The Governor Vs Satan
Back in 1999, everyone flipped out because people thought the end of the world was coming. People thought computers were gonna crash, airplanes were gonna fall from the sky, Russia will launch missles, and ATM's will be spitting out free cash. Then this French (I think) dude named Nostradomus didn't help things any by saying something to this effect:
"At the end of 1 and 999, a flame will reach the sky
So best better to put thy head between thy legs
And kiss thy ass goodbye."
Keep in mind I'm not a translator but you get the gist of it.
Anyway, Hollywood wanted to cash in on all of this, as usual, and decided to make a movie exploiting people's fears that the world would end at the stroke of midnight, 1999 and Satan is gonna arise and have a big orgy with all of us as unwilling participant's. "End of Days" is one of these movies.
We start off in 1979 and a bunch of priests in Rome are reading stuff via scrolls like they usually do, when they aren't touching alter boys (sorry I won't make any more jokes about that), when a priest freaks out cause there's a full moon, which means it's "God's Eye" and some baby who is gonna get it on with Satan is gonna be born. The Pope says "NO!! THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN!!" Then they all kinda forgot about it and went to Bennigans.
Meanwhile, in New York City, a chick is giving birth and she gives birth to a baby girl.
Before I go further, let me stress one flaw of this movie. This is one of the movies that I have come across for this book project that doesn't give people names, or last names for that matter. So for the people who don't have names, I will be handing out names to clear up any confusion.
Mommy Dearest gives birth to a baby girl and Nurse Rachett takes the baby to the morgue where Dr. Feelgood and a bunch of other Satanists pour snake's blood all over the baby and sing "HAIL SATAN!" Nurse Rachett gives the baby back to Mommy Dearest.
Twenty Years Later, on December 28th, 1999, we see the baby, named Christine York (Wow a full name, the writers must've been exhausted thinking of a full name and spent a year yachting), living her life doing whatever it is she does. She had "weird visions", which include a weirdass homeless person saying someone's gonna fuck her to death and laughing, then the homeless person shatters.
Hm. Ok...
Meanwhile, we go to Arnold's (You should know what Arnold I'm talking about, so there's no need to attempt to spell out his last name) apartment and he's royally depressed because his wife and daughter are killed. We'll get to that later, via Satan.
Arnold is Jericho, or Jer for short. He works for a private security company. Pretty much he's a freelance Secret Service. He and his buddy Bobby (Kevin Pollack) work for this company, named Striker, and they have to protect Gabriel Byrne, who isn't given a name so maybe the movie is implying that it's Gabriel himself in the movie.
Interesting thing about Gabriel. The night before all of this, he's having dinner and decides to take a leak. While this is happening, Satan pays him a visit and possess his body. He walks out, goes to a hot chick, grabs her boob, and makes out with her, all right in front of her husband.
This sounds like a sentence I would make up but seriously this happens, all in that order.
Oh, and when Gabriel is done, the restaurant suddenly explodes, with Gabriel walking out of it, unharmed. So, yeah, the next day, it's Arnold and his secret service team protecting a possessed Gabriel Byrne. Things are going swimmingly when Jer spots a sniper on the roof. Arnold chases the guy all through mid-town, until they reach a sewer.
There, the sniper tells him "the thousand years is up, and my library books are over due." Ok, he didn't say the thing about the library books, but what he says, which i forget at the moment, was about as confusing as that. So Jer shoots him cause he was getting frustated with the sniper and it turns out to be a very old priest named Thomas Aquanis. Hey, you may be saying, isn't that a Saint? Well, yes, you're right. I guess this was the movie's subtle form of symbolism. Least his name wasn't Francis A. Sissy.
Marge, a New York cop, tells Jer that there's no way the priest dude said anything cause he doesn't have a tongue. Confused, he and Bobby check out the priest's digs, which, literally, looks like he dug. It's basically a giant hole in the ground.
They find weird things written on the walls, the dude's tongue in a jar, and a picture of Christine in the fridge.
Ok, here's what I'm picturing what the writers were saying when they wrote this.
"Ok, scene: the priest's hole in the ground. What weird ass shit can we find there?"
"OHH! How about his tongue!!"
"YEAH!! And a pentegram on the floor!"
"Why would a priest have a pentegram on his floor?"
"Shut up! Movie viewers don't have brains, they won't care. Oh and put the picture of this Christine chick...umm..someplace unusual..."
"Anybody want anything from the fridge?"
"YES!! The fridge!!! WOO!! This is gonna be Oscar worthy!!"
So Jer and Bobby go on a hunt for Christine, but they decide to talk to Tommy Aqua (my gangsta nickname for him) at the hospital. Well, guess who get's there first?
Gabriel arrives, first telling a cop that he knows the cop bangs little kids, then tells Tommy Aqua that he's gonna die. So when Jer and the police show up, Tommy Aqua is crucified on the ceiling with weird ass things carved into his chest. Jer spots the phrase "Christ in New York" and think it stands for "Christine York". Wow, he just knew that. Isn't that amazing?
Jer finds Christine's place, but some renegade Vatican Knights, as they call themselves, are there and they're trying to kill her. So Jer kicks some V.K ass and saves her.
Then the most unbelieveable thing happens. Yes, in a movie where satan possess Gabriel Byrne, a homeless person shatters, and a picture is found in the fridge, there was something even more ridiculous then that.
