4001. Jesus Christ was born to parents, Mary and Joseph, who lived their whole lives in western Arabia. So… why is Jesus portrayed in paintings and other renditions as a white man? Arabs have certainly never been that pale.
4002. On that note, I think that every portrayal of Jesus should include a black oval over His face with a giant question mark on the oval. We’ve got no idea what He looks like; we should depict that.
4003. Old blackjack players never die; they just surrender a 16 against a dealer ace.
4004. You know, I could try to psychically determine what’s on your kitchen island, but that would be counterintuitive, wouldn’t it be?
4005. New proposed slogan for my number-one *favorite* network: “Lifetime – where penises go to die.” Concise, catchy, and man-bashing – perfect!
4006. If I had 24 hours to live, I’d spend it thinking about what I’d do if I had 24 hours to live.
4007. Most people write autobiographies about themselves. But the dumb guy tried to write an autobiography about “that Henry Ford dude”.
4008. If a vegetarian were extremely hungry, would they ever say that they’re so hungry that they could eat a horse?
4009. You know, I would say that George W. Bush is dumb as bricks, but I’m too kind for that. No, bricks deserve more credit than that.
4010. I observed a subject (not a contestant) on a game show who thought that pinecones came from elm trees. I don’t think that you could be possibly dumber than that. No way. She is the dumbest person on Earth.
4011. I’m getting this image of old Scottish women chasing kilted men frantically along rural hillsides with leaf blowers, but I don’t quite know why, nor do I know what to do with it. Send along suggestions.
4012. If it’s true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, then Roseanne Barr’s throat must be pretty well lubed by now.
4013. On the cover of a magazine called J-14 proclaimed the headline, “The real reason Eminem got naked”. Well, that’s easy – he was taking a shower.
4014. I’d rather not use the work “diarrhea” anymore. I prefer the more elegant-sounding “excremental fluidity”.
4015. You know, Julia Roberts played a lot of the seductress/sexy woman/femme fatale roles in her movies, but I don’t really think she was all that attractive, makeup or no makeup. Well, I guess that’s why it’s called “acting”.
4016. So you’ve got a song stuck in your head. But it’s no ordinary song. It’s a song that compels you, somehow, to sing one line of the song, the same line every time, on random and frequent occasions, rather loudly, and for no reason. I’d like to know why that happens.
4017. One of life’s great lessons unlearned to me is at what age of your little cousin you can stop pretending to like their faddish music in order to spare their feelings.
4018. Have you ever finished an apple and realized, after the fact, that you forgot to take the little sticker off? There’s the moment where you think you’ve been poisoned, or something, until you quickly realize that it’s probably happened to you before, and you shrug it off because you’ve never really felt anything adverse after eating an apple.
4019. See, I’ve noticed a little pattern in bathtubs. There’s a buildup of hair on the drainpipe cover that backs up the bathtub more and more by the night, and it keeps doing so until someone builds up the nerve to actually touch what’s built up all gunkily and throw it away. The cycle starts over from there.
4020. The ultimate ad C.Y.A. job: in an ad for Levitra, the disclaimer reads, “Levitra does not protect against HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.” What possible connection can be made from simply enabling your penile tissue to stiffen to preventing infected bodily fluids to transfer from one person to another? What person could be dumb enough to intuit that connection?
4021. Here are the 9 stages of life. 1: You come out naked. 2: You don’t care if anyone sees you naked. 3: You’re afraid to let someone see you naked. 4: You hope someone sees you naked. 5: Someone sees you naked. 6: You don’t mind when someone sees you naked, but only an exclusive set of people apply. 7: You get tired of being seen naked. 8: You’re senile; you have no idea whether you’re being seen naked, so you don’t really care if anyone sees you naked. 9: You leave the world, hopefully not naked.
4022. How do you make a New Englander feel at home? Don’t bother greeting them, never ask if they feel comfortable, never ask if they need any help, and never answer any of their questions in any more than two words.
4023. New proposed slogan for Florida: “Florida – Believe It Or Not, We Didn’t Invent the Comb-Over!”
4024. Whenever a car with a front-seat passenger stops at an intersection with a stop sign for a left turn, the driver looks both ways. But why does the passenger almost always do the same thing?
4025. When gossip trashmags mention celebrities, especially on the covers, they only use first names. So they do nothing but spill the swill about these people, but they take it upon themselves to be able to be on a first-name basis with them? Something’s amiss here.
4026. I saw one of those “I’m sincerely sorry that I forgot” cards, and what was on the front of the card but a picture of a nice bouquet of flowers. A picture. This card says, “I’m sorry, but, since I was too damn cheap to get real flowers to apologize, here’s a nice picture of some flowers on a two-dollar card for you.”
4027. Why did the dermatologist hardly ever get past a first date with anyone? He had a tendency toward making some callus remarks.
