DEEP THOUGHTS...By Jack Handey

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until noone is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell,"Log o' Fire! Log o' Fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are chihuahuas with some pretty good ideas.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear.