Based On A True Story by Parents Searching For Tickle-Me-Elmo
You ever have this problem? It's two days before Christmas and you have all the gifts ready and wrapped and under the tree just waiting to be ripped open on Christmas day, and you find out that little Johnny and/or Susie absolutely needs a certain toy, one that you didn't get them, and absolutely hate another toy, the one you did get them? And if you don't give them the one they want they'll hate you for all of eternity, dragging you on to Jerry Springer telling you that they're gay/lesbian Neo-Nazi Aliens who slept with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
I know, it happens all the time. Well, back in 1997 someone made a movie about it called "Jingle All The Way", this weeks Friday Night movie.
It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger (I'm not typing that again, I took 2 coffee breaks just typing it once), who plays Howard a very busy corporate guy who never has time for his super hot wife Elizabeth, played by super hot Rita Wilson (Damn you Tom Hanks!!) and his son Jamie. This is shown when Howard is suppose to go to Jamie's karate class thingy but he got stuck by traffic and was pulled over by a cop. To make up for it, he promises to get him the new TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!! Which flies, shoots lasers, talks, and is way more macho then Ken. Howard tries to keep this promise (He failed at the last 2 million), but he didn't get the action figure, and, wow it's Christmas Eve!! Only he would be dumb enough to not get the figure months in advance!!
Well, not true. Sinbad is also dumb enough. Wait, I meant his character, Myron is dumb enough. But it really wasn't Myron's fault. He is just a poor mailman who didn't have enough money to get it until then. So now the rest of the movie is a race between Howard and Myron to get the action figure.
Sure, they both try the toy shops and regular malls, but nothing doing. Then they both hear that at the Mall of America, which is in Minneapolis, a terrible place to be in during December I bet, there is a store where they have some Turbo Man figures.
It is there that we discover that these two weren't the only dumb parents, there are actually thousands of dumb parents. And this toy store in the Mall knows this, so instead of being nice, they have to be all evil (I think three ghosts should visit these people but that's another movie) and hand the rabid parents balls with numbers on them. Howard and Myron fight to get a ball, and through physical comedy, it goes between Howard and Myron. When Myron loses it, Howard follows the bouncing ball through the mall until a little kid (He said it was a girl, I think it was a boy honestly) grabs it. And when Howard tries to grab the ball from the kid, Howard is beaten savagely by mothers.
But then he runs into the Mall's santa, played by James Belushi, and his elf, the midget that played Mickey on "Seinfeld", and they tell him that they know where he can get a TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!! I'm gonna stop here for a second and point out that this scene is the funniest scene to me. When the elf shows Howard a picture of the TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!!, the picture is a spoof of the Lee Harvey Oswald picture of him holding the rifle and a newspaper, but here it's the elf holding the Turbo Man, excuse me TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!!, and a newspaper. That was pretty funny.
So Howard goes with Santa and his elf to this warehouse where thousands of other Santas and elves are busy with their underground toy market. But Howard doesn't get the regular TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!! He gets EL TURBO HOMBRE...uh...he gets a spanish version...oh and it's broke. And a comical fight ensues between Howard and the Santas and elves.
Things really fall into the holiday shitter when Jamie wants his dad (Howard in case you weren't paying attention) to go with him and his hot mom (DAMN YOU AGAIN TOM HANKS!!) to a Christmas parade that is featuring SANTA!!! No wait, I forgot, Santa is crap in this movie. I mean, TURBO MAN!!!!! So when Howard's car runs out of gas and then is picked apart by street thugs (Damn them holiday street thugs), he and Jamie get in a fight and Jamie hates him.
Let's focus a little bit on their neighbor Ted, played by Phil Hartman. Ted is this guy who got divorced and is raising his own son, Johnny and Ted is the "perfect husband", going around to other women on the block helping them out with chores and baking and whatnot. Well it seems he has an eye on Elizabeth (Who wouldn't?) and just wants to take Howard's spot. Oh and Ted already got a TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!! months ago.
So Howard and Myron, who pops up every now and then, wallowing in defeat, hear a contest on the radio where if the first person can name all of Santa's reindeer, they get a TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!! So both of them rush to the station and break in, scaring the DJ, played by Martin Mull, in which he calls the cops. The DJ informs them they don't actually have a TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!! there in the studio, they get it in the mail.
D'OH!!!!
Defeated, with a gift certificate, escaping the cops after a bomb goes off (of course the bomb doesn't kill or splatter anyone, it just slightly burns the person holding it, like the Cheif on "Inspector Gadget", it's a family picture!!), he goes home to face his family.
But ah! He remembers, jerk Ted got one already! So he breaks in and gets it...but he realizes it's wrong and tries to put it back. But through a bizarre accident involving a reindeer also named Ted, a fireplace, and one of the wisemen, the house is almost set on fire and he is discovered stealing the gift!!! Heartbroken the entire neighborhood...goes to the parade.
There, Ted tries to feel up on Elizabeth (who wouldn't?) but she beats him up with eggnog (YAY!!) and they go to the parade. Howard tries to get there but he ends up in a place where they're getting the live action TURBO MAN suited up and he gets mistaken for the actor hired to play TURBO MAN!!! The guy who played "Booger" plays Booster, the less liked sidekick of TURBO MAN!!!
So TURBO MAN!!! goes out to the float where he discovers he gets to pick the lucky kid to get a brand new shiny TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!! So of course, he picks Jamie and Jamie gets it!!
BUT WAIT!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!
Here comes Myron, dressed up like TURBO MAN's main enemy...umm..BRAIN GUY!!! (Ok, I forgot his name, so sue me.) He wants the ACTION FIGURE!!! and will beat up a kid to get it. So Howard/TURBO MAN does battle with Myron/BRAIN GUY, while Myron/BRAIN GUY is trying to get the TURBO MAN ACTION FIGURE!!!
Of course, this is a family picture, so in the end everything works out just fine: Howard and his family have a touching reunion, Jamie is happy enough that Howard is TURBO MAN, and Myron gets the ACTION FIGURE!!! The (sob) end.
Even though it was an extremely goofy and "wacky" kids movie, I liked it. And of course parents everyone nodded their head the whole time, knowing exactly what they go through year after year. I remember one Christmas, I wanted the Techo-drome, the evil lair of Shredder and Krang, from the "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES" and my dad went to EVERY SINGLE STORE looking for it and one day he finally found it...
...and in the garage it sits now. Oh well...
Oh and enjoy Chris Parnell, a regular on Saturday Night Live, as a guy who laughs at Howard for not having the toy. Ho-ho-ho!
3 stars.
"Jingle All The Way" on IMDb.com
http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0116705/