adoption

ADOPTION ~ by Raven
As you all know, I am adopted...this is a very touchy subject with me but one I feel needs to be addressed...Take it or leave, the choice is up to you but I NEED to talk about it..thats just me. Maybe to you I should be grateful and honoured by the fact that I was adopted..I never said I wasn't...Maybe you feel that I shouldn't be curious about WHO I am and where I came from....thats not for you to decide, you don't live my life nor do you know how I feel...but like me you are entitled to your opinion...Anyway, this page is about my feelings on being adopted and where I am at now.

    Well where to begin....Hmmm I guess I'll just jump into it head first....Yes I am adopted, am I happy about it? To be quite honest, NO I'm not....sound a bit harsh to you? OH WELL!! So was my life! And yes, I will tell you right away that there were times growing up that I wish I'd never been born..(Ppl on Abortion Debate boards have ask me time and time again if I would have prefered to have been aborted - yes there were times when I did wish that would have been the choice..but anyway).....It's hard for me to explain to anyone why I feel the way I do. Especially when ppl will say things like but your mom loves you! She gave you a roof over your head and raised you and supported you yada yada yada...First off let me say to the ppl that ASS-U-ME that - YOU ARE AN IDIOT!! (sorry to be so mean and bitchy but HEY thats how I feel) HOW DARE ANYONE try to convince me that I should be grateful for being adopted! ESPECIALLY when they don't know me! How dare anyone come to the defense of the woman who SAW some of this shit happen (the abuse) RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! and not do anything about it....Yea sure I imagine it was hard for her to deal with but you know what SHE SHOULD TRY LIVING IN MY SKIN FOR THE PAST 25+ YRS!! THEN tell me how hard it is for her!! This isn't a piece of cake for me ppl! Not by a long shot!! *deep breath* Okay I am getting off track here.......

     Okay ~ so let me tell you about what it was like for ME being adopted....yes my sister and brother love me, I don't doubt that and never have. My mother? THAT I've doubted for a very long time but that is a story all in itself. Its all irrelivent though...

      My being adopted was very obvious, I am black (mixed actually) and the family that adopted me is so NOT! In fact they are so fair Casper has a tan compared to them!! (get my point?) I have no problem with families adopting outside their race, in fact I think its great! PROVIDED they are willing to learn and educate themselves on the culture of the child they are adopting. I think this is VERY important!! I feel so fuckin ripped off when it comes to knowing my heritage...and I feel ripped off for my kids too! I can't teach them much about their black roots until I learn more and its taking time....I think its very important cause even though legally we are your children, we WILL NEVER be your blood! I think that screening should be done more thoroughly and visits should also be done more than once or twice....Do I think same sex couples should be allowed to adopted - YES! Why? Just because their sexual preference isn't the same as yours doesn't mean they aren't capable of being good loving parents!! To think that gay couples can't provide for and love a child just as well as a hetrosexual couple is not only shallow but also foolish!! Gays and bi's are just as loving and compassionate if not more so than straight ppl!! Do I think that singles should be allowed to adopt? Yes I do!! Why not?? What because there is only one parent?? SO FUCKIN WHAT!! I'M A SINGLE PARENT!! Should my kids be taken away from me because of that?? HELL NO!! I'm a damn good - EXCELLENT in fact - parent! Just because there wasn't a man around doesn't mean I lost my parenting skills!!

     UGH!! OKAY I'm going to end this for now cause I am just getting angry...but I'M NOT DONE YET!!

