No, This Movie Doesn't Feature Mel Gibson's Butt
So I called my friend Bill, because I'm dedicating this month to him, and asked him if there are any recent movies he'd like me to check out, because so far I been watching older movies.
After he thought for a moment, he said, "Oh! Yeah! There's this movie called 'Naked Weapon'."
"Dude, I seen 'Lethal Weapon' already", I said.
"NO!! 'Naked Weapon'!"
"OHH! Ok."
"But it's hard to find."
D'oh!! Well, actually he was wrong, I found it quite easily. Just go to the video store, go to "New Releases" and look near the N's. Viola!
The film opens in Rome and three cops, two of them not given names because they will get killed later on, and Jack Chen, who is a rookie, are staking out this chick named Fiona. She was reported missing some years ago and has now sprung up because she's going around killing white horny guys. RICH white horny guys.
Fiona goes into this rich white horny guy's apartment and has sex with him non-stop while the three cops are watching, somehow, on a monitor in their car. After the hot steamy sex, Fiona's giving the dude a backrub when she makes the fatal mistake many people giving a massage does: she pulls out his spinal column with her bare hands.
I hate it when my girlfriend does that, it's such a bitch to put back.
Realizing their boss is dead, they chase after Fiona, but she has some kick ass kung fu movies, BITCH!! She kicks this way and that way, shoots this way, stabs that way, and so on. She manages to get outside and into a car whn some dude comes out with a rocket launcher and blows up the car.
It's at this point when the cops wake up and move into action. And as I stated previously, they get killed. Jack, who was getting sandwiches the whole time, joins the fun and pulls Fiona out of the wreck when this mysterious woman in a limo pulls up and shoots her, then drives away.
Some time later after the opening credits, Jack is investigating the disappearance of 40 missing girls from different parts of the world, all aged 13 and into sports and kung fu. It turns out they are recurited by the mysterious woman in the limo, named Madam M. She lives on some island with body guards who all looked like Vin Diesel (oh the pain) and it all turns out she kidnapped these girls and the island is a boot camp. Except you never go home. And you are trained to be an assassin.
The point? Hell if I know. But they made it a point a few times to show how evil this whole thing is when one girl refuses to stay on the island and a Vin Diesel dude shoots her. Then later a whole bunch of girls try to escape and they too are shot.
Then we meet two girls, Charlene and Kathine, known as Katt, who become rather close since meeting on this hell island. There's a montage of all the girls being trained in various things such as shooting a gun, how to break someone's spine, how to be a supermodel, and how to give oral sex properly. I'm kidding about one of those things, you just have to guess which one.
Six years go by and Charlene and Katt become closer, so close I'm waiting for them to make out at any given point, they keep looking at each other, touching each other, wearing flannel, listening to The Indigo Girls... But nothing ever happen.
One night, Madam M walks into the room where they all sleep in, "Kill the girl closest to you and bring their bodies out. You have two minutes." I know, what the fuck, right? Well, this is all part of "the training" and they go ahead with it. Among the survivors is Charlene, Katt, some short haired French chick, a quiet Psycho chick named Jane, and a talkative valley girl chick who bugs Jane quite a lot.
The next day, Madam M takes them to this cage where they all have to fight each other and whoever is left alive, graduates. Charlene goes in first, kicks some major ass until it's time for Katt, Jane, and the Valley Girl to go in. Jane kills the Valley Girl (who didn't see that coming?) then all three go at it until Madam M stops them and says, "You know what? I want a modern day Charlie's Angels, so you three graduate. Come to my place for dinner where I will slip you a sleeping pill and the Vin Diesel clones will rape you."
Then all of that happens. Very graphically. Oh, that was a test too. Man, them people in Hong Kong make weird movies.
So now Charline, Katt, and Jane are all assassins and, well, they kill people, for whatever reason, which is never said so this is all just sort of happening for no reason. Charline is on a mission in Spain and gets herself in a bind, but Katt shows up and helps her escape, but just barely.
Jack, the rookie cop from six years ago, is now working for the F.B.I somehow and is on the case of the people from Spain that Charlene killed. He gets her DNA and sees it matches, so he goes and tells Charlene's mother, who's been a nervous wreck for six years, that, hey, your daughter is alive, but she's killing rich horny guys. Of course the mother doesn't believe this.
The next day, some important guy is at some boat racing festival when Charlene shoots him while both her mom and Jack are present. Jack chases her to an ice cream truck where he learns about the island and whatnot and wants to help her. She coldcocks him with a gun.
Later that night, Jane is sent to kill Charlene's mother because she now know that Charlene is alive, but Charlene steps in and kicks Jane's ass. Jack takes Mom to the hospital where he promises Charlene he'll watch after her. Oh, I should mention that he's falling in love with her.
Charlene wants to get out of this business, but Madam M tells her "one more job" then that's it. It's always the "one more job and that's it" ploy. Another example of this is "The Mexican".
Charlene is hired by this guy named Ryuichi, or Ric cause I don't feel like typing all of that out again, to kill this guy named Kenji. It all turns out to be a set up by Ric because they killed some guy of his that he liked very much so he kills Madam M and is after Katt and Charlene next. Ric manages to get Katt, but he only drugs Charlene with an aphrodesiac. And of course she calls Jack and they get it on on a beach somewhere. The next day, she leaves him a Dear John (or Jack in this case) letter saying she was trained to kill so I can't have a normal life. Sorry.
Then she goes after Ric to save Katt, who has her tied up like a marionette and plays her like one, until he cuts off her head. Charlene reflects on all the quasi-lesbian moments they had together. Oh and now, it's personal!!
Charlene and Ric have a very impressive fight, using a whole lot of fancy kung fu moves and styles and just when things look bleak...
Eh, I won't give it away. This is a kung fu movie, you gotta see the styling of the fight for yourself, it's just awesome. And because it is a kung fu movie, the story and actions in the movie is a tad bit unbelieveable, but the fighting and direction is just neat. Oh, and girls aren't so bad looking either. So if you like kung fu movies, you should get a kick out of this. If you are a weird pervert who likes to see 13 year old girls doing push-ups in the ocean while wearing white tank tops, you too will get a kick out of this.
You freak.
3 stars.
"Naked Weapon" on IMDb.com:
www.imdb.com/title/tt0341495/