(Nightwish "the Angels fall first")

Reminiscence of a Murderess

Part One: "Brother's betrayer"

Logan gave me hope. When I heard that he had found Ben, my heart felt nothing but joy. I knew even then that it couldn't be Ben, not my brother, who had been the most innocent soul on this planet. By visiting the morgue I just confirmed my doubts: my brother was indeed very alive.

At first I believed that it was one of Lydecker's tricks to get him to show himself. But when I saw the body; the wounds, everything about him reminded me of that day long ago.

I still didn't want to believe that he could be guilty. I saw the kid he was when we had last met and tried to imagine him bring death to others. I couldn't do that.

It was when I saw him with my own eyes that I realized what he had become. But I believed that I could help him through it. I believed that I could do something; take him to safety perhaps. I was wrong. He showed me how the world I had thought that I had escaped was still inside me keeping its stronghold.

My hope was shattered. I couldn't be rejoined with my brother! I felt so angry at myself and Logan.

Logan wanted me to do something, to stop Ben. He couldn't understand that I was meant to protect him! Ben was my brother and it was my job to keep him safe! Conflict threw me from one side to the other and finally I decided that justice was below loyalty to my family. I vowed that I would bring him back alive and let Zack take him away.

My heart became heavy as stone. I couldn't show weakness, he was too strong. But I couldn't let him kill again either and the knowlidge that someone might find him before I did forced me to carry on.

There would be safety nowhere for him. I was his only hope.

We fought in the woods. I mocked everything that mattered to him, everything that I loved about him knowing that if I failed he would have a hold on me, because I was weak and his truth had always been the right one for me for I had always looked up to him.

I hurt him in my anger to protect myself. He fell, he couldn't escape. I ran to his side and held him. He was panicing and so scared of what they might do to him. He begged me to take his life, begged me to end it all. I feared that by letting him live I would also let his evil endure and make its way to me. I knew what he was capable of.

I broke his neck while he looked away. His head fell back while my fingers turned limb and heavy. I couldn't move. I felt like suffocating and tears came.

I ran from that place holding myself in shock. I had wanted to save him, but I didn't feel like that. I felt guilt that consumed me, whenever I had a moment to think.

I couldn't touch anyone anymore, because of him.

In my dreams he still looks like he's just sleeping. That is before his words come to me.

Part Two: "Filthy Murderess"

I raise my head to look into the priest's eyes with my own frightened ones that have solid security.

"I now know why he wanted me to kill him."

"Tell me."

I put my head down again in thought of the disgusting words I am about to spill out and confess. It sickens me, how far I've gone.

"He knew he had no hope left, but I... I had always been promising. I feared his influence more than anything, but he was smarter. He trusted in my fear for him and that is why he lured me into killing him. He knew that I would..."

"You would what?"

"Like it."

During the weeks that passed from that day I cried and I thought about him. I knew he was right and I wanted to claw my heart from my chest to prove him wrong. The only reason why I was able to survive the first time was because I left everything behind and burried the horrors deep inside me like a second face that would never be shown to anyone.

Now he had dug up that face and as much as I wanted to deny everything, it was a lie I lived.

I felt as if though he was taking over me. His ghost came through to my dreams where his words seduced me. I remembered more things of my childhood I had forgotten. I was happiest with him of all. I sought out his company when I was sad or my head pressed down by worries.

I loved Ben, but it was after I had killed him that I began to wonder what was my love for him?

Devotion for him had made me go against everything I believed in.

I went to the forest many times and visioned our battle hoping that it had ended in another way. In my dreams I killed him over and over again. And after he had become limb I would kiss his lips and laugh for the release that killing him gave me was beyond any other ecstasy.

I was becoming his image. I was hating myself and Logan. You see I blaimed Logan for all of what had happened.

The glances he threw at me had changed. So I went to investigate and found a folder. The folder contained pictures of me and Ben and the others after our first shared kill.

It was mine and Ben's above all. He made the first move and I made the second and afterwards he came to me during the night and together we climbed to the High Place.

Lydecker never said anything about that kill. We had surprised him - yes, but no psy-ops followed and there were no interrigations. Yet I could see him glare at Ben differently. Fearfully and still admiring. I believe Lydecker trusted in Ben. He must've thought that he had found his perfect soldier in Ben.

"Those are sinful and dangerous thoughts my child. To think of your own brother in such a disgusting and lustful way is simply godless."

