I've been through some things lately that really brought up some demons for me...Some really bad ones...normally when shit like this happens I can cope fairly well and get through it etc etc but this time some damage has been done. Damage that I cant fix on my own. Damage that is really messing with me in a close to dangerous way and its set me back. So what have i done about it? I decided to go back to therapy. I sort of dont want to because I know that I'm going to have to dredge up and relive all the pain and new things, feelings will come and memories are coming back to haunt me and damn it, I dont want to deal with these things. I'm so tired of hurting and the LAST thing I want to do is relive all this shit again with a therapist but I know that I'm at a point in my healing where I've done all I can on my own and I need to take that next step. I'm terrified. I know that not only am I going to have to relive all the abuse - mental, physical, emotional and sexual but I know its getting closer to having to cut my family out of my life. They cause me nothing but damage, they caues my kids nothing but damage and when it gets to the time to do that - I dont know if I'll get through it. I know these ppl. I know they will belittle me yet again (which has never ended), blame me, say things that are terrible to me and its going to be so hard. They are goign to hurt me all over again. But its not just that. Once that is done, I'm alone. I am the beginning of my family. I am the start, the soul start of my childrens blood family (especially now that their father is no longer alive) and that is such a tough pill for me to swallow. I have nothing to share with them other than my wisdom - there are no family photos from when I was a kid, no cute memories from when I was little, no old family stories etc...thats so shitty. That hurts so much. People tell me "Raven you have your unconditional love, support and the fact that you're an excellent mother and wise - thats what you've given them and will always give them" Sure maybe thats true but I know that for yrs it broke my heart to hear my friend talk about family gatherings and all the great memories etc adn I know how jealous it made me feel.
i dont want to do this right now....I'll do it later. |
