| Dealing with Death ~ by Raven In my 30 yrs I have lost many people be it friends, family or aquaintances to the 'Grim Reaper'...each time it affects me differently..Whenever its a meer aquaintance (ie; parent of a friend) I feel sad that a life has been lost but my concern and compassion mainly lies with the friend. Whenever one of my friends has passed away I usually get quite upset not only because I've lost a friend but due to my age, my friends that have passed usually end up dying unexpectly, violently or what have you...I think out of family members, so far, I didn't really know them so yes I was upset but (other than my moms mom whom though I hadn't seen her in a long and really didn't know her too well, I loved dearly) life goes on. Then, almost 3 yrs ago, a friend of my lost his 'wife' AND son during childbirth..I was pregnant (newly) at the time and that news rocked me like I have never been rocked before..Of course I felt for my friend from the deepest parts of my heart...he's a very special person to me (in spite of alot), on top of that and the fact that he'd lost 'his woman' (as he liked to put it the twit) but A BABY?!! I just couldn't grasp that concept....not in a million years. I remember thinking to myself "holy fuck its tradgic enough to lose a loved one like a friend or parent but to lose your own CHILD!? That has to be the roughest thing ever!" Little did I realize at the time that I would find out for myself soon enough EXACTLY how that feels.. I had said that at the time of my friends tragedy I was pregnant with my 3rd child. My pregnancy went wrong right from the start..(you can read about that Here) and when my son was born at 24 weeks I knew if he made it past the first week he'd go farther but it would be a rough ride. I even knew in the back of my head that I wouldn't have my son for long, I wouldn't see him head of on his first day of school etc but that wasn't something I cared to think about...so I didn't. I mentioned above that when my friend lost his g/f and baby it rocked me hard...well let me tell you, looking back now, that was NOTHING compared to losing my OWN child...Ty passed away Nov 30, 1999 so its been over a year and I gotta tell you it still rips me apart. Not as often as it used to, granted but the pain, I don't think will ever go away. It has eased over the past year, except of course when a "first" came around...(like what would've been his 1st Xmas which btw we'd already bought some of his presents, his 1st birthday etc and the 1yr mark of his death)..but there are times when I just cry and ache and long for him..I would give my life to have Tyler alive again. Doesn't make sense to you does it? Well let me explain why I would; My life has been a whirlwind of pain, anger, sorrow etc. At times I feel that my life has been a waste, I've just been taking up space. I've been here for 30 yrs...Yes I have children and yes I love them more than anything and yes, I know that if I were to die it would be very hard for them..BUT! My children have their whole lives ahead of them, the have the chance to grow up to become someone wonderful and accomplish great things..to me that is so important. I know that if Tyler were alive today and were to live to be an old man and have that opportunity, he would make me proud. Just like my other 2 children will. I have tremendous faith in my babies, they are like no children I've ever known in spite of all the heartache and pain they've already experienced in their short lives. I had that same faith in Tyler too. If I could give my life in exchange for him to have his back then yes I would..my children would have each other and the ones who love them to keep them strong..My b/f would have his only son back and in connection to that his happiness.Or at least part of it.. Now I KNOW my life hasn't really been a waste, I've learned much, I've affected people, some in a good way and some I've really pissed off, I lived harshly and grown. I've experienced love, hate, anger, sorrow and happiness but Tyler was robbed of that. He was robbed of experiencing LIFE. My other two children in a sense have also been robbed of it due to my bad pregnancy and all that went on with Tyler especially his death. Also though, part of me feels I owe it to Ty, I owe it to him to give myself up in order for him to live, grow, thrive and leave a great mark on society. Why you ask? There is a part of me that feels I am the one who ripped him off..my body didn't hang on to him long enough and he in return suffered the consequences. I owe him. Keep in mind that in the above paragraph I said "there are times" when I feel this way. I think its a part of greiving. I think its a part of losing something so innocent and precious...its a package deal so to speak. In my heart of hearts I believe Tyler died becaue it was his time...the reason he was brought into our (meaning mine and my family) lives was to teach us something, to bring us together, to help us with a situation. He served that purpose, he'd finished his task and it was time for a rest until his next life. *Yes I believe in reincarnation and yes I believe, in fact I know, Tyler will be back.* Experiencing the affects of death is a very hard and traumatic thing but at some point in our lives we MUST experience it.. Dealing with the death of a child~ shit, you can't (IMO) experience anything harder than that. So how do you deal with it? That depends on you. (you'll notice I say that quite often,'it depends on you' or 'its up to you')..well its true isn't it...I mean who's life is it anyway?! How do I deal with it...in various ways. I cry alot, which is to be expected I suppose. I write him letters or poems. I think about him EVERY day...I talk to him..A LOT! I also, especially in the beginning, talk to others who've 'been there'. I joined message boards, online clubs, email lists, went into chat rooms and I do this...I write about him. I write about my experience and my pain...most of all like with all the other shitty things I have experienced in life, one way or another I talk about it..I try my damnedest to help others who are 'newly' going through it just like people online did for me..Brandons mom had mentioned in her letter to Brandon(on her suicide essay) that we've found each other..She's right. Odd thing is, we knew each other years ago, we just never 'clicked'. Not that we didn't like each other or anything like that we just never became friends. Now though, we talk quite often, we joke around, we cry and share our feelings and thoughts and we're helping each other..What we've had to experience, even though the circumstances are different, has brought us together. We have different beliefs (by that I mean in the religious sense), we've got somewhat different backgrounds, different lifestyles etc BUT both Brandons mom and myself, due to what has happeded, want to help others who've gone through what we have , we want to help each other cope and get through it..we want to educate people. We now have a bond that I personally think is growing stronger everyday, we've both lost the most incredible and precious thing a mother could ever lose ~ her child...I think thats important...finding another who understands what you are going through and talking about it.. What about other children? This has been a problem for us, helping the kids cope with their brothers death..Not easy I have to say. Especially in the begining...we were so caught up in dealing with our grieve that we weren't even aware that it had affected my oldest! When we did clue in though (which didn't take long) I was at a loss at what to do..Some of the things that came out of his mouth had me in such shock! Things like how he wanted to jump in front of a truck so he would die and could be with his brother! This is coming out of the mouth of a 6 yr/o!! He had the babysitter concerned the one night by treatening to throw himself down the stairs and kill himself!! That is some brutal shit!! BUT we have been working on it and even though there is still a issue, it is getting better...Its taking time but I expected it to.....After all we are talking about death here....its harsh...and I have totally lost my train of though damn it!! MORE TO COME!!! GGGRRRRR |
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