Bondage or Freedom?
It's not just a fascination. Since the beginning, it has always been a comforting and safe association to be cradled in the arms of affection. Whether in the embrace of a lover or a friend, security, peace, and tranquility are endulged. I grew to find this, not in others but in myself, with bondage. Akin to my mummifaction tendency with my blankets when I sleep, there is sanctuary for me in restrictive bondage. Here I'm free of the burdens of society, other's perceptions of me, and the restraint of reality. Here is where I can just exist. Here is where I delve into the depths of my own mind, my own world to soar, dream, and explore. I'm free of judgement, fear, and pain. I am truly free.
4/2/04
Zen
It has been approaching for a long time. For years I've been studying and practicing my meditation in order to find relief from my severe sinus allergies. After about 2 years, I was able to influence my sinuses to the extent of repression. Diligent practice and self-motivation drove me to the extreme: extreme internal biological influence. I've been able to almost completely supress my sinus allergies for about a year and a half now. But this kind of intense meditation came with many side-effects. Many of these I feared, only because I didn't know how I would deal with them. Funny how fear of the unknown will lead us to run and hide for security... I embraced these new found effects as gifts. They have given me a tremendous amount of insight into others and reflection of myself. This is truly a beautiful gift. Many people I've met have it, to different extents, but have not refined it. It makes it easy (and intense) to "connect" with these people. Empathy. This is not mind-reading, but mood-feeling. There are other effects too: manifesting physical pain, dissipating physical pain, shutting down senses, hyperfocusing senses, influencing hormone levels, heartbeat, body temp, and even biological reactions (physical allergies). There is a certain amount of "lucidity and focus" needed to be able to do many of these things. I've pushed this influence to include suppressing my body severe allergic reaction to certain fruits, at times, and have been able to drink cranberry and even eat apple. (I haven't had the taste of baked apple turnovers for many, many years. I forgot how good it tastes.) And yet all of these things pale in comparison to what I have just recently achieved. After many months of preperation, I decided that I was ready to take the next step in freeing my mind. I removed many subconscious boundaries in my mind. This was terrifying, enlightening, painful, inspiring, wonderful, cleansing, and many other things. I gained incredible understanding, not only of people but of matter as well. I can feel energy coming from mass and instictually feel how it interacts and projects much of it's energy. We, as living organisms, do this incredibly. We inherently polarize our bodies to project electomagnetic wavelengths that are not only tuned, but sometimes very focused. It is in this "zone" that we are in tune with one another. When we are perfectly in tune with one another (usually just for moments at a time), we can recieve the energy that is projected from someone else (almost consciously). This is a harmonizing of energy. I understand so much now. But much of the world isn't ready to see and accept this yet. We have been conditioned to close our minds for self-preservation. Is this one thing that helps feed our fear of love? It has been for me for much too long. Now I'm rid of that wall. Now my mind is free. Now I'm not afraid to feel and understand. Now I can close my eyes, open my mind, and see the light that eminates from everyone and everything. And it is a beautiful splendor!
Okay. After encapturing my mind all day, I'm desperate to know: Who sent the gift that I recieved today at about noon?
4/14/04
Well, whoever it was, "Thank you..."
4/29/04
The first round tournament competition was grueling. We didn't finish until 1 a.m., but we won!! Everyone on our team is hungry for a trophy. Hopefully, this will prove to motivate everyone on Monday night to win and go into the final round!!!! But I will have to prove it at 7:30 when I face off with my long time rival.....