Can I convince you of your great importance?
You are the captain of your personal ship, the
guide to your greatest dream. See yourself the way
you want to be. See yourself as a giver and a receiver.
Look for ways to be wiser and not sorry. Find the
path to happiness that is your spirit. Too few have
heard their own praises lauded. No one thinks to tell
you how much you mean to them. Remember, you
have to be kind to yourself so that you can be kind
to others. If you have to go back to childhood to
recall being loved, do so. Think how wonderful it
was to share in something called love and kindness.
If it was not there, then put it there in your heart.
Never tell yourself you are not worthy, because you
are more worthy than you will ever know. No one
was put on this earth by accident, but for a purpose.
Find that purpose and be who you want to be.
Joyce Sequichie Hifler
A Few Good Quotations
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed,
but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good
ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
(Mark Twain)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then
she stops to breathe.
(Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
(Jilly Cooper)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
(Alex Levine)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying.
(Ed Furgol)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.
(Mark Twain)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age.
(Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
(Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her.
(W.C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful
and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . .
(Woody Allen)
If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans.
(Woody Allen)
Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have
others."
(Groucho Marx)
I love you not just because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
Never frown, even
when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Don't waste your time on any person, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they
hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people
are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Funny Sayings
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Adult child of alien invaders.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
Signs:
Friends don't
let friends
take home ugly men.
Women's restroom
Beauty is only a
light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a
waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Remember, it's
not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Fighting for
peace is like
screwing for virginity.
No matter how
good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's restroom
At the feast of
ego
everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to
make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus
Make love, not
war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
If voting could
really change things,
it would be illegal.
If pro is
opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals in a
restaraunt
You're too good
for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
No wonder you
always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
A Woman's Rule
of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
"There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?"