Nice Combination of Guns, Money, and Porno
Usually I began these reviews with something funny or a story that is related to the movie, but I would rather just start the review because my head is swimming with the dozens of characters featured in this movie. And because there are so many characters, I thought it would be better to pair them up into groups so you, the reader, won't be confused.
The Main Group consists of Tom (Or Thom?), Soap (Because he tries to keep clean by not getting in trouble, Bacon (No explanation given), and Eddie, who is the master card player in the group and the one responsible for this plot.
The Mob Guys consists of Harry The Hactchet and his sidekicks, Barry The Baptist. Barry got his nickname because he likes to drown people while trying to get information from people. I don't really understand that, though, because all through the movie he treatens to cut off fingers instead of drowning, but eh, guess it doesn't matter.
The Stoner Group consists of Charlie, Willie, and J. They make weed for everyone, including Rory, this black crazy dude who really doesn't belong in a group, he's just some type of black mob guy. Also mixed in with the Stoner Group is this chick Gloria, who doesn't do much unless she is threatened.
I hope at this point you're still with me, I still have to get to the story.
The Neighbors consists of Dog and Plank and two other guys who probably have weirder names. Dog is the leader of the Neighbors gang and I'm calling them The Neighbors Gangs because they are Eddie's next door neighbors.
And the rest of the characters that are just on their own are:
Nick The Greek, who is just some big Greek guy who buys things and sell things, mainly stolen things.
Big Chris, played by Vinnie Jones, who played Bullet Tooth Tony in "Snatch", and his son Little Chris. They are sort of like hitmen for Harry. By the way, Little Chris is about 8 years old, in case you were wondering.
Gary and Dean, two guys who are hired by Barry to do something that I'll get into in a minute, I don't wanna get ahead and REALLY confuse everyone.
J.D, Eddie's Father, played by Sting, of all people, and his little hitman type guy named Alan, who is our narrator.
Whew...those are your characters. If you're still with me, let's go, shall we?
Eddie is invited to play a card game that I don't understand cause I'm not British nor am I a card player. Eddie was invited by Harry because he heard Eddie is a pretty damn good card player. So He, Harry, two other guys, and a old chick play cards in a boxing ring (Maybe what led up to "Snatch", I dunno). Harry, however, is cheating because he installed hidden cameras all around and is having Barry watch the monitor and through a complex system involving a telegraph machine tied to Harry's leg, Barry tells him what cards Eddie is holding.
Harry realizes he has Eddie beat and throws in 500 thousand pounds, which Eddie doesn't have. Through some weird rule, Eddie can continue with the game if someone lends him the money. Well, Harry, being the kind fellow he is, agrees to loan Eddie the money. Eddie doesn't accept it at first but Harry told him there was no choice and so Eddie accepts it and loses. Harry gives Eddie a week to pay him or else Barry is gonna start drowning his fingers.
Eddie knows this is serious because he heard a story about this guy named Smithy who owed Harry money and when Smithy didn't pay it back, Harry killed him with a 15 inch fake cock. Not in the manner you are probably thinking of. So he and the other guys in The Main Group have to come up with all that money in a week and tries to figure out how.
Harry, in the meantime, hires Gary and Dean to steal some very old antique guns from some guy's house, so they go to steal them and Dean, who has an English guy 'fro, gets shot in said 'fro, and suffers from some type of brain damage. Well, they didn't know what kind of guns they were looking for and gave Harry every other gun in the house...except for the antique ones, which they sold to Nick The Greek.
Also in the meantime, The Stoners are making all kinds of crazy money from selling their stuff. Plank, who buys the stuff from them, sees the kind of money they make, so he runs over to Dog and tells them in which Dog comes up with a plan.
Eddie, who lives in a very crappy apartment (flat), overhears The Neighbor's talking about said plan and realizes this is the way to get the half a million. He tells the rest of The Main Group about the plan and they all go for it. But they realize they need guns, so Tom asks Nick The Greek to supply them with guns. And since Nick The Greek just aquired some guns...hey what a small world, huh?
So both The Main Group and the Neighbor's plan their heist. The Main Group realizes that there's weed involved and they don't want any of it, so they ask Nick The Greek if anyone would be interested in buying it from them. He asks the only person he knows that would, which would be Rory, the crazy British version of Samuel L. Jackson.
