I want to say thank you to everyone that has sent their prayers and support. It really is a blessing to me and it means the world to me.
Thanks again for visiting.
I thought I was doing pretty good considering but after last night I'm not so sure. I kinda lost it on dh and our roommate. I know alot of it is just stress. Stress over losing mom, afraid I will lose my stepdad, and as is for most families specailly after the holidays wondering when the next paycheck is gonna come in and which bills it will cover. With the exception of talking about losing her Mom was the one I went to to get this stuff off my chest. Now its hard for me to go to anyone else. I'm to afraid they will either think me selfish, that I'm asking for money, or that I don't appreciate all that my dh does for us. I know that someday I will find that person that I can confide in and not have to worry about what they are thinking. But right now that is not the case. Everything will work out they way it is supposed to eventually except for the fixing of my broken heart and as dh reminds me that will only take time. And I have to grieve the only way I know how and that is to take it one day at a time doing what I need to to move one.
Dad came by Sunday for a haircut. It was good to see him and he seemed to be doing well. I know its hard as hell on him right now as Mom was his life. I just wish there was some way I could fix this for him and I know I can't. He brought over one of the two plants of Mom's that I wanted. Most of her plants have been suffering something fierce with her being sick. I did what I could to help keep them watered but since I havent been over there for a few weeks they are not to happy. The one he brought me is a dutchmens pipe. I love the plant and was sooooo excited when Mom bought it. Unfortunatly I'm not sure if I can save the guy. He is pretty wilted and dry. Gonna do what I can though.
We also decided to take Mom's bird. Dad doesnt have the time for him plus he (the bird) was pretty much Mom's bird only and tries to bite Dad when he feeds him. I'm hoping that with time and maybe get someone in here to help retrain him he will be ok. Either way I feel I'm doing what Mom wouldve wanted. She always told me that this bird was Lil R if anything should happen to her. Mica was born around the same time Lil R was and for some reason when Lil R was a baby the two of them just clicked... The service were are planing is tentativly (sp) set for the 18th. Just gonna do something small at my brothers house. Though they both believe in God they were not church goers (most of the family isn't ) and none of us feel Mom would have wanted someone that didn't know her speak of her. Besides Mom would rather we celebrate her life than her death. And that is what I intend to do. I'm working on getting some pics together to make a scrapbook of her for the boys so they can look at it and remember anytime they want to. I'm also gonna plant a memory garden for her when the weather gets a tad bit warmer. That and I figure out what the heck I'm doing :) I'm not much of a gardener and always turned to Mom for help with that. But I will make this work. It will be a way for me to get close to her because gardening was something that she enjoyed...Thats all for now. Thanks for visiting and all your support. I don't think I will keep this page this way for much longer. I feel the need to change it to more of a memory page for her than a way for me to voice my feelings. Just not sure when that change will happen. I'm sure in the next few weeks all depends on the time I have free to get on this computer. Anyway thanks again for all the prayers and support.
Im doing ok though. There are alot of things that play into that and though at this time I'm not really sure what they are I'm gratefull that I can be "ok". I don't know if it's cause I was expecting it, because I know she is no longer in any pain and suffering or if it's cause reality hasn't set in yet. I know she is gone but parts of me have a hard time believing it sometimes.
She was the greatest woman I've ever known and no one can replace her. But when I lost her I also lost my bestfriend and sometimes that is harder to deal with. I would tell her everything and always knew that I could call her at anytime for any reason. Christmas morning was the hardest for me. Christmas was always her favorite holiday and she always went all out for the family and really enjoyed getting those calls to hear what we got from our other families.
Well this year dh and our roommate went over board for me and got me a quad. It was a total surprise to me. I was sooooo excited yet soooooo sad cause I couldn't call her and tell her about it. Yeah I could call dad but that just isn't the same. And yesterday we all went riding (kids got new dirtbikes) and I couldn't call her and tell her how wonderful her grandsons did or that I did my first doughnut. Or that I have super sore shoulders but it was all worth it. I couldnt share that with anyone and get the joy out of it that I would've with her. That's when it hurts the most that she isn't there to share it with me. And all the things to come that she won't be there for.
I will make it through all this I have to, that is what she taught me. She also taught me that even though she is gone she is always with me and I just have to listen for her. Though I'm trying that now it's not working and I know it's just that I'm trying to hard. She will come to me soon so I won't be giving up anytime soon.
I want to say Thank you to everyone for their support and prayers. I know I say that everytime I post but I don't know that they know how much I appreciate it. Also to let you all know, we haven't finalized plans yet for a service. Mom wanted to be cremated and wouldn't want a "normal" service with someone talking of her that didn't even know her. We plan on doing something in a couple weeks at the house just not sure when. I will let you know as soon as I find out. For those of you that wish to send flowers we ask that you please make a donation in her name to either of these organizations. American Cancer Society or Suncoast Hopsice both of these organiaztions are an important part of our lives and without them not sure how well any of us would've made it through.
Im not sure yet if I will keep this going as a sort of journel for me or not. Right now I'm not sure of much. But this will be here for a little while if I choose not to keep it up. Again thank you for all the support and prayers.
That is all for now I will post more either later or tomorrow. Please enjoy your family this holiday season. And make sure that you let those you love know it because they might not be a mind reader.
My Mom is a wonderful woman. Not only has she been a wonderful Mother but also my best friend and to see her go through the things that she has breaks my heart.
10 years ago my Mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis as well as Fibromyalgia. Though she never gave into either of these they did take their toll at times. But Mom never let that get her down. She was always there for her family and friends. She stood by me as I went through the labor and birth of both of my sons even though it meant standing on her feet for hours, she never left my side. When she married my step dad (though I think of him as dad) she also took his 3 kids into her arms as if they were her own. And that wasn't the first time she had done that. Her 2nd husband had 5 kids and she did the same to them even after their dad and Mom were divorced she still loved them as her own.
About 2 years about Mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 Squamous Cell Sarcoma in the vaginal area. Though her doctors never thought she would beat the cancer let alone make it through the treatments she proved them wrong. She went into this battle with the saying that she was gonna "beat the b****" (you can fill that in :) ) And she did! The cancer was/is gone unfortunately the treatments ended up taking their toll on her worse than any of us thought. During her treatments she had chemotherapy as well as radiation treatments. One of her last radiation treatments was an internal treatment. Mom turned out to be highly sensitive to the treatments. Over the last year she has suffered from tissue necrosis from the radiation treatments. Though the doctors have tried to do everything they could they cant do anything more for her now. The necrosis has spread and continues to do so as far as I know.
On Thursday evening December 5th 2002 Mom was admitted to a local hospital with kidney failure. I say kidney because earlier in the year we found out that one of her kidneys had shriveled up and was no longer working. She had planned on getting that checked out more once the cancer was under control. She did get the kidney to work again for a very short time but it stopped again. The following Monday they started dialysis at Mom's request. She wanted to fight this as long as she could and she did. We let the treatments go on for about 2 wks and then as a family choose to stop them when they weren't working anymore and seemed to put her in more pain. She ended up getting fluid on the lungs and in turn got pneumonia. We decided to either get her moved home or to a local Hospice house where she could keep her dignity and be cared for with a little more privacy.
Dad got her moved to Hospice house Thursday December 19,2002 and after a couple days they got her comfortable. She is still fighting like a soldier at war and though we love her for her strength it also tears us up as a family to see her the way she is.
That brings us to the newest update.