"I didn't come to you to hear this! Can't you see what he has made me?! Can't you see this dilemma!?"

"The way you speak of a person that you have loved and cherished while he rests in the grave... have you no respect for the dead?!"

"I loved him. I really did. But I can't be him. I can't be his image. I can't."

"Aaaaah, Maxie. You shouldn't fight it so hard."

My head turns to meet with his face through the iron. He smiles like a devil to me and his hands lean to the iron as his fingers go through the holes.

"Here you sit crying your worries and nagging about how you're not worthy of me? Please Maxie, will you get over it?" he laughs and I lean back in horror. I have become weak again, his grip tightens around me.

"You see I gave you this gift because I love you. If you didn't live under constant denial of yourself, you wouldn't suffer so much." He explains and those hazel eyes turn hard in the dark.

"You're dead." I say and close my eyes hoping that the image will vanish. It never does.

Suddenly he's on my side of the confession chair and holding me. "Shhh Maxie..." he says petting my hair. "Its quite alright."

I don't try to struggle, the hold is too strong and I am too scared. I cry and he wipes the tears from my cheeks.

"I know-" he takes a breath. "- I was too hard on you before. But its O.K to lust me. Honestly, I don't mind. You can go to Manticore and perform necrophilia on my body all you want!" His laughter brings me down.

His head fell backwards and away from her weak fingers all limb. Her index finger touched the skin between his cheek and ear gently before she pulled her hands away.

She was shaking, looking around her to find someone she could ask forgiveness from. There was nobody in that green forest and its bright day. A tear wet her cheek and she cried. Her hands rose to her chest unable to change anything that had happened.

Suddenly she wasn't so sure that she'd done the right thing. She couldn't breathe and no matter how she tried the weight on her heart couldn't be lifted. Max opened her mouth the get some air, but she was haunted by him and his face.

You know what they'll do to me. They'll put me down there - with the Nomlies. Please?

It just made her cry harder. He'd been so afraid, she'd seen it in his eyes and that had made her do what he'd asked.

She was hollow - she'd killed her brother.

She was a murderess - she'd taken his life.

She was a betrayer - she'd abused his trust.

"Ben..." she whispered weakly looking down at his pale essence through a cloud of tears. The noise from the helicopter came closer. Max looked up and back down to him again. Her hands wrapped around his dead body.

She was gone before Lydecker arrived.

C'mon Maxie! Don't tell me you've forgotten that day. But you can't can you? And you wanna know why? Because it was the most accelerating day of your life. For one brief moment you were what you were meant to be. A predator. What's the matter Maxie? Are you afraid to remember? C'mon Maxie! Don't tell me you've forgotten that day.

- Believe me I've tried.

But you can't can you? And you wanna know why? Because it was the most accelerating day of your life. For one brief moment you were what you were meant to be. A predator. What's the matter Maxie? Are you afraid to remember?

- I don't wanna remember.

Because that scares you? I think we scared Lydecker that day.

Don't tell me you don't wake up with the sound of your heart pounding in your ears.

- Shut up!

Or the taste of blood in your mouth?

- Shut up!

You're like a wolf in sheep's clothing Max. You're hiding your intincts. Every minute of every day is that no one will never know who you really are. A soldier. A hunter. A killer.

- Shut up!!!

See? What'd I tell you?

- You're the Nomlie.

No.

- The genetic mistake. The monster in the baasement.

His head fell backwards and away from her weak fingers all limb. Her index finger touched the skin between his cheek and ear gently before she pulled her hands away.

She was shaking, looking around her to find someone she could ask forgiveness from. There was nobody in that green forest and its bright day. A tear wet her cheek and she cried. Her hands rose to her chest unable to change anything that had happened.

Suddenly she wasn't so sure that she'd done the right thing. She couldn't breathe and no matter how she tried the weight on her heart couldn't be lifted. Max opened her mouth the get some air, but she was haunted by him and his face.

You know what they'll do to me. They'll put me down there - with the Nomlies. Please?

It just made her cry harder. He'd been so afraid, she'd seen it in his eyes and that had made her do what he'd asked.

She was hollow - she'd killed her brother.

She was a murderess - she'd taken his life.

She was a betrayer - she'd abused his trust.

"Ben..." she whispered weakly looking down at his pale essence through a cloud of tears. The noise from the helicopter came closer. Max looked up and back down to him again. Her hands wrapped around his dead body.

She was gone before Lydecker arrived.