#29: When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
#409: When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours, we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.
#271: I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.
#245: I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that he was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw him again.
#8: I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
#451: I think the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was not eating all of that guy's pie instead of just half of it, because he was in the restroom for at least another two or three minutes.
#219: Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
#180: Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
#182: If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
#156: If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
#186: You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
#116: I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
#256: I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties
#278: It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
#27: I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
#164: I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
#308: If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
#9: Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
#333: It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.
#412: There's always been a good explanation for everything. When that owl attacked Grandma and started biting her head, at first it didn't make any sense. Why would an owl attack Grandma? But then we found out later: a mouse was living in her hairdo.
#22: In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
#43: Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
#339: When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.