, the age of innocence before actual study. This tale begins on a windswept Sunday after Mass, so boredom was rampant through the air. AnonIknowIcan and two of her friends, AnonIcan, AnonIthinkIcan, were sitting in the dining room, on a table together eating a nice Sunday roast dinner, when out of the blue came a game of �Grose out.� Sunday Lunch consisted of: Roast beef, with gravy that resembled the consistency of the original green slime, mashed potatoes, green beans, and lightly buttered yeast buns. Dessert was green jelly with fruit set in the bottom, topped with a dollop of whipped cream. Grose out rules The object of Grose out � The object of Grose out is to subject the other players to acts of grossness in the fewest number of turns. � To remove players they must cave (Like a cornered rat), and acknowledge that you are the master of all things disgusting (Bowing is necessary in this instant). � Physical contact is not permitted, unless you wish to smack the players� mother for having such a fucked up child, in this case physical contact is acceptable. � When you are ready to have your turn you must submit an act. Notes 1. To start a new game all players must agree that they are a total bunch of tossers and then a new difficulty level is sought. 2. A player cannot resign his/her turn, or he/she forfeits his/her game, therefore maybe subjected to taunts of �Looser� by the other players. 3. Players must be human (Or at least be third generation human) Beasts not omitted although a certificate of authentication is required. 4. Players must not be over the age of 16, due to the �seniors suck� act of 1995 Scoring in Gross out You can increase or decrease your score based on these rules: � If the initial act makes another player �dry reach� you acquire a total of 1,000,000 bonus points. � If the initial act makes another player �throw up� you automatically WIN (YAY!) � Each time you whine like a bitch at not being able to complete the task you set for yourself, you lose 1,000 points for the first minute, and 5,500 points consecutively for every second after that. Strategies and tips Not every game of Grose out can be won, but you have a better chance of winning if you plot your strategy carefully. � Select players well, people who are easily offended, have weak stomaches, and are all in all WEAK. � Create ambience! Hurl bags strategically placed near, or in the vicinity of each victim (player) is not a bad idea, not too shabby at all. � Move with strategic hand gestures, and fake hurling � As soon as you remove a player arrange the remaining players in close proximity to you. � Use empty hurl bags as fake temporary storage when other player are in the mist of dry reaching. � CAUTION - If you still feel a tad queasy from your turn avoid, �faking� too much, as from experience this generally leads to ACTUAL HURLING. The game began on an easy note with AnonIcan starting the game off on a positive note by picking her nose and eating it, while AnonIthinkIcan and AnonIknowIcan were in the process of placing gravy on their beef. They held their ground and swallowed the beef gallantly, without so much as a flicker of a hurl. AnonIthinkIcan lifts up her glass of milk, takes a gulp, peers at AnonIcan and laughs choking on her milk. Milk comes out of her nose and back into her glass. AnonIthinkIcan, then refuses to drink her milk, sighting being put off by the horrid AnonIcan. Now realizing that AnonIthinkIcan has now been Automatically disqualified, AnonIknowIcan then picks up a single yeast bun, slowly opens it, blows her nose in it, closes it back up and takes and enormous bite. The two disgusted players, are stopped in their tracks by this performance, place their eating utensils down on their plates, and hurl, as they have seen a nice stringy piece of mucus hang from the bun that is now sticky. AnonIknowIcan then in a very calm and strategic move of total professionalism and dedication to the art of the game pipes up and sez �Did I win?� Disclaimer: I do not condone wasting food. What I have learnt from this scenario � Nothing and not a damn thing. Scenario Six: The new art of fencing Ever been around men when they are trying to get one up on each other? This is no exception! Mr T was with a bunch of his mates in an orchard doing some, man bonding, and pretending to do hard work when, as you do when you are with the blokes you run the �I can do it, I bet you can�t, SOFT COCK� game. Mr T should have gone home to run him a bath with those nice smelly salt bombs, but instead he thought he would give fence jumping a go. The first attempt by tosser#1 was a gallant effort, all the years of high jump at school had paid off, and he was rewarded with �that was an easy fence ya big girl� from his ever supportive mates. In pops tosser#2 who sikes himself up by telling himself that his fence is higher than number 1�s, plus it has an element of danger, that the guys will RESPECT after he accomplishes the task. BARBED WIRE! (Kids ask you parents before attempting this cool stunt) He gives himself a 10 metre run up, sprints faster than the original speeding bullet, leaps off one leg, and clears the fence in one easy swoop. Number two lands on his knees, brushes the dirt imbedded in his knees, stands up and nods in pride at his mates, who are now nodding in silence too. Mr T the accomplished master of all things manly and dodgy sees that there is an old structure, which looks like it was once used to tie horses on, similar to a fence