Revenge? What a Lame-Ass Revenge!
Yes!!! Finally!!!! After waiting a whole year, I get to see the stunning conclusion to "Halloween 4"!! Boy, this is going to be great!! I bet you all were at the edge of your seats also.
H5 (My cool way of saying Halloween 5) starts off with part of the ending of H4, with Michael Meyers on the truck, flying off if it, him flying into a grave and all the tombstones falling on top of him!! But...what's this?!?! There was a hole IN THE GRAVE?!?! And he climbed through the hole?!! Ended up in a river?!?! And finally at some old dude's shack?!?! Where he just layed there for a year?!?!?! What the hell???? I wanted to see Donald Plesance screame "NAAL!! NAAL!!!" again!!!!
So yes, it is a year later and the little girl from H4, Jamie, is in some hospital somewhere, and for some very strange reason she lost her voice.
But wait, you may or may not be asking yourselves, didn't she kill her own mother at the end of H4? Yes, but apparently she didn't get "killed" just slightly wounded, and Jamie says that the spirit of Michael is inside her, which is why Jamie is in the hospital. What's up with her voice, I have no clue.
And Donald Plesance is back, as Dr. Loomis, but he's getting a tad too old for this role so I think he's losing his mind because the whole movie he just hangs around the girl's hospital bed, shaking her, saying "Tell me!! Tell me!!!!"
And Jamie's step-sister Rachael is also in this movie, but Rachael got some new friends, one of them named Tina. Oh, and they got a new dog too, named Max. Rachael and Max are home alone when, surprise!, Michael Meyers shows up. He lurks around Rachael's house for about an hour, then he decides to kill her, finally.
With Rachael out of the picture, we focus on Tina, who's friends with Sammy, a blonde chick who dates some dude name Spitz. Seriously. Spitz. Anyway, Tina is dating some jackass dude with a cool car named Michael. Michael and Spitz go to the store where Spitz works at to steal some beer for a party later that night. Michael Meyers thinks Michael has a cool car so he decides to kill him and take it.
Later, Michael (Meyers) picks Tina up and Tina wants to visit Jamie at the hospital. Since Michael wants to kill Jamie for whatever reason, he heads there. But Tina wants cigarettes first so she makes him stop to get some, which he does.
Jamie gets freaky ass visions when Michael gets the urge to kill, and Jamie gets one then. The cops show up and save Tina before Michael gets the chance to do anything. By the way, the cops are the comic relief in this movie as noted by the weird goofy whimiscal music that plays when they're on screen. I don't get the point of this at all. Anyway, the cops agree to give Tina a ride to some farm where the party is at and there she meets up with Sammy and Spitz.
Sammy and Spitz and Tina head for the old barn on the farm, where Spitz could've asked for a threesome and gotten it with no problem, but alas, this lad isn't that bright, so Tina leaves Spitz and Sammy in the barn alone to have sex...and to let Michael Meyers kill Spitz with a pitch fork. He kills Sammy with one of those things you see the Grim Reaper always carrying, whatever the hell those are called.
Jamie is all concerned about Tina and runs away from the hospital and this kid that likes Jamie, named Bill, tags along. Oh, and because Jamie is so concerned about Tina suddenly, she got her voice back. I dunno.
Tina goes back to the barn where Sammy and Spitz are dead and Michael appears in the car when Jamie shows up. Michael decides he wants to mow down Jamie so he chases her, until Dr. Loomis shows up out of nowhere and snatches up Jamie. Dr. Loomis then tells Michael that to end this, this meaning these horrible sequels, he must go back to his house.
So Loomis and Jamie are at Michael's old house, where he killed his sister in the beginning of the movie movie, waiting. Well, sure enough, Michael shows up and attacks Loomis and then goes after Jamie, chasing her all over the house, through shafts, basements, attics, you name it. It was a lovely tour of the house though.
Loomis comes out of nowhere (again), scoops up Jamie, and drops a chain net on Michael and shoots him with tranquilizers until he passes out. The cops show up, put Michael in a cell where "he'll be held until he can go to a maximum security prison". Well...that doesn't last long.
Throughout this whole movie, this dude who dressed like Johnny Black but you never see his face, just wonders around town. Well, now he busts into the police station, shoots every cop, and somehow manages to get Michael Meyers. And that, my dear readers, is where "H5" ends.
Don't strangle me, I didn't make this movie.
Ok, this movie was just alright. The death's were pretty cool, but this family has bad luck with dogs because Michael killed Max as well. And the fact that no one seemed worried about Rachael throughout the movie kinda bothered me. Oh, and there was this cop who was dubbed for some reason, and his death was edited rather oddly, it's kinda hard to describe. Anyway, I'm a tad disappointed that I waited a whole year just for that. But now, who the hell is that dude in black? Why did John Carpenter just give up on this series? And why, oh why, did they not include any nudity? Sheesh, it's a horror film.
The answers to these questions, and more maybe, will hopefully be found out in next week's review.
2 stars.
"Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097474/