BACK TO ESSAYS / BACK TO MAIN

UPDATE ~ Feb 10 2003

Well last summer I recieved a phone call from Adoption Disclosure.....in fact, I recieved 2 phone calls from them in the matter of an hour...the first was to inform me that they had found my mother (I thought this was odd but pushed that thought aside quickly)....I was told she was dead, she'd died when I was 19 of a cocaine overdose...I was tripped, I was upset...but when I was then told that I would be recieving a package with all IDENTIFYING information about her, I was a little relieved BECAUSE with that info I could track down my father whom I have been needing all my life...the ONLY person I know of in existence that I take after (I know this from the NON Identifying info I recieved a few yrs ago).....anyway, it was a bad moment yet good in a strange way.....Phone call ends...I cry...but realized that I was that little bit closer to finding my dad....I was pretty upset....but that little bit closer to finding my dad damn it...something I've needed for YRS! THEN my world once again that summer came crashing in on me....this time in a BIG WAY....The woman called me back....She called me back to inform me that she was mistaken, it was actually my FATHER who'd died of a drug overdose in '89. She then told me that I wasn't entitled to any information BUT she could tell me that he passed and was buried somewhere in Southern Ontario...(thanks bitch) BUT WAIT!! IT GETS BETTER!!! This same woman while I'm rapidly becoming absolutely hysterical takes it upon herself to tell me that I must be happy that I never got to meet him "under the circumstances" and how I must be so happy that I was adopted out "considering" (meaning he, in her eyes, was a good for nothing and I was better off not knowing him)....WHO THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS?!?!?! I was SO devastated at what she said but so in shock over it all I didn't come back with a obnoxious comment like I would have under any other circumstance...THAT FUCKING BITCH!! HOW DARE SHE TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT - stupid fuckin WHORE!!! UGH! Anyway, I got off the phone and just sat here at my desk for a minute...totally in shock, unbelieving...and then it hit me like a really big bat out of hell....and that was it, I was done....After the first phone call I'd emailed my then bf (now husband), he told me he was on his way home...so it was while he was enroute to here that the second call came in.....When he got here, I was a hysterical mess on my basement floor...my worst fear had just come true and the man I've needed all my life and looked for since I was 16 would never be a part of my life...I was officially alone now (thats how I saw it).....and I wanted to die....

I don't want to really write anymore about it....its very upsetting for me...I will say this though....People ask me (most ppl actually) "Rave why do you care? why do you get so upset?" Well in all honesty, I can't explain to anyone in a way that they'd understand.....he's my dad...I learned that I am JUST LIKE HIM which meant SO MUCH to me...to actually have somebody that I take after.....I KNOW that if we could have met we'd have had a solid relationship....how do I know this?? LOL cause I'm just like him..I may not be 'daddys little girl' in the sense that you all know....but I am daddys little girl.....and now he's not here and I can't find him which is a VERY tough pill for me to swallow..anyway, I don't want to write anymore about it right now....maybe another time.

UPDATE Mar 3 2003 ~ Okay...so let's try this again and this may or may not come out smoothly but I'll give it a go anyway.....You got the general idea of how I came to find out that my dad would NEVER be a part of my life so now I'm going to try and explain WHY it meant so much to me and still does. I never got to have a dad growing up....I remember growing up how it used to really bother me that my 'sister' was spitting image of mommy dearest (she still is too, its totally creepy) and my 'brother' was spitting image of their father....I wasnt' spitting image of anyone...I stand alone - always did. That was so harsh for me....but when MY son was in the hospital and I had to find out whatever medical info I could, the woman I dealt with back then let me know more than the medical (she was so sweet!!) and I found out that according to the files I was JUST LIKE my dad (I think I mentioned this somewhere else but anyway).....So finally I am spitting image of someone!! WOOHOO!!! Fuck, you have no idea how much that meant to me....I am sure that may sound stupid to some of you but whatever, like I give a shit what you think.....You have no idea how much I needed that....I mean really NEEDED that...not just the 'being like' somebody part but to know that I really do have family out there AND I could very well have younger brothers and sisters and Aunts and Uncles and holy shit I do belong to someone........*big sigh*.....when I got that phone call I was crushed...since then I've spend hours and hours online trying to find SOME LOOP HOLE somewhere somehow some way to find this man....of course with no luck mind you..I mean COME ON lets be just a little realistic here...the chances of me finding that needle in that massive haystack is beyond next to impossible....but I try, every so often, just to hang on to something ya know......Someday, maybe someday I'll find him and if that day happens I'll go to his grave and pour out my heart to him like I've wanted to some many times over all these yrs...Yea, that may sound really stupid to you but like I said I don't give a shit what you think....you aren't me. I dont know....anyway, so yes I cry (more often than I care to admit) and I miss him so much and you don't have to understand that...and that's okay...He's not your dad, he's mine and I love him....