| The Transporter
Starring Jason Statham and Some Cars |
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| The Transporter-Played by Jason Statham. His name is Frank in the movie, but I think it's cooler to call him The Transporter. My girlfriend seems to have a thing for this guy. I think movie producers call on him if Bruce Willis isn't available. Anyway, this guy's job is to carry people and/or things from Point A to Point B. Hence, the name. Lai-Chinese chick who was one of the "packages" The Transporter was carrying. She spends the first 35 minutes of the movie with tape on her mouth. The Inspector-I couldn't figure out the relationship between him and The Transporter. I dunno if they're friends or what. But he seems to know a lot more than he let's on about The Transporter. Mr. Bad Guy-He was the one who was suppose to be expecting Lai, in package form. Apparently he's the go-to guy if you want Chinese slaves. Lai's Father-That's about it. Is somehow involved with the Chinese slave thingy going on. Random Thugs-All get their asses kicked by The Transporter. BMW's-Since the movie makes it a point to make the car's in this movie a character, I'll mention them under the character's heading. |
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| While watching this movie, I couldn't help but notice that it was somewhat similar to "The Professional" or "Leon" or "Leon: The Professional". Then I find out "The Transporter" is co-written by the writer/director of "Leon: The Professional" Luc Besson. So that explains a lot.
We see Jason Statham's character, The Transporter, in one of several cars that make a cameo apperance in this movie, on his way to a bank robbery. His job, basically, is to drive from Point A to Point B carrying whatever in his car. He's pretty anal about it too. If it goes over a certain amount of weight in his car, he'll make you kill one of your guys so you all fit. Then we get a 20 minute police car chase with Statham doing some pretty neat driving tricks. One of them is the most unbelieveable things ever: he jumps onto one of those semi trucks that transports (HA!) cars to dealerships. There just so happened to be a empty space on the truck... Anyway, after dropping off the robbers and cleaning up his car, we meet his friend, I guess, The Inspector. That's the one flaw in this movie. This movie is so vague that we don't hardly get any names. It gets frustrating later on too. Anyway, The Inspector comes by looking for cars similar to The Transporter's, knowing it was involved in a robbery. But since there are about 100 or so cars like that in this country, which I'm guessing is France, The Inspector can't really hold him on anything. The Transporter's next job is to carry a big duffle bag to some guy's house. Since one of his rules is "No names", we never find out anyone's name. The random thugs put the bag into The Transporter's trunk and he takes off driving. When he gets a flat and has to open the trunk, he finds that the bag is moving on it's own! This would probably freak me out and would cause me to beat it silly with a tire iron. But that's just me. Not trying to think about it, he changes the tire and continues on his way. After stopping for a quick refreshment, he gets a drink for whatever may be inside. After opening it, he finds it's a girl! Whoa! This is one lucky gig! She drinks the liquid and after a while screams her head off. She says she has to pee, so he lets her do so, but she gives him the slip. He easily finds her, stuffs her into the trunk, and arrives at the destination of Mr. Bad Guy. Mr. Bad Guy isn't given a name, at all, and I'm frankly a little peeved at that, and I'm peeved that I have to think of a clever and funny name for him for this review, so to spite this movie, I'm giving him a generic name. Take that, Besson! Mr. Bad Guy gives The Transporter another package to deliever somewhere, which he takes. After another stop to eat something (he must be diabetic or something), his car blows up. This pisses him off so much he goes back to Mr. Bad Guy's house, kick's some random thug's ass, and steals one of Mr. Bad Guy's cars. The kidnapped girl, Lai, manages to sneak into said car. Everyone in this movie must have a 10-leaf clover in their pocket or something. He jumps onto a truck with an opening for a car and she manages to somehow know which one of the 18 cars Mr. Bad Guy has that The Transporter is going to take. Anyway, The Transporter relucatly takes Lai along with him to his crib. After spending the night, going through his personal belongings, and making him a huge breakfast in the morning, The Inspector arrives telling him he found his blown up car at the rest stop. The Transporter tells him it was stolen and he doesn't know how it got blown up or why there were two bodies of two cops in the trunk. If you