4028. Whenever I ride by a car dealership with PT Cruisers on display, I can’t keep my eyes off them. And by “them”, I mean the insides of my eyelids.
4029. You’ve seen the local ads for banks, car dealerships, and such, the ones where they say, “We don’t forget a face.” Well, that claim goes out the window the moment that the Phantom of the Opera, Zorro, or Darth Vader walks through the door.
4030. If I had said that the one book from which I have drawn the most inspiration for the Random Thoughts is the Kama Sutra, would you believe me?
4031. If you said “no” to that last question, good. Believe me, I wanted to leave it at that. I was really tempted. But I just couldn’t let it go. Although I’m sure some people have been duly inspired by the Kama Sutra.
4032. I have a theory about how boy bands get their dance moves. They have small electrodes attached to various points strategically chosen on their bodies, and there’s someone off the side of the stage rhythmically pressing buttons that give them small electric shocks in the appropriate electrodes, causing them to move according to the choreography.
4033. I thought at the time that mooning the Jumbotron was a good idea, but not anymore in… umm, hindsight.
4034. If I hear the name of a political scandal with the “—gate” suffix on it again, I’m not sure exactly what I’ll do, but male news reporters and commentators whom I hear saying it will talk two octaves higher when I’m done.
4035. You can say “ten thousand dollars”, and it’s a good chunk of change. But say “a hundredth of a million dollars!” and it sounds like a whole lot more, doesn’t it? If you want a sum of money to seem larger than it is, just put it in terms of a million dollars. They hear “million”, but not really the fraction.
4036. In the front of a supermarket, I saw a kid, couldn’t’ve been three years old, riding one of those coin-op mechanical horses, yelling, “Giddyap!” every so often. When the motor stopped, the kid yelled, “Hey! Bad horsey! Come on, giddyap!” I’m sorry, that was damn near the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
4037. Sure, a whole lot of years ago, people invented the idea of religions to explain the creation of the universe, the behavior of man, an afterlife, and all that. And, mind you (believe it or not, reading this List), I am a fairly religious person. I think a higher power does exist. But I think humanity would be a whole lot better off if the concept of religion had never been conceived. The vast majority of human conflict would never have occurred if people hadn’t gotten in over their heads trying to explain something that is earthly unexplainable. There would still be an omniscient one or ones, but no one would argue.
4038. Have you ever wondered what the citizens of Walla Walla, Washington, are called? Walla Wallites? Walla Wallans? Walla Wallese? Walla Winkies? One of life’s preeminent mysteries right there…
4039. Can you believe that directly after I thought about such a deep topic as the effect of religion on humanity, I come up with such a ridiculous Thought as what the people of Walla Walla may be called? I couldn’t…
4040. You know, when I was a cashier, and it was slow, I was tempted multiple times to lay flat on the conveyor belt, hang my feet over so I wouldn’t move, and activate the motor to get a nice mechanical full backrub.
4041. In an attempt to prevent discoloration and erosion of the Washington Monument from acid rain, officials are airlifting a giant, tight-fitting rigid, semitransparent cover over the top of it. When the operation is complete, it will become the Guinness Book record holder for the world’s largest working condom.
4042. There’s been a nudist airline that’s been getting a lot of pub recently at the time of this Thought. I can imagine that the biggest plus about this airline is that the security checks would be a whole lot easier.
4043. There has been, believe it or not, an airline run by Hooters. It’s called Hooters Air. It’s the only airline where the female flight attendants don’t need an ID tag to clear security.
4044. Hooters Air is also the only airline where passengers may use the flight attendants as flotation devices.
4045. I have a real problem with the use of the word “revolutionary” in commercials. A great new fruity taste of cola is not “revolutionary”. A new idea that would suppress cancer and its relapse is.
4046. Please tell me the idea behind the expression “sh**-eating grin”. How could one possibly be grinning in that situation?
4047. It’s often said that someone certain to be caught has “nowhere to run”. Oh, you’ve always got somewhere to run. The issue here is that you’re f’d no matter where you do run.
4048. So I was having a dream, and I had no idea it was a dream until I saw a porno with Billy Joel, and he was singing “Honesty” while in it. Uhh…
4049. When you’re standing in the checkout line, and you’re twice as cheery as the cashier is supposed to act, you know you’ve got a problem. Believe me, I’ve seen it.
4050. Why is it that older people chuckle after ordinary statements of actual events? “So… rainy weather out there today… ha ha ha…” I have no idea what’s funny at all three quarters of the time I hear the chuckle.
