Well once again suicide has entered my life...twice in one week.....This time though its hardcore cause one of the ppl was my ex, the father of my remaining children....I have to say I'm totally floored by it all....I mean him and I fought, bickered, argued etc etc but for the most part we were friends. We'd had a really rough patch at summers end of this yr and we never spoke again after that but in the 13 yrs I knew him and in spite of all the arguments etc etc I cared about him, I loved him, I wanted him to find happiness - he was not only my childrens father but also my friend. He was found a week ago today and had taken his life the Friday before....I'm shocked, I'm upset and sad, I ache for my kids because they are so confused and upset (particularly my son) and I'm mad as all hell....How dare he!!!
The funeral was this past saturday (Oct 4th) our sons birthday is today...needless to say its not a good one for him...he's having good moments but really bad ones too...He, at the tender age of 10 and our daughter at the tender age of 8 1/2 are SO confused...Its not fair, they've been through so much already in their lives but this...this really takes the cake. My ex, who more often than some would care to admit, could be the biggest asshole walking the face of the earth but inside was a guy who DID love his kids, he just didnt know how to show it..Inside was a man with issues and he knew he had them but didnt know how to cope with them and his pride was too big to grab ahold of the hands that were being held out to him....He just couldnt grab on...cause he didnt understand, he didnt believe that anyone believed in him and he didnt believe in himself and never did...Does this make his suicide okay FUCK NO!! cause now I have our two children who have to deal with this and though they arent alone and they have a big support system, they are still children that want their daddy and though I wish I could give them everything they need/want I cant give them him - he made the choice to call it quits and I'll bet that when it was happening he DID think of them, but it wasnt enough....How do you explain that to a child?? You cant...I'm devastated yet at the same time I'm so fuckin furious with him!!!
I cant do this right now...... |
