The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband or boyfriend.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Oh Yes...How Sweet it is!!
 
 
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.
 
2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
 
3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
 
4. Only in America.......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
 
5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
 
6. Only in America.......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.
 
7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
 
8. Only in America.......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
 
9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
 
10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
 
 
EVER WONDER....
 
Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
 
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?
 
Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?
 
Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?
 

OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing
of a beloved old friend by the name of
Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered
as having cultivated such value lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense
lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)
and reliable parenting strategies
(adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate
when well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

It declined even further
when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents
when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally,
Common sense lost the will to live
as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost
after a woman failed to realize
 that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap,
and was awarded a huge settlement

Common Sense
was preceded in death
by his parents, Truth and Trust,
his wife, Discretion;
his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers;
My Rights and Ima Whiner.
 Not many attended his funeral
 because so few realized he was gone.
If you still know him pass this on,
 if not join the majority and do nothing

New Improved Product Makes Toilet Paper and Bidets Obsolete!
 

.....and it also makes MEN obsolete, Ladies !!!

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on
and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
High school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her
children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda
Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood
subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The
Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg
to differ!! You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
 

 The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether
you are qualified to be a "professional."








Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.  But
don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?" Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend...
except one .. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just
put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests
whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong,  but many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson
Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.
 

Ordering Pizza in 2008


 Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?"

 Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

 Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

 Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

 Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"

 Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

 Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

 Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas."

 Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

 Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

 Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider
won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

 Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

 Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

 Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

 Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. Your total is $49.99."

 Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

 Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit."

 Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"

 Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

 Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?"

 Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.

 Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

 Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

 Customer: (Speechless)

 Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

 Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

 Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"
 

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, to understand a man
Love, to forgive him and
Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord,
if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

In Honor of Stupid People

 In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
 stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

 On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
   (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

 On a bag of Fritos:
 You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
 Details inside.
   (the shoplifter special)?

 On a bar of Dial soap:
 "Directions: Use like regular soap."
   (and that would be how???....)

 On some Swanson frozen dinners:
 "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
   (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

 On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
 Don 't turn upside down."
   (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

 On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
 "Product will be hot after heating."
   (...and you thought????...)

 On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
 "Do not iron clothes on body."
   (but wouldn't this save me more time.)

 On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
 "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
 (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could
 just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 On Nytol Sleep Aid:
 "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
   (and...I'm taking this because???....)

 On most brands of Christmas lights:
 "For indoor or outdoor use only."
   (as opposed to...what)?

 On a Japanese food processor:
 "Not to be used for the other use."
   (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

 On Sainsbury's peanuts:
 "Warning: contains nuts."
   (talk about a news flash)

 On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
 "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
   (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

 On a child's superman costume:
 "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
   ( I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

 On a Swedish chainsaw:
 "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

"Tootsie Fact:
One Hungarian ghostbuster claims that you can catch a
ghost in a jar with a Tootsie Roll. He insists that
ghosts cannot resist Tootsie Rolls. A lit candle must
be placed in the jar with an unwrapped Tootsie Roll.
The ghost will enter the jar and then you just put the
lid on. The ghost will remain in the jar until the jar
is opened or broken."

She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband walks in from being out all night, she jumps out from behind the sofa and screams. He says, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister."

Thought of the Day

Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where you get shitty ideas from......

Seven Degrees of a Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
 "Is it mine?"
 

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
 

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
 I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
 

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of
male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is
in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is
attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. And if she is menstruating,
she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his
temple and a bat jammed up
his butt while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected 

When you have a "I hate my job" day, try this.... On
your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go
to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase
a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be
very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed during your
therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as
a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the
package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it
on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes
with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
tested". Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five
times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control
at the Johnson and Johnson Company." Have a nice day,
and remember... there is always someone with a worse
job than yours.