right? So he stares at the structure, turns to his mates and sez �Easy�. Mr T�s mates nod in silence because they know that T iz the man. He gives himself a five-metre run up, because only girls and show tunes require a 10-metre run up. He doesn�t need to sike himself up because �the man� has no need for such petty ego stroking; he is the mere endowment of man. Mr T takes the sprint, leaps off one foot, like a professional, he nips his foot on the top beam and topples over; landing tale up with a thud and a sound that can only be described as 10-year-old sheets ripping. A delectable rip that Calvin Klein would be proud of. Mr T now feeling a rather nasty draft, stands up, apparently shaken by the trip, checks that his family jewels are intact, and runs his hands around to his rear where he can now feel his CK�s. Man bonding laughter fills the orchard for many hours. When Mr T returns home to his beautiful and caring girlfriend with his t-shirt tied strategically around his waist and bare chested, he does not speak, he goes directly to the bedroom, gets changed, and throws the busted pants in the trash, OUTSIDE. What I have learnt from this scenario � TWO THINGS 1. FENCING IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. 2. ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWARE. Scenario Seven: City folk are all shet Ah, yes the country. A place not for the faint hearted, and certainly not for unexperienced city dwellers who are use to their algrande size coffees with a shot of vanilla. Wotfer was on holiday with her extended family in the country, staying in a farmhouse house that overlooked the fine countryside, and the picturesque bay on the east coast of the north island of New Zealand. The visitors arrived late one cool afternoon, to the gently breeze of the wind sweeping over the paddocks overgrown grass. As they ascended the windy and trioecious road Wotfer notices a small building at the bottom of the paddock, then to her amazement she also notices a very fine looking sharemilker hosing down the concrete slab and ushering the dogs to take the cows back out into the paddocks. Seems the country view was not as bad as expected, not too shabby at all. The sharemilker waves and then disappears as the visitors round a very tight bend to the main house. A very round and cheery faced man and his slender and kind wife greet them as the exit the car. After a meal of home baked bread and roast beef the entourage settle down to discuss every topic from the importance of irrigation on the farm to the sharemilkers who work on the station. This topic intrigues Wotfer, and she asks her hospitable host more on the topic. The end of the evening came with a promise by the host that he would ring down to the sharemilkers quarters and inform them that the were to have another �hand� the following morning, that they could pick up the following morning at 4:00am The host gave her a quick brief on what exactly the sharemilker job entailed and then set about showing his visitors to their rooms. Wotfer woke in the morning to the screeching of the alarm going off, so loud that it vibrated the side table draw with it�s bellowing. She slowly turned on the light to view the time, 4 FRICKEN AM! She could feel her body ache at the prospect at being active at this time of the morning, without the influence of either alcohol or the loud booming of the music at the clubs in the city. Very strange feeling indeed. She rolls out of bed, goes directly to her suitcase pulls out her favourite Levi�s that she has deemed, Lucky, and the nice tight t-shirt that has �babe doll� smack bang in the middle of it, and stumbles half asleep to the bathroom to clean up. On the way down the hallway she checks out her butt in the full length mirror, hums in agreement in how good the view is, then makes her way to the front door to await, who she hopes is the cute sharemilker. She opens the door and stands shivering, underestimating at how cold it has become, and notices a dark and large figure coming towards her from the bottom of the driveway. As the figure looms near she notices that it is the fine young man that she had seen the previous afternoon in the milking shed. Richard greets her warmly, eyes her choice of attire, smiles and sez �I have a spare coat in the back of the truck, you can use that if your cold.� Wotfer and Richard arrive at the shed to the greetings of 3 other workers of no apparent significance. Wotfer full of inquisitive energy walks towards the workers who are now sticking suction cups on the cows in the stalls, to talk to them, making the mistake of walking behind a rogue cow that had strayed. To her astonishment the cow then proceeded to go �potty,� and before she is able to get out of the way, her now unlucky jeans get covered in cow pooh. Richard then sez to Wotfer �Oh yeah you don�t wanna be walking behind em.� Wotfer then wipes off the excess with one swipe of her hand, and then walks towards the hose she see running on the ground beside the steel bar fence. For the rest of the morning she spent her time sitting on the railing watching and talking to the workers. Away from the cows. What I have learnt from this scenario � POOP IS A COW Scenario Eight: Age of innocence Pimp was always giving people grief about stuff, and this particular was not exception. Water tabloids was in a public location just within walking distance of the school and was usually an all day event filled with water sports the teachers would make up 3 moths prior to summer. Pimps class was walking back from water tabloids and as usual Pimp feels the need to make comments on the days escapades at the public pools. Comments such as �Oh I know I�m good at water polo, and you suck shit at it.