Halloween: Resurrection
Modern Technology vs. Michael Meyers
(Note: Just because I wanted to get the "Halloween" series over with, I went ahead and reviewed a movie on Halloween Night.)
Reality shows suck on a whole, but what if someone made a reality show where a bunch of people were stuck in a house, with a murderer, and watch them get killed one by one? That'd be pretty fuckin' cool!! And that's sort of the premise of "Halloween: Resurrection".
It's three years after "H20" and Jamie Lee Curtis' character Laurie Strode is in a mental institution. The backstory is explained by the Backstory Nurse. The Backstory Nurse tells us that, at the end of "H20", Laurie decapitated Michael Meyers' head off. But what really went down was Mike strangled a paramedic, crushing his larynx, then putting his mask and outfit on him, so Laurie decapitated his head instead.
Yeah, and they expect us to believe this.
Anyway, Laurie is just waiting for Michael to come back, and on this night, Halloween Eve, he does to come kill her. She leads him up to the roof where she had a complicated rig set up to tie a rope around his ankle and to hang him over the ledge so she could kill him. But not wanting to make the same mistake again, she wants to double check, which proves to be fatal because he stabs her. It took him eight movies to do it but he finally killed Laurie Strode, his sister.
The next day, earlier that day, next year, whatever...
Sarah and her friend Jen are picked to be on a "internet reality" show where they have to spend a night in Michael Meyers' house and find out what made him crazy. The name of the show is "Dangertainment" and it's run by Busta Rhymes. Well, not really him, but his character, Freddie. His assistant is Tyra Banks, who for all I know is really Tyra Banks in the movie because she isn't given a name.
Freddie and Tyra pick Sarah, who has this weird inexplictable talent to scream so high pitched glasses break, Jen, who is doing this so she can be famouse, Donna, a super smart, super sexy redhead chick, Jim, some biker rebel dude, Bill, who I think is the same dude who was in the "American Pie" movies as the one who got to bang Tara Reid, and Rudy, a black dude who's a chef and really, really, REALLY into cooking, as much as I am into movies.
Sarah also has an internet buddy named "Deckard", but he's really Miles, a freshman in high school who claims to be a college graduate and lords only knows what else.
So our rag-tag group of wannabe reality stars trot into the house, armed with cameras by their ears and surrounded by cameras in the house. They all split off, naturally, and try to uncover stuff.
Donna and Jim go into the basement and at first Donna isn't interested in Jim, then not even two seconds later, she's jamming her tongue into his mouth. While getting it on, Jim finds a manhole cover type thing in the ground and finds a key that goes to it. They crawl down and find a dungeon type thing. They proceed to get it on there (woo boobies!!) when the wall breaks opens and a bunch of skeletons fall out. Donna is freaked out until Jim inspects them and realizes they're all fake.
Rudy and Sarah are checking out the kitchen, because Rudy is such a food nut, and they find a baby chair with chains inside a closet. Meanwhile upstairs, Bill and Jen (That's just weird and if you know anything about me you know why) are alone checking stuff out when Jen pulls a prank on Bill by pretending to be hurt. Bill is all pissed off and is about to vow revenge with Michael bursts through the wall (seriously) and kills him.
While Jim runs upstairs to tell everyone about the fake skeletons, Donna notices another enterence further down in the basement. She checks it out and discovers where Michael Meyers has been hiding out for the past 8 movies and discovering that his diet consists of rats. She gets freaked out and is about to leave when Michael returns to his home-away-from-home-that's-actually-in-his-home and kills her.
While all of this is going on, Miles/Deckard and his friend Scott go to a Halloween party, where they dress up as Vince and Jules from "Pulp Fiction". This alone would make this the most kick ass movie in the world. But Miles feels bad for not watching Sarah on the internet telecast that he sneaks off into an office and watches it. Soon, the party as moved into there with everyone watching the telecast. People think the murders are fake. People are idiots.
Jim catches up to Sarah and tells her that the show is rigged when Freddie, dressed as Michael, comes in and scares them. He explains that, yes, everything in the house was set up because there was nothing really there and otherwise it'd be a boring show, so he needs to spice it up by putting fake demented things and him dressing up as Michael to chase them around.
Upstairs, Rudy and Jen are smoking a bong. With cameras still attached to their heads. I never said these were smart people. Anyway, Rudy catches up with the rest and Jen is the last to join them when they spot Michael going towards her. Thinking it's Freddie they say "knock it off!!" but, well, Michael chops her head off. This is real. And it's this that finally convinces the audience at the party that it's real.
Michael goes after Rudy, killing him the kitchen to make it the biggest ironic scene ever, then he kills Jim. Sarah runs and finds a camera mounted to the wall asking "Deckard" for help. He responds via her palm pilot telling her where he is. They chase each other around the house for awhile, until Freddie finds Sarah and they manage to wrap a camera cord around Michael's neck and throwing him out the window.
But "Deckard" tells them he's still alive and they try to get the hell out of there. But Freddie and Sarah get seperated and she ends up in the garage, where Tyra Banks was watching all the monitors. Well, Tyra is found dead. Which is a shame, she didn't get naked. Damn...Now I'm all shades of upset.
Well, anyway, in one of the goofiest moments, Sarah gets ahold of a chainsaw and goes after Michael. I don't know, I think anytime anyone in a movie carries a chainsaw for no reason, it's just funny, unless it's Leatherface. But the chainsaw stops and she just throws it at him, which causes gas to spill, then somehow (I forgot, ok) sparks are made and VOOSH!! flames galore. Busta bursts back in, rapping "Put your hands where My eyes can see, BITCH!!" Ok, not really, but that would've been cool. But Freddie is still alive and manages to tie Michael so he's burnt and electrocuted to death.
Later that night, his body shows up at the morgue and...well...can you say "False ending"? How about "Another sequel"?
There were a shitload of laughable moments in this movie. Like when Michael bursts into Laurie's hospital room, he just breaks through the door like it's made out of paper, which is probably was. Then Busta's character is into Kung-Fu movies, so he does Kung-Fu moves on Michael, which just confuse the hell out of him. Then there's the whole chainsaw thing. I dunno, I got a few unintentional laughs from this movie, and compared to the other movies in the series, this wasn't that bad. I mean, sure I've seen better, and the first Halloween is the best out of the series, but this movie was tolerable.
Now about that reality show where people get killed...how do I go about producing that? I know some people that I wouldn't mind...
3 stars.
"Halloween: Resurrection" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0220506/