4051. How can a password be called such if, 99% of the time, it isn’t really a word? Sometimes it’s even a number. I’m confused…
4052. Here’s a bumper sticker you could slap on your car that’d keep people away: “Everyone else brakes for children.”
4053. (Here’s one for all you computer geeks out there.) So this programmer thinks he’s put the finishing touches on this monumental program. He clicks on “Run”, and the program comes up with one error. In tens of thousands of lines of code, one error. So he spends hours and hours, for days on end, and, finally, he finds the error – and it’s one letter he left out. A single keystroke. Now that shows character. [rim shot]
4054. You know… forget Michelangelo, Botticelli, Paul Klee, anyone like that. Some of the best, most original art I’ve ever seen is drawn with fingertips on the insides of fogged-up windshields in cars and buses.
4055. Magazines often make the offer of a number of free issues before they bill you. If you don’t like it, they say you can cancel and “keep the issues for free!” Why would you want to keep the issues, free or not, if you aren’t satisfied?
4056. I assume most people can pronounce the word “pieces” correctly. But put it in the name “Reese’s Pieces”, and it suddenly, for some reason, rhymes with “species”. I don’t know, maybe it’s the sugar.
4057. Oh, sure, the tugboat company doesn’t have any nominal political power. Oh, but you can bet they get what they want. They have quite a bit of pull.
4058. Some of the cheesiest ad jingles for local businesses I’ve ever heard are for music stores. You know, there’s irony for you. You’d think that a music store could come up with a reasonably musically complex jingle.
4059. There’s a curious phenomenon among rock and pop songs on the radio and the people singing along with them. For some reason, even the most gravelly-voiced guy will try to raise his voice to match pitch with a female or high-voiced male singer. And it almost always sounds awful.
4060. I’m surprised that more sex therapists aren’t marrying pimps. You know, they could do a lot to help each other.
4061. Some people have an innate sense of direction, timing, tact, things like that. Oh, no, not me, sir. I happen to have an innate sense of what people have an innate sense of. I don’t know why, I was born with it.
4062. So I was in a bunch of cars traveling very slowly in a dense fog. We were almost stopped, going about two miles an hour, when the guy behind me gets the brilliant idea to try and help us all out. Yes, he turned his high beams on in a pea-soup fog! Not only that, I’m turning left a little ways further, he’s going straight, so he decides to pass me in the breakdown lane. Apparently, the cars on the road weren’t the only things in a fog that night.
4063. If I’ve learned one important thing in life, it’s that blankets insulate flatulence very well. Pass gas and you’ll smell it under the covers for hours.
4064. See a children’s movie once, it’s cute. See it twice, it starts to get boring. See it thrice, it’s getting annoying. See it four times, you’re doing it just to appease the kid; it’s downright torture. Start thinking of excuses.
4065. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, my name is George W. Bush. Get used to foolin’ me.
4066. One of the biggest problems for psychologists is getting women to open up. Could you say that this is also true for sex therapists?
4067. Another big challenge for sex therapists, I’d imagine, is thinking of a better way to encourage self-congratulation than “Give yourselves a hand!”
4068. Here’s a simple solution to cut down any potential robbery in progress. A giant, strong magnet easily reachable behind the counter. Stick out a gun or a knife, and it’ll be sucked into the hands of the teller or cashier before you know what hit you.
4069. When you think about it, “pasty white guy” is a bit redundant. You don’t really need the word “white” in there.
4070. America should have thought twice before electing George W. Bush to the presidency, because George W. Bush can’t think twice for himself. Once and he’s done.
4071. You never see a guy on a game show who lists his occupation as “wayfaring hobo”. Let’s give homeless people shots at the big money on game shows if they can’t find a job. (And, for the contestants’ sake, a shower, too.) Damn those employment agencies and their efforts. Just put ‘em on game shows.
4072. Here’s a first for me. I saw two signs at the entrance to a bar that was in a restaurant. One read, “Please drink responsibly,” and the other, right below it, read, “Not responsible for lost items.” What’s this, are you somehow implying that people may lose their recollection if they drink to excess? Nooo…
4073. I really have to question the credibility of the National Weather Service here, especially the one nearest Washington, D.C. They did not once issue a dense fog advisory for the neurons in and nerve impulses traveling through George W. Bush’s brain during his presidency.
4074. Let’s have a nice round of applause for people who tailgate you on the highway, even when you’re doing at least ten above the posted speed limit in the left lane, then decide to pass you on the right and cut you off. They deserve a pat on the back and hearty congratulations for their audacity.
4075. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” many say. Well, I prefer to think of today as the last day of my life so far. Don’t you think that’s a more cautious and sensible approach?
4076. You know how when you’re looking up a word in a dictionary, and, while you’re flipping the pages, your eyes catch another word that looks interesting, you read the definition, and then you suddenly forget what word you were looking up in the first place? Geez, I hate when that happens…
4077. When babies see something with buttons on them, you can bet they won’t be able to resist reaching up to press them. Strangely enough, many adult males exhibit the very same behavior.