seen the movie, you know why the cops where there. If you didn't, when you see the movie, you'll know why. I don't really feel like getting into it just now. After telling a bunch more lies to The Inspector, he leaves and just a mere 25 seconds after he leaves, Mr. Bad Guy's Thugs arrive with missles, bazookas, nuclear devices, hell probably even Weapons of Mass Destruction and blow his house up good. With some left over 10-leaf clovers, The Transporter and Lai escape through a water hole thingy he has set up...somewhere...somehow. The illogicalness of this movie hurts my brain. They arrive 15 hours, I'm guessing, later at some random house where they immedately get naked and "do the nasty" all night long. I need me some 10-leaf clovers. After cleaning up the result of their love making (If he does it the same way he fights there's gonna be a huge mess afterwards), they talk to The Inspector about the blown up car. While he leaves his office, Lai looks up Mr. Bad Guy's police info and after leaving the station, they pay him a visit at his office. Now I realize this all doesn't resemble a plot. It's basically just cars and houses blowing up and wet Chinese chicks getting naked and Jason Statham walking around shirtless and kicking ass, and let's not forget cars. We finally stumble to the plot but even that is so vague I'm not even sure what exactly was going on. They visit Mr. Bad Guy in his office after Lai tells The Transporter that he has some Chinese people in a container on a ship, and they'll be used as slaves. There's so many things wrong with that sentence, let's break it down, shall we? How the hell, in today's time's, are you still going to have slaves. I mean, wouldn't that be suspecious if you owned one? Imagine having someone come over and they see a scared Chinese person, in dirty clothes, in the corner, holding a tray. What do you say? "Oh, that's just my Slave. I named him Squinty Eyes! HAHA!!" No, it just doesn't happen. The next thing I don't get is why Chinese people? How do you smuggle Chinese people TO FRANCE?! If it was America, land of the free, yeah, ok, talk them into it, saying "Hey, we're going to America, but there's a loophole." No, we're in France. Good luck convincing a bunch of people from one country to go to France for freedom. And finally, how does she know all this? Well, you'd think the movie would tell us, but no. We sort of in a way, kinda get a clue when Lai's father walks in. Apparently he's in on this, somehow. Yet again, none of this is explained. And he doesn't have a name either. Lai's Father knocks The Transporter out right when The Inspector arrives. He takes him to jail when Mr. Bad Guy presses charges. The Transporter tells him the entire truth finally and The Inspector believes him and lets him go after them. Basically, the next 45 minutes is just some ass kicking while The Transporter tries to find the container with the Chinese Slaves. We are even treated to a scene where a bunch of oil is spilled and the way he manages to walk around on it, and I'm serious here, is put bike pedal's on his feet. Now, granted I never used them to walk around on oil, but I've had my feet slip off of bike pedals plenty of times in the rain. I doubt they'd be any good use to walk around in oil, especially when kicking some ass. Oh, and for the ladies out there, he's shirtless throughout this ass kicking. Afterwards, he finds the trucks that are taking off to somewhere. I'm guessing they're going to some French guy who bought a lot of Chinese slaves. Anyway, The Transporter takes off, in a pretty crappy car, which he treats like a BMW, so of course it blows up. Then the most unbelieveable thing happens. He manages to outrun a fuckin airplane. I had to call a foul on that. I don't care how good of shape you're in, you can't outrun a motherfuckin' airplane, I'm sorry. But he does it and he arrives just when it lands. Taking the pilot hostage, he makes him fly over the highway the Bad Guy's are on. More ass kicking ensues, Mr. Bad Guy gets every bone in his body broken when he's thrown out of a moving truck, and he manages to stop the truck with the Chinese slaves. But Lai's Father arrives and is about to kill him when Lai kills her own father. I call this the Luke Skywalker Syndrome. Of course, there's a kissing scene, The Inspector arrives, and the Chinese slaves are free at last, free at last, thank GOD almighty, they're free at last!! |
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| Now, it may sound like I didn't like this movie. True, there are gaping plot holes. But this is an action flick and I guess in action flicks you do need to turn your brain off and just enjoy the ass kicking. Plus having something for the ladies (shirtless Jason Statham) doesn't hurt either.
3 stars. |
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