| THE LAST STRAW....by Raven |
| This isn't going to be easy for me to do since this finally attack was the last to come out and the hardest one to deal with....I can't really explain it better than that....just know that writing about this isnt easy...I know I had said on another page that I would never talk about this but - well its time.....so here goes.... When I was 17, I was pretty much a 'free spirit' of sorts, roamin here and there (even though I was living with a guy), partying, having fun etc..no big deal...well it wasn't until one night I'd been out partying with a friend and we got separated...we'd both been drinking and were having a blast etc but getting seperated wasn't something either one of us stressed about...Looking back I think I should have stressed about it...I was in a different town, it was late, I was young and buzzed....not a good combo...Anyway, so yea we got seperated and I decided to say fuck it and head for home...Thumbing wasn't a big deal for me, I'd done it so many times it was 'old hat', with other ppl, on my own - what ever - it wasnt a big deal....Well on this particular night it was...I was on my way to a main road to start hitchin my way home...and got snatched up off the street by 3 guys. All I remember of them was they were from New York and not much older than me (I would say they were in their early 20's)...anyway...Apparently these guys thought it would be fun to take me to a remote area and take turns fucking me - I on the other hand DIDN'T think it was fun but when you are being held down and your mouth is covered and you're shitting bricks arguing isn't really in your best interest. One of these pricks decided to take it a little further though and from what I figured, my face bothered him so he decided to rearrange it.....Yes I got a beating...which as strange as this may sound, worked in my favour (or so I thought)...back to the car, shoved into the back seat and then dumped a little closer to the main areas (gee thanks assholes!!)....Oddly enough, I made it home that night though all I really wanted to do was die....All I remember thinking was "oh my god not again!! why? what did I do that was so terrible to deserve this??". I was scratched up on my back (they had me on rocks), my face had already started to bruise and swell (by the next morning one side of it had doubled in size), I was basicly a fuckin mess......So how did the beating work in my favour? I told my boyfriend at the time that I had been mugged...if you could have seen me, you'd have believed it too....I was a right fuckin mess.....It didn't take me long to block this whole incident either. I honestly think that if I hadn't have - I would have killed myself within a matter of months...This one was the worst IMO - why I'm not exactly sure - most ppl would figure the abuse from my adoptive 'father' would have been the worst one but you have to remember, when that happened I was a child...with this one I was 17 and KNEW damn well what was happening to me....I don't know, its hard to explain.... What happened next? Life went on - so to speak....the incident was forgotten for the most part - I had even managed to somewhat convince myself that I was mugged after a while. I guess cause it was easier to deal with and I didn't have to completely hide the fact that SOMETHING bad had happened (hard to explain)....Well that all came to a earthshattering end this past year...when it all came flooding back to me like a bat out of hell!! I don't exactly remember when or how it happened but bottom line, I think its my minds way of saying, 'Ok its time to deal with this!'. In all honesty, this one has been the hardest one to deal with in a lot of ways..(I think because of the violence of it and like I mentioned before I KNEW what was happening to me and it definately was the last straw. During the years that followed it wasn't totally out of my mind but it was candycoated if you get what I mean....and even though I hid it and covered it up etc etc I, deep in my mind, always knew the truth and there were many times I acted on it - raged - got violent with others etc...) What makes it harder to deal with than the other two? Well its brought on some experiences that REALLY fucked with me! I think the worst being a body memory that was SO 'real' and vivid! I was laying in bed (well on the sofa), everyone else was asleep except for me and the next thing I knew it was happening all over again...I felt my ankles being held, my legs getting separated, I felt the hand on my mouth and my shoulders being pinned down, I felt the rocks in my back.....was I dreaming? No. How do I know? Because I ALSO felt the sofa under me, when I felt my legs being opened I tried to fight it and jolted my bad knee which of course shot a pain through my leg..I remember trying to scream for my b/f who was sleeping and no sound came out - like someone had turned off my vocal cords or something, the sound made it to my throat but no further..I could open my eyes and look around the room. I cant really explain it any better than that and to be honest I don't want to. I don't think I have ever been more terrified in all my life.. The next morning, the kids went to school, my b/f went to work and I was home alone and afraid..when my b/f called to give me my wake up call, he found out something was wrong and came home which was great cause I didn't want to be alone...I talked to a g/f a couple of days later and told her what had happened (she is also a survivor) and I asked her if it was normal....she in turn asked me if it was like entities were re-enacting the rape and I said yes..."Yea - Its normal" and I just started to cry...okay so I'm not crazy...She also warned me that it will more than likely happen again...Well ppl I have to say - I really hope not!! That night seems to have opened a whole new can of worms...I've actually barracaded myself in my room a couple of times since then..something I'd never done before. Yea I've locked myself in the house too afraid to go outside before I still do that quite frequently but I have NEVER confined myself to one room before - too afraid to even go upstairs to the bathroom!! That is some freakie ass shit!!! The way I live is odd. I can't go to the store by myself (which is 2mins away), I won;t go into public places by myself (like malls or the grocery store), at night if I think I here somethng outside the house I check all my doors and windows and make sure the kdis are safe - one night I was CONVINCED someone was tryng to get in my daughters window!! I mean seriously, it is fucked up!! And its hell...and scary....and it hurts but I'm getting through it - slowly but surely - I'm getting through it... I still don't talk about this incedent very much but at least I am talking about it now. I call it the Last Straw for a couple of reasons...the main one being, I decided after it happened that nothing like this would ever happen again - would kill or die first - I also decided that there would come a time when I would remember and deal. It's that time. I'm tired of living my life in fear. I am tired of living my life in pain. It time to take my life back from these bastards...I may take a long time - I always knew it wouldnt be an over night thing (dealing with all of it) and I knew it would be hard but I'm up for the fight, I'm hellbent and determined and I am going to win! ~ Raven UPDATE ~ Feb 10 2003 - Well all that coming out and rearing its ugly head fucked me up off and on for a while.....The body memories stopped (maybe only temporarily hell I don't know) for the most part, I still have them but not so intensely.....I still fly off the handle and have my episodes but I think the worst of this phase is over....last summer I had some major freak outs and whatnot but things have mellowed...I talk about the last straw a lot easier now (depending on the day mind you)....I don't get quit so upset...and though I still have moments when things get a little weird for me (memories, nightmares etc) I seem to get through them better and bounce back alot quicker which is good..I don't know...I'll keep you updated.... |