4078. It’s only sex. Come on… do it for the children…
4079. [sorry, thought deleted due to CIA temporary brainwashing operation]
4080. It would be a really fun venture to see someone stuff their mouth full of marshmallows and try to communicate the words “Worcestershire sauce” to various people. Bonus points if anyone actually gets what he’s trying to say.
4081. You know the old corporate retail adage, “The customer is always right.” Nuh-uh. Take it from me, I used to be a cashier. Not only can customers be very wrong, but also can they be extremely obnoxious. Since they’re always right, they feel (some, anyway) that they can boss around the employees and get away with it, because the employees are always dead wrong no matter how much the workers try to tell them (politely, natch) they’re not.
4082. By the vending machines I’ve seen, I have ascertained that people have a rather strange need to actually see the item they buy fall from its holding place to where they can pick it up. Why they have this need is a mystery to me. I couldn’t care less, just give me the damn drink or snack.
4083. For all the digs I’ve registered on Eminem, at least there’s one redeeming quality about him. Uhh… oh, never mind. I must have been thinking of someone else.
4084. If you aren’t careful, you could end up at a porno site on the Internet that would give you a virus. Could you say that this can be a sexually transmitted disease?
4085. Anyone who lives in a cool climate, and yet wears a Hawaiian shirt habitually in the summer, deserves to have a flock of rare tropical birds fly over their head and poop repeatedly on them violently.
4086. Some people have told me or implied to me that I don’t have any life. So I tell them that I once took the time to count the number of times they sing “whoo whoo” in the Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil”. Hey, I never said I was making any effort to refute the claim…
4087. You know, I don’t like to use the word “hate”. It’s such a strong, acute word. I prefer “despise with tremendous vitriol”. It’s got a better ring to it, doesn’t it?
4088. The United States Government has recently announced that, in honor of the two-term presidency of George W. Bush, the national flag has been modified from the Stars and Stripes design to that of a white background with a blue- and red-striped giant question mark centered on it.
4089. I must say that there should be an entire art devoted to the skill of picking your nose in public and disguising your actions so that nobody, even including those looking right at you, realizes what you’re actually doing.
4090. Funny, you never hear about anybody on an upward spiral. I’m sure it happens…
4091. I don’t know about people’s tempers these days, but I hear that anger management classes are all the rage.
4092. Most of the people in the world who are pessimists believe that humanity is going to hell in a handbasket. Well, I disagree. A handbasket is way too dainty and elegant of a container for this group of creatures. We should be a little less subtle about it and say that we’re going to hell in a trash compactor. It’s more than a bit more apt.
4093. May I say that postnasal drip is one of the most disgusting sensations you can possibly experience inside your body. I don’t know what prompts me to say that.
4094. Could you say that, of two dogs in a house, the one closer to the back door has a leg up when it has to go to the bathroom?
4095. Here’s a rule of thumb about the music biz. If the majority of publicity shots for a given artist is showing him or her with eyes completely or mostly closed and face tilted toward the ground in a contemplative pose, it is generally not worth listening to the artist’s music.
4096. It’s said that about 30-40% of humans snore. Oddly enough, when sleep is portrayed in animated and live-action movies, the proportion goes up to about 95%.
4097. With all of the technology available to us today, it’s patently amazing that so much of it was once put to use in a single commercial just so that they could make it look like Fred Astaire was dancing with a damn vacuum cleaner. Why?
4098. Lint builds up both in your belly button and between your buttock muscles. This may well be the only significant thing that your belly button and your butt crack have in common.
4099. Helpful, healthy hint: never trust a guy who offers to sell you out of the back of his old, beat-up car something called “The EZ 1-2-3 Scrotal Trauma Self-Repair Kit”.
4100. There has actually been a study done, in Germany, on men who put their penises into vacuum cleaners for sexual gratification, and the injuries occurring as a result of this baffling act. This is the first time in a while that I have absolutely nothing more to say about a topic. I don’t think I need to say anything more anyway.
4101. If there’s a high-pitched whine, say, at a place where you’ve habitually been, you get used to it and tune it out after a while. This is the very principle that has directed the survival of the Rivers household. God bless the guy who had to plant the seed in Joan to produce Melissa…
4102. If college teaches us all one lesson that we didn’t know as well before, I’m sure we’d all agree that it’s how to procrastinate the hell out of anything and still make a good job of it.
4103. I’m convinced that 80% of the nonnative residents of Montana, Idaho, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming have moved there simply because they are escaping their families.
4104.
Doyle
Brunson has my ultimate respect. Any man who can win a pot in Texas Hold-‘Em after
being dealt 10-2 unsuited takes a certain amount of guts. Mr. Brunson won two such
hands. That would get him my respect right there, but take into account that these
hands happened to be dealt to him as the final hands at the final tables of the World
Series of Poker in two successive years. That right there is “man’s man” material.