� As the entire class make their way towards the semicircular loading bay at the front entrance of the school, they notice a car that is parked inconveniently in the path of the group, forcing them to walk around the drivers side of the vehicle, to get into the schools gate. Pimp notices that the car in question is his family car, and as he nears the vehicle, notices that his mother is in the drivers seat perched quite high in her seat. As the two strategic lines of classmates pass the vehicle, sniggers fill the ranks like the effects of dominos falling in sync, as one by one the classmates pass the car. Pimp wondering what the hell is going on finds himself holding his breath in anticipation of what his fellow classmates are laughing at. He gets within viewing distance of his mother and notices that she is perched high in her seat, chin in the rear view vision mirror popping her pimples without so much as a flicker of acknowledgement at the people laughing at her. A rather loud voice booms out from the middle of the class �Pimp is that your mother?� Pimp ties to walk on the other side of his friend, so his mother won�t see him, and gets shafted when his mother spots him and then says �Hello darling, I�m here to pick you up, then we can go for ice-cream� Gob smacked and embarrassed he sez a quick �Okay then� and walks fast wanting to die a slow death by lethal injection. What I have learnt from this scenario: POPPING CAN CAUSE SEVER (MENTAL) SCARING. Scenario Nine: Light my fire Yee who lackith in social skills was at an arcade taking a much needed weekend leave from school. Just chillin with her mates. This was quite normal but this was to be one of Lackiths �moments in history� that she would rather forget. Lackith walks in the door proud that she was able to swindle/bribe/coax/mind fuck the shop assistant into selling her a packet of smokes, being under the age limit and all. As she walks in the front double doors, she notices a fine young man she had met on a previous outing. She walks up to the young man who we shall call �Wayne.� He walks toward her and coyly asks her if she has a �light� for his smoke, she pulls out the lighter and lights his smoke for him. He looks up from the smoke to stare straight into Lackith�s eyes, mesmerised she looses all feeling in her hands until Wayne breaks the stare to give out a painful �Shit�. Still holding the lighter, she comes back to earth too late to realise that in her starstruck state, that she has accidentally burnt Wayne�s finger with the lighter. What I have learnt from this scenario � 1. Lighters are dangerous 2. Laughing too hard makes you get a headache 3. Laughing on the ground whilst the person you are laughing at is within stomping distance is very dangerous. Scenario Ten: Smoking (Said like Jim Carey) Gala days at school were always a grand affair, parents showing up to help with the selling of perishable goods, and to see their girls interact on a social level with the public. BARF! Hot was anticipating going home when the gala started, but her ever-helpful father had promised the headmistress that he would lend a hand in one of the food stalls. HOT was in dire need of a cigarette for the unprovoked torture she had to endure by staying longer at school than expected. She sought comfort in the fact that her friends were suffering in silence with her, and had to remain at the boarding school a few hours more to attend to the stalls. Kelly, R, and Corina the smoking buddies of HOT were also in dire need of a quick ciggy to calm the nerves, so decided to plot on where and when they would �Go walkies.� Hot seeing that the head mistress and her staff were conveniently all in stalls, ushers her mates to leave their parents to their stalls, she then asks her father for the keys to the car so that she may go and check on it. The rather cold day takes a turn for the worst and it begins to rain, forcing the friends to walk to the shelter of the classrooms, where they would split up to not look so conspicuous, then regroup at the location specified. They meet in synchronicity at the back entrance where the family vehicle is parked, as Kelly rounds the corner she shimees round, with her back to the wall, like the original secret squirrel, looking back at the path she had taken, just to make sure that she was not followed. The friends laugh at Secret squirrel, then make hand gestures for her to hurry, they all get into the car. Rainer sticks the key in the ignition to the slight horror of Hot who is subjected to a VERY loud 70�s song bellowing like the taunts of primary school children. Hot sits in the back seat of her families� car, and then proceeds to light up a smoke. Due to the rain they decide to only open one window and even then only slightly Hots father leaves his stall to check on where his daughter has been for the last hour, By this time the car is full of smoke, and the windows are all fogged. Only when Hots dad is within 4 metres of the car does Rnotice him, by then it is too late. In a panic Hot hands Kelly her ciggy, sighting that she�s a good mate, and that HOTS father cannot ground her, Its not in the parents guidebook they hand out at parenting classes, to ground other peoples kids. IT�S JUST NOT DONE! Kelly freaks and drops the cigarette in a lame attempt to BUNT, the cigarette falls onto the car seat cover and burns a hole in it. Hot and Kelly quickly, but frantically try to extinguish the smouldering cigarette and succeed. Hots father opens front drivers door to the welcoming bellowing of a tone of smoke and smell of burnt car seat covers. Rbeing the ever virulent best friend welcomes hots� father with a chirpy �HEY MR A, Howz it goin?