May Is The Loneliest Number-er-Girl That You'll Ever See
I was grateful that when I saw "Mulholland Drive" I wasn't reviewing it for this project because I never would've known how to put it into words. That movie was so strange and out there that no one would've understood a word I would've wrote about it.
But, alas, I come across a movie called "May", and I have the misfortune of reviewing it for my project, and now I have the difficult task of putting this movie into words.
So, where shall I begin? At the beginning, duh.
We are introduced to the title character May as a child. She has a lazy eye that'd make Thom Yorke go "Ouch, that must hurt." So what does her mother do? Puts an eye patch on the GOOD eye. This didn't make sense to me but I tried not to let it bother me. Needless to say, kids pick on her.
Because kids pick on her, her mom gives her this fragile porcelin doll in a glass case, and pretty much says to May, "HERE! This is your new best friend!"
We flash forward to May as an adult and she is getting contacts to correct the lazy eye, so now she isn't so bad looking. She works as a veternarian assistant, along with Anna Faris, who isn't given a name until about an hour into the movie.
God, I hate when movies do that, don't you? Anyway, Anna's name in the movie is Polly.
May starts to obsess over this car mechanic dude named Adam, because he has nice hands. She eventually works up the courage to get herself noticed at a coffe shop when she rubbed her face in his hands...while he was snoozing...at the coffee shop. Yeah.
She sees him at the laundromat (Great meeting place) and he gives her his cigarettes, so she takes up smoking because of this guy. Great, thanks dude.
Oh, I should note that Polly keeps making weird sexual suggestions around and to May. Just keep that in the back of your mind.
I should also point out that May talks to the doll, which she still has in the glass case. Ok, back to the movie.
May and Adam have lunch at a park and he asks her if she'd like to go back to her place. She says yes and they go. Inside, hanging on the wall, is some weird art pieces that were probably once owned by Charles Manson. Or Marilyn Manson. Or both. But May likes it and immedately kisses him, but does it kinda wrong and he insults her. She takes her frustrations out on the doll.
The next day, week, month, year, whatever, she invites Adam over to her place and he brings a movie he made in college. It's called "Jack and Jill" and there is no dialoge, just the song "Do Wah Diddy" being played, which a guy, probably Jack, and a girl, probably Jill, are having a picinic. Then she sucks on Jack's finger and...
Bites the finger off. He, in turns, bite a chunk of her arm off. And this goes on for another 10 minutes until it just ends. Well, this turns May on and they try to have sex, but she gets inspiration from the movie and bits Adam's lip off, which sort of puts him off and he runs away screaming.
Man, it's people like her that watch Beavis and Butt-head and start burning the place down, then they move it to a midnight time slot, which mean half of it's intended audience can't see it. Grr, stupid people. You're all stupid.
Anyway, sort of bummed out, May talks to Polly, who finally admits she is a lesbian, after making a subtle pussy joke, and wants to do May. Oh, and May agrees to take car of Polly's pussy....cat. Named Lupe.
So...yeah...there's a five minute lesbian scene...
Yep.
Lesbian...scene. Five minutes. Anna Faris and...that May chick. Yep.
Ok, you get the point.
But when May decides to go back to Polly for seconds, Polly is busy with another girl, named Ambrosia. Not knowning where else to turn, she become a volunteer at a school for the blind kids. She decides it's a good idea to bring in her doll to "show" them, but they end up breaking it, touching the glass, and bleeding all over the damn place.
Now she's really pissed off and decides she's not gonna take it anymore. So what does a lonely girl do to seek the perfect companion ship? Go to Yahoo! Chat? Nope. Sign up for e-harmony.com? Nope.
She decides to chop some people and build her own damn human being! WOO!!!
Oh, and I should mention she accidently kills the cat Lupe, but keeps dragging it around for days afterwards, eventually stuffing it in the freezer.
Boy, talk about a cold pussy.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
Anyway, while out studying people, she comes across a punk dude with crazy hair and for some odd reason, he takes a liking to May. So she takes him home with her and while acting strange...man, do I have to say it???
Alright! He took his shirt off and then asked if he could rub ice cubes on his nipples. Why did you make me type that? WHY?!?!?!
Anyway, while getting the ice cubes, he finds the dead frozen pussy and when he freaks, May stabs him in the forehead with scissors.
The next day, apparently, is Halloween and she dressed up like the doll, which is cool until she starts walking down the street and people kept saying "Hey! Nice costume!" All she did was paint herself white and put on a blood red dress. Did everyone think she was Uma Thurman or something? I didn't get it.
Anyway, she goes to Polly's first and because May has a thing for her neck, stabs Polly in the temple (ouch) and chops off her head and body. Later, Ambrosia shows up and because May has a thing for her legs, she stabs her in the temple (ouch) and chops off her body and takes the legs.
Well, it don't take a genius where she's heading to next.
Adam opens the door and his new girlfriend, another person who wasn't given a name (Grr I hate that!! GIVE THEM NAMES SCREENWRITERS!!), is there and makes everything uncomfortable by feeling up on Adam. May goes psycho and stabs the girlfriend, then stabs Adams and chops off his hands.
So now comes the fun part of any bloody puzzle: putting the pieces together. So she does so by putting the punk guy's arms, Adam's hands, Polly's neck, and Ambrosia's legs together on...hmm...I don't recall ever seeing a torso. What's up with that?
Well, this thing does haven't a head either, so she makes one out of yarn, bunched up cloth's, and the doll's eyes, and names "it" Amy, which is an anagram for May if you haven't figure it out. But May gets pissed when Amy "can't really see her"...soooooo....
What's that? You wanna see a scene where May stabs her eye out with some scissors? Oh, it's gotta be the bad eye? Coming up!
She plops the eye on the thing and...well...bleeds to death next to the thing.
The end.
Thankfully, this movie wasn't as painful as the last three I watched this month has been. I liked the dark tones and all the blood and gore. But I'm sure there are people who would be put off on the whole thing. And I guess I don't blame them. I'm just glad this wasn't another crappy horror-type movie. Maybe the reason for that is cause this was independently made, where has the last three were big budget Hollywood movies.
I'm beginning to see everyone's point about how awful Hollywood is now.
I am now a new man.
4 stars.
"May" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0303361/