4105.
The big
problem in American politics, and world politics, for that matter, is that the politicians
who are put into office are the ones who say they have the solutions to the important
problems, but have no idea what the problems even are in the first place.
4106. Before Generation Y came along, “orifice” was a perfectly innocent word. Now, thanks mainly to our generation, it is almost impossible to hear that word without thinking about its overtly sexual connotation. That basically sums up the legacy of our generation right there.
4107. What did the watchmaker say after he finished his plate? “Seconds, please!”
4108. There should be a term for the period between when someone realizes they’re on camera and when they actually react to being on camera. It’s a curious phenomenon.
4109. If someone’s singing along to a song, and you ask them a question during the song, chances are about 85% that they will both wait until a break in the lyric and answer in no more than two syllables.
4110. According to world census estimates, the average human being on this Earth currently has 0.502 penises.
4111. I think it would be capital to design some sort of engine that can be run entirely on human passed gas.
4112. Tact is a rather emphasized part of society now. People are concerned more and more, especially considering news media, with saying the right things to the right people at the right time. Unfortunately, this obsession precludes a largely overlooked yet much more important quality, the knowledge of when to keep your mouth shut.
4113. Would it be too horridly inappropriate to call the administrator of a sadomasochism website a “webmaster”?
4114. I don’t think that any area can ultimately be pronounced “the final frontier” of the Earth. Can we ever be sure that every square inch of land on this Earth has been discovered? How would we know until we find another previously uncharted bit of land? Then that wouldn’t be frontier anymore and… I’m confused now…
4115. It’s claimed that M&Ms “melt in your mouth, not in your hand”. Have you ever held M&Ms in your hand for a little while? Oh, yes, they do melt in your hand.
4116. George W. Bush gradumacated from college. Bill Gates never did. How ironic is that?
4117. There is no such thing as life “as we know it”. We do not know life at all. That’s the whole reason we live – what fun would it be if we knew everything, or anything, for that matter? Life always morphs itself into something else before we’ve had the chance to think we know it.
4118. Hey, naked people are funny, don’t you think? [Sorry. Just a vain attempt to provide levity here.]
4119. Life is the ironic flashlight that you can’t find in the dark when the power goes out at just the worst time.
4120. For most of you, I’ll bet that’s the first time you’ve ever seen the phrase “ironic flashlight”.
4121. I wonder if any other species on Earth habitually enjoys ingesting their own nasal mucus like many humans like to do.
4122. Oh, sure, they’ve got those padded rooms in asyla for mentally unbalanced people. But I’m sure that, given the chance, the majority of sane people would jump at the chance to spend some time in there having unadulterated, primal fun.
4123. See, I think the reason we’ve embarked on a search for intelligent life in the universe is because we’ve exhausted our resources searching for it here on Earth fruitlessly.
4124. I equate people who use Linux vis-à-vis people who use Windows or Mac OS to Americans who write the date the British way (day month year) vis-à-vis Americans who write it how it should go in America. I don’t like it when people do things simply for the sake of appearing pretentious.
4125. Obesity is an epidemic in America, it is said. Since it really seems like it’s catching on and will be here for a while, I think it needs a snappy catchphrase, like America is wont to give faddish things. How about this: “Fat Fever – It’s Spreading Like Margarine!”
4126. I never sleep. Sleep is for the weak. I just like to relax sometimes and get a closer look at my eyelids.
4127. So this society, being of increasing lasciviousness, even still has decided that it cannot say “have sex” anymore, because it is not PC; it must be replaced with “be physically intimate”. Mystifying.
4128. “Hissy fit” is redundant. A hissy is a tantrum.
4129. I have invented a new poker game. It’s a variation on five-card draw called “Oh Gosh!” Here’s how it works. You get dealt five cards, and, if you say, “Oh, gosh!”, after you pick them up, every card is wild. Everyone gets five of a kind and splits the pot, getting their antes back.
4130. With the way the pop scene is progressing, one has to wonder whether a hideous-looking middle-aged man or woman new to the music scene, with lots of talent still, could ever make it in the music biz anymore.
4131. Here’s how you can tell the ignorant tourists in Europe. They’re the ones washing their faces in the bidet.
4132. Did you hear the one about the bored arsonist who set fire to the watch shop because he had time to burn?
4133. I would tell you the one about the interior decorator, but I really couldn’t. It’s an inside joke.
4134. You know, dealing with the inevitable is a lot like taking off a bandage. You can either rip it off quickly, or you can slowly peel it off. Both have the same result, but the latter hurts a whole hell of a lot more.
4135. “Chutes and Ladders” was more about life than we knew as kids. You kept progressing well in life with some solid moves. Make just the right more, and you can get ahead very quickly. But a misstep can send you backsliding a few notches just as fast.