� Mr A rolls his eyes, and gives Hot the infamous �stare down.� They quickly exit the car and return to their stalls, where they spend the rest of the afternoon. Hot travelled back in the car with her father for 5 hours in utter silence. What I have learnt from this scenario: SILENCE IS GOLDEN Scenario Eleven: Full Moon After arriving to an uncles orchid Georgina and her boyfriend Dylan were asked to go and check on the workers in the nearby orchard, who would be on a lunch break. Not knowing the countryside one iota, and walking for 3 miles in the wrong direction they quickly get lost. Feeling a little anxious Georgina quickly adds that she needs to go �potty� and they turn around and walk back toward the direction they had come. As they pass yet another row of trees used as shelter belts Georgina realizes that she needs to go �potty� yesterday. Vile dickface Dylan, jack-of-all-trades and master of none, points and sez �Just go by the tree to take a piss, no one is around�. Being that desperate Georgina took a quick look around before running to the nearby trees. Dylan noticing Georgina�s aunts familiar posterior in the crowd of people through the trees behind her, thinks it would be rather funny to not warn her of the approaching crowd. Hearing an �OI� through the trees behind her, followed by sniggers, startles Georgina and she quickly pulls up her trackies. Dylan spends the following 2 weeks after their departure from the countryside holding his rather sore blue balls. What I have learnt from this scenario: Full moons are not quite the phenomenon I had once thought Scenario Twelve: Homebrew Shaz and Neo were forced to attend a local gala while on camp with their college. Not too happy about leaving their beachside cabin in favour of the inland gala they reluctantly jump into the schools bus. At the gala, while everyone was bothering themselves with the tug of war, horizontal bungee jumping, talent quest and coconut throwing *yawn* they decided that would go and check out the home brew competition. Being underage they waited for the DJ of the gala who was blocking the entrance, to be distracted before they snaked past him. Looking around they both notice the 40 or so numbered stands with bottles of beer on them, they turn to look at each other in amazement then proceed to taste every bottle of beer in the room. Picking up beer number 4, Shaz being the beer connoisseur then proceeds to lick her lips before saying �Hmmm slight woody aftertaste with hints of HELL NAH, NEXT!�. They continue���� Shaz and Neo exit the makeshift brewery, a little tiddly, to the DJ eyeballing them in disbelief. Shaz being the ever so charming one then thumps her chest and belches before saying to the DJ �Number 15 is a winner there skipper�. What I have learnt from this scenario: Beer can be a source of amusement when bored Warm beer sucks Scenario Thirteen: Pissed Disclaimer: NOT ME!!!! It was funny at the time and still has me in stitches, probably because Richard is an exboyfriend of mine. My response to him telling me this story was (1) Laughter of course (2) Shouting �SCORE� Twas a breezy morning in summer, school had been out for 3 weeks, only one more week until school begins, PANIC! Richard arose to the bedcovers being pulled from under him to the unmistakable voice of his mother. He sat up in a dizzy haze to his mother informing him that they (his father and herself) were going to leave very shortly and that they would not be back for a week. By the time he was wide-awake he could hear the engine of his parent�s car in the driveway. He went towards the front door just in time to catch his mother scream from the moving car �No parties in the house, we will see you in a week�. As Richard stood and watched his parents leave the driveway and eventually disappear from sight he thought to himself, she didn�t say not to have a party in the garage, just the house, BIG DIFFERENCE! Richard returned to the house to call his best friend �the tank�. The tank was there within the hour and started on the dubious task of calling mates and informing them that there would be a party at Richards house. It was 7pm by the time people started to arrive and by 11pm the scene was packed full of people and even in the driveway talking and drinking. Hoping he would see Daisy the fine lil piece of a** that he had is eye on Richard and �the tank� were sitting on a table in the garage when Richard noticed Daisy at the side door bobbing her head to see over the masses of people who were standing. Glad to see the familiar smile that had become her trademark he motioned her to join him at a table, and offered her a drink. �The tank� being his normal and social self felt the need to display his manliness with a drinking game that he knew he could win. Richard not wanting to be showed up in front of his newly attentive friend Daisy took the tank up on his offer with a rather zealous �Bring it on�. Chug! Chug! Chug! Was the only thing Richard remembered about the drinking competition and that him and Daisy had lost a lot. Four