Some simple guidelines for dating guys like Jonathan:
1. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
2. Butthead is the smart one.
3. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
4. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
5. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." I quote the great Billy Joel when he sang, "Leave a tender moment alone".
6. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, repairing misc. items.
7. Socks never constitute a gift.
8. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby. This is INTENTIONAL. If you must have him with you in order to make these decisions, please help him find a place to
sit down. Believe me,
if you do so you will find him
MUCH
more willing to go shopping with you in the future.
9. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
10. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
11. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
12. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good
sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
13. Curley is the bald one.
14. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
15. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
16. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together..
17. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.
18. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome, as is a generous amount of post-coital cuddling and conversation. Over two hours is not considered to be a "generous" amount.
19. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game or concert are even better.
20. No, you can't have the remote control.
21. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone.
Just because we may fantisize about women in lingerie does not mean we like standing around in a store where it is sold where every female who crosses our path looks at us like we are some kind of sicko. Plus all the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
22. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from at least one of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
23. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25. Shopping is not fascinating.
26. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking jerks.
27. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. Please don't ask us to explain the significance of said actions.
28. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and only runs an hour. It can wait.
29. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
30. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
31. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
32. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
33. He heard you the first time.
34. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
35. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
36. Of COURSE he wants another drink.
37. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
38. Dogs good. Cats bad.
39. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
40. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Blade Runner".
41. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
42. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by
suggesting he stop for directions. If he is truly lost, the male ego will finally crumble in on itself. This is not your cue to say. "I told you so."
43. Godzilla is the lizard. King Kong is the ape.
44. He was not looking at that other girl.
45. Well, okay... maybe a little.
46. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you
never looked at another guy...
47. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "sports"
48. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.(This is your cue to do what we call "creative manipulation of the truth")
49. And all your friends think so too. (see rule 48)
50. We will try to fix it ourselves first.
51. We will probably screw it up even worse in the process.
52. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
53. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
54. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
55. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
56. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
57. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells
fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you
intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this
manner.
58. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier
than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is
better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
59. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of
them all. (see rule 48)
60. His (fill in appropriate selections:) thinning hair/compulsive nail biting/nervous tick, is cute. (ibid 48)
61. Soccer is played on grass. Hockey is played on ice.
62. Don't hog the covers.
63. He does not just want to be friends.
64. Star Trek has the Enterprise and the Klingons. Star Wars has Jedi and the Millenium Falcon. There IS a difference.
65. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours
doesn't mean it's worse.
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