4136. Oy, don’t even get me started on a “Candy Land” metaphor. One comparison between life and a children’s board game is enough for me to handle at any given time. Two, forget it.
4137. From about the age of twelve on, anyone is eligible to be considered “dumb, for their age”. The “smart, for their age” phase begins at about eight months to a year, but, unfortunately, ends at about 25. So, once you’re 25 or so, be mighty careful. That’s the point where you can no longer be labeled “smart, for your age”, but it’s sure easy to get tagged as dumb for your age.
4138. Isn’t it ironic that they abbreviate “Attention Deficit Disorder”? (Contributed by Alex Z. Thanks Alex!)
4139. Every time we want to say that something won’t take long, we use the number two. Two seconds. Two minutes. Two shakes of a monkey’s tail. Why two? Did it just happen that way?
4140. The next non-family or –friend who asks me on a cold day, “Warm enough for you?” is getting the ultra-evil look of death.
4141. See, I think that if you really want to sell a pickup truck appealing to the ultramasculine crowd, I suggest you provide the option of operating the stick shift from between the legs of the driver.
4142. I have an explanation for the formation of 1980s hair-metal bands. I’m not going to divulge many details at the moment, but I will say that it’s called the Big Bangs Theorem.
4143. Of all the U.S. Presidents and all their Cabinets throughout history, George W. Bush was the first President to need his Cabinet childproofed.
4144. We all know what hotels can offer. But could you say that a placenta offers “womb service”?
4145. When you’re listening to “We Will Rock You”, it’s not “clap clap clap”, it’s “stomp stomp clap”. Get it right!
4146. When people greet each other with “How do you do?”, they just ask each other the question. Neither one answers the other. That’s odd, don’t you think?
4147. Some people say, “Some things never change”. I’d like to know what world they inhabit, because, in my world and in the world of many others, nothing is exempt from change. Nothing.
4148. Sure, you can die happy, sad, lonely, angry. Does it matter how you die? I don’t think so. Such a big deal is made about dying happy, but you aren’t really gonna know whether you are when you do go, right?
4149. See, there’s been all kind of talk about how we’re not polite enough at sporting events. Oh, come on, polite? In my humble view, there’s a tacit agreement that applies as soon as you enter that venue stating that “common courtesy”, when applied toward the team opposing your team, involves obeying public decency laws and not much more. There’s a reason it’s called “hostile environment”; people should get off their butts and let the other team have it, and stop being such prigs. What do you want us to do, applaud for the opponent? No!
4150. If you go to college at a particular campus, at least 60% of the locations on that campus you’re asked to locate for lost drivers and pedestrians you won’t be able to locate yourself.
4151. It is proven that over 80% of males will be surprised at the length and density of their neck hair upon its first noticing. (I sure was!)
4152. If one does exist, point me toward a genuine raga version of Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall (Part II)”. If one does not exist, I would really love to have one made.
4153. Would it be too ironic for me to tell PETA to stop meddling in small affairs, that they have bigger fish to fry?
4154. There’s the destitute ordinary guy who doesn’t have two dimes to rub together. Then there’s the case of the destitute porno star…
4155. For those of you who are a little fuzzy on the concept of Christianity, think of it this way. God is both the driver of the car whose tires splash through the mud to ruin your $800 suit, and the dry cleaner who takes hours and hours to get it looking like new again.
4156. Did you hear the over-the-top joke about the ballerina? Oh, it’s just tutu funny…
4157. I wonder what it’s like to be married to – hell, even friends with – an executioner. I have to wonder whether they have a sense of humor. There’s something you don’t see often – an executioner with a bright personality.
4158. Strange… I’ve never heard someone just described as “bushy-tailed”. What does that mean, anyway? You always hear it with “bright-eyed”. It’s a kind of odd description for a human, don’t you think?
4159. I think those knit ski caps with the string ties hanging down form the sides are the damned ugliest things you can possibly put on your head, Ross Perot’s ears included.
4160. “Doctor, I’ve swallowed some concrete! Here’s the bag!” the patient screamed. The doctor took one look at the bag, and said. “Oh, good. Relax, you’ll be fine.” The patient asked, “What?!” “Oh, it’s quick-dry concrete. You’ll be cured in no time.”
4161. Nobody likes it when the rules are changed halfway through the game, right? So how the hell did George W. Bush get elected to the presidency twice?
4162. If you give ten monkeys each one electric razor, how long will it be before at least one face is clean-shaven?
4163. Just begging to be a tongue-twister: “You knew a new gnu in a muumuu who knew John Sununu.”
4164. Why can’t you take a picture of a woman with a burqa in Iran? Well, because you usually take a picture of someone with a camera. Duh…
4165. I’ll bet that about 70% of the driving population has at one time entertained the thought of taking off their pants while driving.
