T H E    P O S T – A B S U R D I S T    P L A Y    B Y    T I M    C R O C E

 

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BRICK WALL

 

D R A M A T I S    P E R S O N A E

in order of appearance

·        Truck Driver

·        Child

·        Custodian

·        Cat

·        Man

·        Trumpeter

·        Bad Golfer

 

A C T    O N E

 

Scene I

 

[camera cuts to playground brick wall, just at sunup]

[cue crickets chirping]

 

Scene II

 

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, 10 a.m.]

[cue truck driving past, engine sound fading]

 

Scene III

 

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, noon]

[cue sounds of children chattering; it is recess]

CHILD [running after ball]:  I got it!  I got it!

[CHILD hits wall hard, lies motionless]

CUSTODIAN [exasperated]:  Not again!

[CUSTODIAN takes push broom, sweeps CHILD off camera right]

[CUSTODIAN returns, tosses ball away, sprays blood off pavement]

[cue atomizer spray sound effect]

 

Scene IV

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, 3 p.m.]

[cue CAT playing with ball of yarn]

CAT:  Meow.

[cue birds chirping]

CAT:  Meow.

[CAT runs into wall, lies motionless]

CUSTODIAN [exasperated]:  Not again!

[CUSTODIAN takes push broom, sweeps CAT off camera right]

[CUSTODIAN returns, tosses yarn away, sprays blood off pavement]

[cue atomizer spray sound effect]

 

A C T    T W O

Scene I

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, 6 p.m.]

[MAN whistles “Dixie” off-camera]

[brick starts to rattle]

[brick “falls” off wall, as if released from spring in a cheesy visual effect]

[brick lands just in front of MAN]

[MAN is startled, passes out]

CUSTODIAN [exasperated]:  Not again!

[CUSTODIAN takes push broom, sweeps brick shards off camera right]

[CUSTODIAN returns, kicks MAN]

[MAN lies motionless]

CUSTODIAN:  Oh well.

[CUSTODIAN leaves camera right, MAN still unconscious]

 

Scene II

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, 10 p.m.]

[cue TRUMPETER “playing” trumpet, oblivious to rest of world]

[TRUMPETER tries to play middle C, cracks it with bad tone]

[TRUMPETER walks off camera; disappointed]

 

Scene III

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, 2 a.m.

[cue BAD GOLFER hitting ball off-camera]

[ball dribbles on camera]

[BAD GOLFER grumbles and swears]

BAD GOLFER [to nobody in particular]:  Fore!

[BAD GOLFER almost misses ball; ball rebounds off wall, hits BAD GOLFER in head]

BAD GOLFER:  Ow.

[BAD GOLFER collapses]

CUSTODIAN:  Hmm.

[CUSTODIAN takes golf club, swings club several times, accidentally hits BAD GOLFER in head]

[BAD GOLFER grunts muffled, waking up MAN briefly]

[CUSTODIAN walks away, admiring club, leaving BAD GOLFER and MAN lying unconscious]

 

Scene IV

[blackout; camera cuts to playground brick wall, 6 a.m.]

[BAD GOLFER and MAN yet still lying as crickets chirp and TRUCK DRIVER drives by]

[CHILD runs as if chasing ball, but no actual ball exists; hits ball, lands on BAD GOLFER]

[CAT plays with phantom ball of yarn, bumps head on wall and lands on CHILD]

[MAN gets up, but, thinking that brick has fallen in front of him, falls back down unconscious]

[TRUMPETER plays phantom trumpet, looks disappointed, walks away]

[BAD GOLFER gets up, swings imaginary club at wall, thinks that golf ball has hit him, falls on MAN unconscious]

CUSTODIAN [struggling with push broom, exasperated]: Not again!

[CUSTODIAN throws down push broom in frustration, walks away]

 

C U R T A I N

 

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