hours later and as the night progressed and beer flowed Richard felt the need for relief of the urinary kind. Winking at Daisy before slowly staggering to his feet he made his way to the side door and toward the back of the garage. In the pitch-black darkness behind the garage as he leaned his head against it to balance himself, he felt tiny female arms wrap around his waist, as his undid his fly to take a pee. Slowly and in an almost comatose drunken state turning his shoulders and dipping his head to the light whispers of Daisy. Telling Daisy to hold on so that he could take a piss, he felt her arms drop from their embrace around his waist. Undoing the rest of his fly he peed against the garage, then turned around to try and find Daisy in the darkness while still taking a piss. Thinking she had gone into the garage he walked toward the light and the side door not noticing her in the faces he passed. Returning to the table and inquiring after daisy was only met with shrugged shoulders as to her whereabouts. Still in a drunken haze the tank shouted, �She�s gone home�. In the morning Richard peered out his bedroom window to the aftermath of the party with bottles strewn all over the backyard and all on the fence. �The tank� appeared from the spare bedroom and Richard immediately inquired after Daisy since he couldn�t remember where she has disappeared to the previous night. The tank knowing that Daisy had left earlier that morning, replied �I don�t know why you are after that one, I had to carry her to the couch in the lounge after I found her passed out behind the garage smelling like piss�. What I have learnt from this scenario: Be careful where you get pissed. Scenario Fourteen: Pissing off Sharks Eleanor and her newly married husband don decided to take a holiday at the beach with his favourite aunts. It was Eleanor�s first time meeting the pair since her wedding 4 months previously, and wanting to make a good impression; she was at her attentive best and willing to please The aunts knowing the area like the back of their hands also knew the areas pitfalls and decided to sit the couple down and educated them on the dangers, specifically the sharks in the bay. That night before bed the aunts were talking on the porch watching ships passing in the distance, when Eleanor and don decided to join them. They walked in on a conversation the aunts were having about the area pitfalls, but specifically the sharks in the bay. Reminiscing, the aunts told of how when they were in their teens and were told to gather shellfish, and of how they were always told to pee in the water as this would usually repel sharks. They all retire early. In the morning family started arriving in droves for the yet another smitt family gathering. As the family congregated around the front of the house drinking tea and catching up only then do they decided to go down to the bay to collect shellfish for dinner. Eleanor not wanting to be left out pipes up �I�ll go now and meet you down at the bay, honey� and with a spring in her step proceeds to go down to the bay with the others. Don, wanting to spend some time with his two favourite aunts decides to escort them to the edge of the bay near the shellfish area himself behind the crowd. Eleanor talks and chats with her newly found family of many things in general enjoying their company. They remove their shoes and wade into the water with their shellfish bags. Eleanor seeing the familiar faces of her husbands favourite aunts and feeling quite exuberated grabs her kite full of shellfish and runs from the water shouting, �I peed my pants�. Eleanor�s husband takes one quick glance at his aunts and shakes his head. His aunts just nod and smile. What I have learnt from this scenario: This is the only time that it is okay to piss your pants Scenario Fifteen: Riding Janet and Jane feeling quite bored with the stalls at another schools gala decided to go and find the �action�. Following the signs that say �this way to the farm bike rides� they skip merrily toward the rear field to find the farm bike. Janet coyly eyed up the man who was issuing the tickets, was given a quick rundown on the bikes gears and throttle, told that there were only 2 allowed on a bike, twice around the course, and the cost. Janet took charge and sat in the drivers seat while Jane positioned herself on the rack at the back. Thinking it would be nice to ditch the marked course, she changed into top gear and shot off toward the end of the course. Underestimating the power of the throttle and the bikes engine Janet with Jane hanging on for dear life veer off to much to the right and slam into the rather flimsy fence, trundle downhill through scrub before hitting a tree. Lucy staring in disbelief ran to see if her pals were okay, as did the ticket man and the large crowd awaiting their turn on the bike. Glairing over the ledge she noticed that Janet is now hunched over the handlebars while Jane was merrily sitting on the seat, both laughing. Picture the owner of the bike (17 year old senior from the school in question) gasping as he assessed the damage to the front of his favourite bike. What I have learnt from this scenario � Janet now has a licence and two cars be afraid be very afrai |
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| SNITCH |
| It all began 12 months ago when I was struck down with the flu. I decided to write of things, not good things but write I did. This will be my "things that made me laugh corner". |