4166. Here’s a question for you to ponder. Does God wear pants? Or is He more of a toga kind of guy?
4167. There’s a serious website out there called “What Would Jesus Drive?” It aims to figure out what kind of car Jesus would drive if he were alive today. Personally, I don’t know if He would favor one car over another; that’s His thing. But something tells me He’d really enjoy the modern conveniences of air conditioning and cupholders.
4168. At the university I have attended, the most confusingly designed building on the campus is the psychology building. How apt is that? They don’t have to do any experiments there. They can just study the people getting frustrated trying to find their way around.
4169. I’d like to lament the transformation by my generation of a perfectly good adjective. The word is “mad”, and it now means “really, really”. “That car was going mad fast!” “This class is mad boring!” It was once just a fine adjective, now it’s an incredibly dumb adverb.
4170. It’s the tree whence quinine comes, and it’s also one of the coolest words to say in English: cinchona.
4171. Sorry if I sound overly corrective here, but, if you say “from whence”, as in “go back from whence you came”, you’re being redundant. “Whence” means “from where or what source”. It’s a niggling peeve of mine.
4172. I see all these tremendously out-of-shape people outside all the time smoking cigarettes. Then I hear all these people complain that they’re always out of shape. Well, you reap what you sow, people!
4173. Some vending machines have that scrolling message, reading something like, “(So-and so company) appreciates your service.” I wonder what the reaction would be like if the message were changed to “Hey. F—— you, buy some g—d—n candy. Now.”
4174. Gilbert Godfrey has had it made. He’s cornered his market. Whenever a casting director needs a part filled for an annoying tagalong or for the voice of a loud animated bird, I’d imagine he’d be the first one called.
4175. You hear all the time about people “making a name for” themselves. Well, no, even if you change your name, your parents are the ones who technically made a name for you before anything else.
4176. It’s not “obstensively”. It’s “ostensibly” or “ostensively”. Get it right!
4177. I can make the failsafe assertion that if you’re born American, and you don’t like Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”, or [gasp] have never heard of it, you either have lived in a cave of mud all your life, or might as well have lived in a cave of mud all your life.
4178. I’ve heard it asserted that it’s not possible to be “too nice”. Oh, get over it, of course it is. If you want to be taken advantage of, if you want to be duped out of everything, you can be as damn nice as you want.
4179. That would be really cool, to see something go so fast that it actually would make human heads spin 360 degrees on a vertical axis.
4180. I think I have an explanation for George W. Bush’s odd behavior. I’m convinced that he had a reminder note on his Oval Office desk saying, “Have you screwed your economy over today?”
4181. Have you ever found a hair or fiber of something in your mouth and wondered how the hell it got there? I’m sure you have. In fact, I’d bet it happens at least once a day to everyone.
4182. You may have heard of the quest for the so-called “Theory of Everything”, the attempt to encase explanation for all natural and universal phenomena into one neat little package. Well, I’ve got my own opinion on a Theory of Everything. It’s too complicated to explain in this space, but I can tell you here that its point of origin is Polly-O string cheese and a Whoopee Cushion.
4183. I know there’s already a male response to “The Vagina Monologues”, but I’ve got my own idea for one: “The Testicle Testimonies”. “If b---s could talk…”
4184. Man, can you imagine if two transvestites got into a minor car accident? It would be a gender-bender fender-bender! How fun would that be to say as a traffic reporter?
4185. Could you say that the salary of a pro basketball player, plus endorsements, minus fines, would be his net profit?
4186. A story recent at the time of this Thought describes an Oklahoma judge who was fired following allegations that he used a penis pump to masturbate behind the bench during trials. The news story included the trial of a man charged with murder. And – file this under “wrong choice of words” – the trial ended with a hung jury.
4187. You thought the cupholder was one of the greatest modern inventions? Get this. It’s a cupholder, but one side is fixed, and the other pivots on a hinge. Yes, it’s an adjustable cupholder! I’m speechless with awe.
4188. Sure, you can call her a stripper before and while she’s taking off her clothes. But what do you say after she’s taken her clothes off? She’s got nowhere to go but clothed. A post-strip artist? Pre-stripped? That’s something you could think about for hours…
4189. I’m making an official declaration here. The expression “best thing since sliced bread” is no longer valid. It’s now “best thing since adjustable cupholders”. (I still can’t get over it!)
4190. Could you say that bra straps can be called “cupholders”? (Oh, okay, I promise now.)
4191. What did the old-time mathematician say to the reliable abacus? “I’m counting on you!”
4192. What did integer 5 say to her husband, integer 6? “Nothing can come between us!”
4193. Oddly, I’ve never heard of an event which is promised to take at least two jiffies, split seconds, trices, or flashes. These single units of time always seem to fit perfectly.
