funny

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full
potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take
this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever
comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse
can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and
clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you
leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then
lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

Confidence is the key to many doors, and I can't enter many rooms.

What you have just said, is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may
God have mercy on your soul.

Exercise is a dirty word. Everytime I hear it I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I could give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

It's only funny until someone gets hurt-then it's hilarious!

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

You sound reasonable....time to up my medication.

Life sucks, and then you die. Have a nice day!

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.