Humorous Quotes
Screw the planet, save yourself
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I just don't get it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
One thing, vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically mean disqualification
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best
You cannot teach a crab to walk straight.
Imagine a donut, fired from a cannon at the speed of light while rotating. Time is like that, except without the cannon and the donut.
It'll work, but it'll be ugly!
I never drink water, fish fornicate in it.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
THE END IS NEAR. LOOK BUSY.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Silly is a state of mind, stupid is a way of life
Of Course I'm crazy, That doesn't mean I'm wrong
Monday is the root of all evil
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
Learn how to laugh at yourself you'll never cease being amused
There's too much blood in my alcohol stream
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
"Mmmm, Gummy-beer."
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
When you're run down the best thing to take is the licence number
Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up
Be alert...the world needs more lerts
Gravity always wins
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call them and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
It's a pity you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
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