4194. Oddly, I’ve never heard of an event which is promised to take at least two jiffies, split seconds, trices, or flashes. These single units of time always seem to fit perfectly.
4195. Seamstresses usually make good comedians, I’d imagine. They keep getting good material from their jobs every day.
4196. Why is it that, when people give a wink, they not only shut the one eye, but also squeeze the whole side of their face with the eye?
4197. On the credits for a movie, I saw the term “drapery foreman”. Drapery foreman? Were they just looking for a more manly way to say “head interior decorator”?
4198. It’s ironic that we play our good relationships in life opposite our relationships in poker. In life, you want to get them to raise you every time, and you never want them to fold.
4199. You know the standard definition of lovesickness, but I can define a different sort of lovesickness. It’s the increasing feeling of nausea as procrastination brings one closer to Valentine’s Day without having procured a gift.
4200. They say it’s not kosher to stereotype anyone based on age, sex, race, sexual orientation, nationality, and the like. Hey, that’s fine with me. I don’t stereotype that sort of thing. No, I prefer to confine the majority of my stereotypes to people with particularly egregious-looking piercings.
4201. If someone in a crowded elevator starts humming a tune, it is almost guaranteed that someone else will be humming the same tune on their way out of the elevator.
4202. The general rule for falling asleep to music is that the nights when you’re having the most trouble sleeping are the nights where the radio station plays all your favorite songs anyways; you won’t want to fall asleep in the middle of any of those songs anyway.
4203. So many people have a fear of the unknown, or, at least, that’s what they call it. I don’t think anyone has a gear of the unknown, really. It’s just their excuse, morbid as it may be, for not wanting to try new things.
4204. If walls could indeed talk, what would they say? I’d guess something like, “I’m bored stiff. Give me something to rub on,” or, perhaps, “Gosh, I hope I don’t get peed on today.”
4205. Such is the state of humanity that I have heard people get into arguments – vehement ones – over why the local news station one faithfully watches is better than the station the other follows. Ridiculous.
4206. Some people can do the trick of producing a quarter from behind the car of the subject, and giving the quarter to them. But I can produce earwax from within my ear and have the subject consume it while I produce several quarters for the subject from my pocket.
4207. Instincts are like nuclear weapons. In the hands of someone who doesn’t know how they work or when to use them, they can be ineffective and extremely damaging. But in the control of someone savvy enough to be judicious with their use, they’re viciously effective.
4208. I don’t think ad execs realize that making people remember the product and what it does is just half the battle. If they go so far as to make the ad annoyingly catchy, the people will remember the product, sure, but they’ll make the subconscious mental note not to buy it.
4209. There is only one thing that is more utterly stupid in this world than committing suicide, and it is attempting suicide and failing. You’re trying to end your life, which is dumb enough, but you still live – and you make yourself hurt even more!
4210. It’s said that the basis of any friendly or romantic relationship is trust. Well, let me go so far as to say that the basis of even a bad relationship is trust. If people call themselves enemies, there exists a trust that each will seek the other’s undoing; if that trust is gone, you can’t have enemies!
4211. I blame the creators of viruses, adware, spyware, and other malware, of course, for the damage they cause to computers. But I do not blame them for the propagation of these programs. That onus I place on computer users. If the human race weren’t so stupid, or gullible, or damn naïve, then none of that would ever have been a problem at all.
4212. There is a word for the two dots you put above the ï in “naïve”, and it is one of the coolest words in English. It’s called a diaeresis.
4213. There’s another thing that most people don’t know there’s even a special word for which also happens to be among the coolest English words. That cover you use to protect the arms or backs of sofas and couches isn’t just called a “furniture cover”. It’s called an antimacassar. It sounds like the name of an opponent to some European family rule in the Renaissance, or something, doesn’t it?
4214. You can always tell the ones at the part who overindulge on the cheese curls, because they’re the ones with the streaks of orange on the upper thighs of their pants.
4215. Out of the yearly average opera and ballet attendance, I would estimate that at least one out of every ten attendees are there simply because they were dragged there by family, friends, or significant others.
4216. Why is it that the bit of information that you rack your brain to remember never comes to you when you’re actually trying to remember it, but always pops into your head long since you stopped expending the effort to try to recall it?
4217. Old auto racers never die; they just fail to negotiate the final turn.
4218. Would it be too horridly inappropriate for the arm amputee to word a segue with the phrase, “On the other hand…”?
4219. As a general rule, any commercial selling adult undergarments, denture adhesive, laxatives, or erectile dysfunction pills should never use upbeat electric guitar music.
4220. Put this down on my “most fun words to say” list: polypeptide.
4221. Here’s a tremendous way to get really weird looks. Whenever someone asks you a “why” question, respond with, “Because you don’t have a large enough penis.”