I don't understand all this hate and pain inside of me as of late. The smallest things upset me and really its all pretty stupid. I just can't seem to understand where it is all coming from. All this hate and rage within me. Sometimes I feel like I�m going to explode and that�s the end of it. I even scare myself sometimes. I tense up and my body shakes for no good reason other than something stupid has set me off. This just isn't normal. Normal people don't just want to cry and scream at the top of their lungs all the time for no apparent reason. Normal people don't act and react the way I do. I'm a freak, I believe that now more than ever. Like right now for example. I'm all upset over nothing really and I just want to scream and cry and break something, anything. But then there is something inside of me that just says no, don't do it. It�s not worth it. So I sit here and feel hate and anger and pain and have no where to release it. Hell I don't even really know why I�m so angry today. Lack of sleep? Not eating right? Or maybe it was the pricks at Wal-Mart who wasted MY FUCKING time today (an hour of it to be exact) for NOTHING. Absolutely fucking nothing. Stupid fucks obviously never looked at the damn application otherwise they would have realized I couldn't work anything but day shift and no weekends because of my children. But NO they didn't even bother to look until AFTER I filled out a shit load of goddamn paper work. Like I do that shit for my own personal enjoyment or something. Only to tell me oh no we don't hire for days, we only hire for nights and weekends. Well fuck you very much for wasting an hour of my time that could have been better spent looking for a place that WOULD give me the hours I need to survive properly. But god forbid anything happen to me that may benefit me in some way shape or form. Ok so yeah I�m angry about that a bit, but it still doesn't explain why I want to punch the wall until my hands bleed. It still doesn't explain why I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I mean after all it was just a god damn interview for a job I didn't get that might have helped me along my way here. Lets see what else here? Oh of course there is the soon to be ex-husband always razzing me about something or other. Or his stupid girlfriend making my life miserable. Ya know the ex and I started out with this divorce just fine until she decided to come along and take control. So now all we do is fight. However I did notice that we really only argue and he really only acts like a major dick when she is around him. But if she isn't there, its like we are best friends chit chatting on the phone and laughing. That is until she walks in then he's back to being super dick. Ok so that is a bit upsetting but not enough to warrant me to feel this uncontrollable urge to want to rip someone�s head off. But of course I'd never do that. I'm here and I honestly believe my only purpose on this world is to fix everything for everyone else. I come last. Always have and probably always will. Ok so there is another piece of the puzzle solved maybe. Like I said though its still not enough make me feel as angry as I feel all the time. Maybe its because all I see are couples walking hand in hand, laughing, playing, joking and enjoying each others company. Hell its not just anybody I�m talking about here. It's friends, family, co-workers, and total strangers. I climb into my bed alone at night praying that my soul mate will make it to me soon before I completely explode. Before I lose my last fucking marble. I know he's trying his hardest and it breaks my heart that I can't do more to help him get here. I feel so useless to him at this point. Like my love and need and want for him isn't enough. I should be doing more, but how? what? I barely have enough energy to pull my ass outta bed these days. I guess it�s mostly because I�m afraid it will be another day like the day before and the day before that. So I finally talk myself into getting out of bed and try to convince myself that something really good is going to happen today. Unfortunately and as the story of my life seems to go...it bombs AGAIN. Another crappy day where I�m left feeling like I need to break something or scream or anything just to get the tension and stress off my shoulders. Once again though it never goes away. It�s just always there. To be honest I don't even know why I�m sitting here writing this. Maybe I think it will bring me back to the "real world" and be "normal"
But who even defined normal anyway. Oh well doesn't matter. Society tells me I�m not normal. I'm not ok. Oh my favorite here, I�m chemically imbalanced. LOL
Ok thanks doc put me on a shit load of drugs that will render me useless. Its not like I don't feel useless enough without all of that other crap bringing me down further. I guess I wonder if someone is trying to break me. Make me what they want me to be. Make me someone I can't be. I'm sure that�s part of it. Now how do I escape the daily drama's that keep attacking me? Do I possibly really just bring it all on myself? Is that why I feel the way I feel all the time. Is that why I'll snap on a friend for no good reason other than something just rubbed me the wrong way at that particular moment. Hell sometimes its not even someone who has rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it�s really me rubbing myself the wrong way. Allowing too much to bother me. But how do I stop that then? Oh confusion, confusion. Doesn't it suck? Now if I could go outside right this moment and know that no one would hear me, I do believe I would have a screaming fit just to possibly release some of this pressure that has built up inside of me before I ruin something that means everything to me.
I dunno, I just wish someone could understand me. I mean really understand me. I wish I could fix all of this inside of me. Make the pain just go away. But it stays despite my attempts. I wake up angry and go to bed angry. Not all the time I don't guess but here lately I suppose that�s how it�s been. Don�t get me wrong sometimes I�m overjoyed, but eventually those feelings fade and the shit starts again. Mom calls and bitches at me, or my boss, or my grandmother or hell just anyone. Its like I�m the bitchin post or something. I'm everyone�s, and I mean Everyone�s out. Honestly that�s not helping any of course. But for the life of me I can't change it. I can't make it all just stop and go away. Maybe I�m just stupid or something. Glutton for punishment indeed. All I ever hear is "come on now you can fix it. All its gonna take is..."
You fill in the blanks. Anyway I am at a boiling point here and I�m ready to just explode. I don't want to go there again. For fear that I�ll fuck the only 3 good things in my life at the moment. My daughter, my son and the only man to ever make me smile from the inside out. I couldn't handle fucking any of those up. But I do fear at times, that is exactly what I�m doing. Like I could be a better mom to my kids and should be doing more. Or I could be better to the love of my life
I dunno I just always feel so like NOTHING.
Hell maybe I�m just feeling sorry for myself as well. I guess that�s possible. But is sit really so wrong for once just ONCE someone take the weight off my shoulders and make everything all right for me again? Yeah of course that�s too much to ask. It�s only me we are talking about here.
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