It all turns out that Nurse Rachett and Dr. Feelgood from the beginning managed to bump off Christine's parents and now they have guardian ship over her. Well, the Nurse does. The doctor is just her doctor. So the nurse, who is about, maybe 4 feet 8 and weighs about maybe 250 (she was rather portly), beats the LIVING SHIT OUT OF ARNOLD!!
She's just throwing him all around the room, he can't fight her, and the whole thing is just crazy and stupid. Meanwhile, outside, Bobby is waiting in a van when Gabriel pisses gasoline on the van and sets it ablaze.
Man, I couldn't make this shit up if I wanted to.
Arnold finally manages to beat Nurse Rachett and takes Christine away from there. He takes her to this church where Tommy Aqua use to reside in, which is run by Father Rod Steiger. Yes, I'm assuming Rod Steiger became a priest and is playing himself in this movie cause he doesn't have a name either.
Father Rod tells Jer all the crap that's going on, and I will try to relate it to you.
Satan comes to Earth on the eve of the end of the thousand years, tries to get it on with a chick who was born with a mark on her which means she's Satan's bitch, and when this happens, the world is gonna end. And all of this has to happen an hour before 1/1/00. The date at this point? 12/30/99.
Jer doesn't wanna believe this crap, but Christine does so Jer leaves her with Father Rod and goes home. There, while mourning the loss of Bobby, Gabriel shows up suddenly. Jer then finally figures out Gabriel is Satan and tries to fight him, which he fails of course. Then Gabriel says "Hey, if you help me out, I can prevent this from happening", then Gabriel sends Jer back in time to the moments before his wife and daughter are killed.
They're in the bathroom, when these bad dude's burst in and kills them. The reason for all this? Jer put the bad dude's head honcho in jail and he vowed to kill him and his family. But he wasn't home, which is why Jer has been feeling guilty all these years/months/days/weeks, whatever.
So Gabriel tells him if Jer tells him where Christine is, he can bring them back and all sort of tempting stuff. Jer, realizing that his soul would be damned for all eternity, says "FUCK YOU!!" in his best Arnold voice and throws him out the window.
About an hour later, Bobby shows up, unscathed. Jer at first doesn't believe this and shoots him. When Bobby bleeds real blood, he apologizes and stupidly tells him where Christine is.
Well, big surprise. Bobby sold his soul so he wouldnt burn in the van fire and is now in league with the army of darkness. Oh, I forgot to mention, the chick cop, Marge, is also in Satan's army. I dunno what she gets out of it though, but oh well, let's not think about that.
Bobby and Gabriel show up at Father Rod's church and manage to get Christine. Meanwhile all of Gabriel's followers beat the shit out of Arnold (This movie must hurt his ego a lot) and then they crucify him.
Let me re-state that. Arnold gets crucified. And people freaked out about that Puff Daddy video where he gets crucified. The hell...
Anyway, the next day, 12/31/99 to refresh your memory, Father Rod finds Jer and takes him into the church. Jer wakes up and says "THERE'S TIME" in his best Arnold voice and leaves. He goes back to the Striker company and stocks up on weapons, like guns, missles, bazookas, weapons of mass destruction, etc.
He manages to track down the car Bobby used (thanks Plot Device!) and he goes to this abandoned movie theater where the, I can only assume, fucking is gonna take place. Arnold does his Arnold yell and blows the ever living crap out of place and snags Christine and gets the hell out of there.
They end up in the subway and they hitch a ride on one. They spot Gabriel up ahead and mow him down. They think it's over but, nope, you can't keep a good Satan down. Arnold proceeds to blow the ever living God out of the subway and Gabriel's mortal body is dead, but not the Devil Inside, the Devil Inside (INXS).
Jer and Christine take over yet ANOTHER church and tells Christine to hid somewhere. Then there is a cool but very long 15 minute sequence in which stuff inside the church blows up, things shake, rows of pews go fly, and whatnot, then Satan himself appears! In the CHURCH!! So much for no evil getting past thee doors or whatever.
Now, if I had to describe how the real Satan looked, I wouldn't know how to. He's a big mo-fo, wingspan the size of the Brooklyn Bridge, and is ugly as all fuck. Well, big surprise here, he possess Jer, tricks Christine, and is about to do his thing when the real Jer fights Satan inside his body and tells Christine to get the hell (no pun attended) out of there. Then Jer spots a big ass sword on a statue and stabs himself. Before Satan could get another body, it turns midnight. It's offically 1/1/00. Satan lost and he's rather pissed about this, but nothing he can do, so he goes back to hell, along with Jason, Hitler, and, I can only hope, the future residence of Vin Diesel.
So, in the end, Jer dies, Christine didn't get fucked by Satan, and we all didn't die from a big ass explosion. Airplanes didn't fall from the sky. And, unfortunately, ATM's didn't spit out cash. I know, I was near one at midnight.
Once scene in the movie where I didn't know where to fit here, to show how weird and disturbing this movie is, shows a scene where Gabriel goes to Dr. Feelgood's house and he is introduced to Feelgood's wife and daughter. Upon meeting them, Gabriel (I guess) has a weird dream/flashback or this really happened, where he's banging both the mom and the daughter and the daughter is there and, well...eh I won't say any further. Any more, though, and it'd be a fetish porno video.
So, now that it's four year later (to the day in fact), don't all you Y2K freaks feel stupid? Digging holes in your backyard, stockpiling water and rice, and saying "THE WORLD'S ENDING" and running around with no pants? As for what I thought of this movie.
Eh. I wouldn't sell my soul to own this movie.
2 stars.
"End of Days" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0146675/