 |
| What Really Goes On In A Band Meeting |
| By Fran Doty |
| (who refuses to reveal her imaginary sources) |
| ...already in progress |
| LARRY: ...and those are the final numbers.� We actually made a decent return this time. |
| EDGE: Well, I think we can pat ourselves on the back for surviving another year long tour without killing each other... |
| BONO: ...and no small animals were hurt. |
| EDGE: True, very true.� I'm passing 'round a calendar so those of us who are "expecting" again can pencil in our due dates and that'll give us a basic idea of how to plan our year coming up. |
| BONO: What? Again, Edge? |
| LARRY: Erm, me, too. |
| ADAM: My dog's expecting - does that count? |
| LARRY: You don't have a dog! |
| BONO: uh, uh, no pets on the plane! |
| EDGE: I agree. Now that we've finally gotten YOU paper-trained. |
| (BONO shoots rubber band across the room, which EDGE completely ignores) |
| ADAM: Alright, let's talk art! |
| BONO: I wish we could keep the heart - I really liked that runway! |
| ADAM: And yet you still managed to fall off it. |
| LARRY: Nope; can't repeat ourselves.� Willie's coming in next month to toss around some ideas with us; he's on extended holiday till then. |
| EDGE: Right.� Bono and I have a few things we already working on; I'll bring cassettes to the next meeting so we can get can some input. |
| LARRY: Good. |
| BONO: Do we really want to head into the studio already? I probably won't be deemed fit for the house till we've practically finished it! |
| (The other three snigger) |
| BONO: What? |
| EDGE: I thought you were getting better? |
| BONO: Yeah right - I dropped the kids off last night; she had a hammock made up for me on the porch! |
| ADAM: Here's the key to the guest house. |
| BONO: Thanks.� At least I can do some painting.� Oh, I almost forgot - let me have that calendar; I've another trip to Africa coming up. |
| LARRY: How's that going? |
| BONO: Slow and steady.� Now I know what it's like to actually have to work for a living... |
| LARRY: And? |
| BONO: Then there's a economic summit in... |
| LARRY: Bono... |
| BONO: I know, I know!� I'm handing stuff off, but if they need me, I gotta go, right? |
| ADAM: Larry's right, you know, we need you focused. |
| EDGE: There are some things you can do from here that would still be helpful and not as high profile. |
| ADAM: We need a new charity.� How about nature conservation? |
| LARRY: Doesn't Greenpeace cover that? |
| BONO: Save the owls! |
| EDGE: ...but not the spotted ones - they're too trendy. |
| ADAM: Save the buffalo!� Oh, too late. |
| BONO: Oh, you're bad. |
| EDGE: We could throw our weight behind a certain species of mushrooms. |
| LARRY: If I have to hear that "secrets of the universe" story one more time... |
| BONO: If you want to talk legislation, how about a referendum calling for a tax break for elderly bikers to help with upkeep and insurance on their bikes? |
| LARRY: Ah, Bono, you're not that old. |
| BONO: Hey, I'm planning for your future, too, Junior! |
| LARRY: We could start a grass roots graffiti clean-up campaign. |
| BONO: I'll have veto that one. |
| EDGE: Bad memories. |
| ADAM: Does Ireland have any legislation on parental leave? |
| (He gets three silent stares) |
| ADAM: Just trying to be supportive of me mates. |
| EDGE: That's it! We can start our own support group! |
| ADAM: Over-populators Anonymous? |
| BONO: Guitar lessons for guys who want to play guitar really badly. |
| LARRY: You could be the instructor! |
| EDGE: Mirrors for needy egoists? |
| (Several pubs later, the meeting resumes) |
| BONO: We could give away sunglasses to the homeless. |
| ADAM: Exotic lingerie for cross-dressers. |
| BONO: Yeah, with LOTS of support!! |
| EDGE: As long as they don't use owl feathers. |
| BONO: Beginning Cosmetics for men who have no idea what to do first. |
| LARRY: Stocking caps for the homeless! |
| ADAM: Support stocking caps for the homeless! |
| EDGE: Support nude photography. |
| ADAM: At least I have something to support... |
| LARRY: A twelve step program for rock stars who drink unidentified beers on TV. |
| BONO: Eh? |
| LARRY: I was bored; started watching some of the old ZOO TV stuff... |
| BONO: Fuck, we gotta get you back into the studio. |
| EDGE: Meeting adjourned? |
| ADAM: I think I'm going to throw up. |
| BONO: I second that. |
| LARRY: The adjournment or the throwing up? |
| BONO: Both! |
| EDGE: All in favor say, "BARF!!" |
| ADAM: Last one out of the loo pays the bar tab! |
| LARRY: Oh, fuck. |
| EDGE: What is it? |
| LARRY: I forgot to release the rumours that we were breaking up again. |
| (General mumbling) |
| BONO: Good job, Lawrence. |