funny stories

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb can of coffee
and a 1 lb package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

TRAINED FROG
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give oral $ex." "Oral $ex?" the woman exclaimed. "I haven't witnessed it myself, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman was skeptical, but thought it would be a great gag gift, so she bought the frog. When she explained the frog's ability to her husband, he was even more skeptical than his wife and laughed it off. In the middle of the night, the woman was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making deafening sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to discover her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted
to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

A husband and wife are on a road trip. They decide to stop at a hotel. They take a room and when they check out, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But, sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded, rural area. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" So Grandpa shouted, "Cold Water, get out of the way!"

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Señor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what?" the tourist exclaimed. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," said the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway. He found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, señor," agreed the waiter. "You see, the bull, he does not always lose."

Bob knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said Bob. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip $20, as an initiation fee, through the mail slot," answered the voice. Bob put the money in the mail slot, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed Bob, "I want to get screwed!" "What," said the female voice, "again?"

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make progress with any of the girls, so he heads over to the guard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him. "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy swim trunks that make you look like an old geezer. Grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato inside. I'm telling you, man, you'll have all the babes you want!" The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his new Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's even worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So, Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?" "Dude!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but for some reason the tomatoes won't ripen. So, she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark, go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." The woman figures it can't hurt, so she does it. The next day, her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."

Uses of Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks
the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So
he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her
parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

Human Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP...

  BUMP...

  BUMP ... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home,   the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him ....

  faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP....

BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

   clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...   on the heels of the terrified man....

   Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.      His
heart is pounding;   his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps.

       ..
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.

  Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something,

  anything ....

  but all he can find,    is a bottle of cough syrup!

  Desperately, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ....

    and .....

the coffin stops

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line sees this and says, "I want to be beautiful, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line
starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed
the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate
embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car
go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you
save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look
on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story about the car going into the
woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back
seat. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
was in the Army."

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "no thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a
whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".

NOT-SO-DESERTED ISLAND!

Whitey finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," Whitey says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Whitey. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Whitey is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Whitey looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Whitey goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean----", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

A True Believer:

A fellow had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years.

He lit a signal every night for 10 years but no one saw it and no one came
to rescue him. Finally a passing boat did notice the signal and sent an officer and men in a small boat to investigate.

The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued.

The boat captain ask "If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?

He answered " The first hut is my home. The second hut is where I go to church and the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches.

Subject: Math

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these! . That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not.

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Move Over, Border Collie…

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He
took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One
day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and
before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.
So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep
trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was
about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are
any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of terror came over him, and
slinked away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he went.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be
up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard,
spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with
the leopard.

The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and
said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to
do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back
to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet…
and just when they got close enough to hear, the
dachshund said,

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour
ago to bring me another leopard."

A frustrated mother sneaks off to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivers some grave news"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself for the worst. Your teenager will die a violent and horrible death very soon." Visibly shaken, the mother stares at the Fortune Teller's lined face, then at the flickering candle, then down at her hands. Her stare meets the fortune teller's gaze. She steadies her voice, and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

80 year old daddy An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The old man says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute...and says, " I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside a stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went: "Bang, bang!" and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

The Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" the atheist said to himself.

As he walked alongside a river, the bushes began to rustle behind him.
When he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge toward him.

The atheist ran as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing.
He ran even faster filled with fear.
He looked over his shoulder again. The bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically. He tried to run even faster
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over and tried to pick himself up.

The bear was now on top of him.
The bear's paws were outstretched, ready to grab him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone down upon the man, a voice came from heaven,
"You deny my existence. You teach others I don't exist.
You credit my creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you now? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said,
"It would be hypocritical to ask me to be a Christian after all these years,
but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear brought his paws together, bowed his head, and spoke,
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."