The Neighbors go to The Stoners to steal their money but they didn't count on this steel cage that surrounds the front door to prevent things like this from happening. Dog is upset cause Plank assured them it would be open. So Dog shoots J, Willie shoots Plank with a BB gun, and one of Dog's posse is carrying some type of machine gun that Rambo would be pround to use in his collection. Realizing the danger they're in, Willie opens the gate and let's Dog and the rest of The Neighbors steal the money. But there's one thing they didn't count on: G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloria!!!
See, Gloria is stoned almost all the time, so she's quiet and keeps to herself and blends in well cause she wears the same color clothing as the couch. So Gloria leaps up, grabs the Rambo machine gun, and goes berserk. This scene was very impressive but dissappointing cause she didn't really shoot anyone. Dog ties her up and the rest take the money and weed to the van.
While doing so, they spot a "traffic warden" writing them a ticket. They take care of this by beating him up and throwing him in the van. Once the money and weed is packed, they go back to their place, where our heros, The Main Group, is waiting for them.
Things go very very smoothly and The Main Group get the money and weed. So, naturally, all Eddie has to do is pay Harry, sell the weed, and make out like bandits. Well, this is a Guy Ritchie film, the British Quentin Tarentino if you will, things don't work out that smoothly. Eddie gives Nick the weed, Nick gives the weed to Rory, Rory agrees to buy it but wants to make sure it's actually weed so he takes it to his weed supplier, who just happen to be The Stoners. If you missed it, The Main Group stole Rory's weed, but didn't know it was his weed, so Rory thinks Nick and his group did it all on purpose and is pretty pissed off.
Dog is pissed off too and wants to find the arseholes that stole the money he stole. He finds out when he pushes Plank into his wall, which he fell through and stumbled into Eddie's place, finding the money and weed.
Barry tells Gary and Dean to get the antique guns back or else they're gonna be dead. I should point out they don't realize they're dealing with Harry. So they ask Nick to give it back to them, he says he doesn't have it but tells them who does. Dog and his gang wait inside Eddie's for him to return to get payback. Rory found out from Nick that Eddie is responsible for stealing the weed, so he goes to Eddie's with his crew. Harry sends Big Chris to get the money from Eddie so HE goes to Eddie's place.
What happens when all of these characters meet up in one place? Total bloodshed! Lots and lots of it. Everyone but Dog and Willie gets shot. Willie steals his weed back and Dog takes the money and the antique guns but Chris finally shows up, punches Dog, and takes said items.
This description of the movie sounds confusing, I know, but bare with me, we're almost done.
Chris takes the guns and the money to Harry's. Eddie, who found his place covered with dead guys, calls Harry to tell him the money got stolen only to find out that Harry thinks Eddie gave Chris the money himself but wants to know how the guns got in his possession. So Eddie has to get to Harry's to explain himself.
Dean and Gary, meanwhile, pump themselves up and decide to get the guns from Chris, because they don't know he works for Harry, someone they don't know. They rush into Harry's office, but Harry and Barry shoot them, but they shoot back so THEY'RE all dead when Eddie arrives.
Eddie takes the money, Tom takes the guns, and they both am-scray. Dog, meanwhile, holds Little Chris hostage and demands that Big Chris get the money and guns back. But Chris rams the car into Eddie's car, then beats the living shit out of Dog. He finds Eddie and The Main Group knocked out, takes the money back, and goes back into Harry's office.
During the epilogue, The Main Group are clear of all charges and all debts, except Tom kept the guns. The rest of The Group tell him to throw it off a bridge, so he goes to do so. Chris finds them, gives them their bag, saying he is now unemployed so he helped himself to some of the money. Make that, ALL of the money. But he gave them a book with details on how much those guns are worth. So they all scramble to call Tom to stop him from throwing the guns into the river. He's about to when the phone rings...what does he do first? Answer the phone or throw the guns in? We'll never know! Mu-hahahaha!!!
Wow, I didn't think I could describe this movie. I think I did, anyway. It does sound like a tad bit much since there are over 20 characters involved with this plot, which cris-crosses each other. But the movie itself is very, very kick ass and very obvious that Guy Ritchie was inspired by Tarentino, which isn't a bad thing. Now if I had to compare this movie to "Snatch" I'd have to draw a tie. I think they're both good in their own right. But "Snatch" does have more big named stars in it, but this one does have that independent film feel to it, so who's to say?
Oh, and Mr. Ritchie? Please don't make any more movies with your wife, ok? Thank you, we'd appreciate it.
4 stars.
"Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120735/