What A Rip-Off!! I Only Counted 987 Corpses!
In 1998, I saw the movie "Strangeland" which was written by and starring Dee Snyder, from Twisted Sister fame. And I thought it was the weirdest f'ing movie I ever seen in my life. And it held that title, up until now, when another muscian decides to make a movie. But I like this more then "Strangeland".
"House of 1,000 Corpses" is written and directed by Rob Zombie, who makes a cameo in the beginning when we see a show that hosts horror movies, the show called "Dr. Wolfenstein". Zombie is Wolfenstein's assistant in the background. Needless to say, Zombie also did the music for the movie.
Then we are introduced to Captain Spaulding, played by Sid Haig, who I seen last in the movie "The Forbidden Dance" as the medicine man. "Forbidden Dance" was shown at B-Fest, in case you were wondering. Captain Spaulding runs one of those places you see on road trips advertising for weird mutated freaks. He also serves chicken. And he dresses up as a clown the whole time. Some robbers try to rob Spaulding but he doesn't take no shit, nosiree! He kills them in no time flat.
On the road are two guys, Jerry, played by Chris Hardwick, the host of MTV's "Singled Out", and Bill, who are writing a book about roadside attractions, stumble upon Spaulding's place. They wake their girlfriend's Denise and Mary up in the backseat and they check out Spaulding's place. To clarify something, the entire time I don't know who was dating who because both girls looked and acted the same, at least to me anyway. Both girls didn't really wanna be there, be part of this trip, and certainly don't like roadside attractions featuring dead fetus' that resemble alligators.
Spaulding takes them on this ride called "The Murder Ride", which shows manniquins dressed up like serial killers while Spaulding tells stories about each one. The last killer is a local legend nicknamed Dr. Satan. This doctor makes Korvorkian look good, he cuts his patients up, takes their brains out, and quite possibly eats them as well.
Yum.
All fueled up on wonder and curiousity, Jerry begs Spaulding to tell them how to get to this tree where supposedly Dr. Satan was hung. But the next day, his body disappear. Mu-hahahaha!!!!
Spaulding relcutantly gives Jerry directions. On the way, they seen a very hot female hitchhiker, named Baby Firefly, played by Sherri Moon, who is probably a porn star with that name. She knows all about Dr. Satan and the tree and agrees to show them where it is when their tire is blown out. Well, some dude wearing a bearskin rug on his back shot at the tire. Something appears to be up. Baby says her brother has a tow truck and she and Bill go off to get him.
The tow truck arrives, operated by Rufus, who just happens to be wearing a bearskin rug on his back. Hmm... They all go back to their creepy ass house.
Upstairs in the house, Otis, who isn't really their father, but proably some dude that's just there, is lecturing and torturing some cheerleaders that are being reported missing.
In case you didn't know, the movie kinda gets weird at this point.
Mother Firefly meets the guests and invites them to stay for dinner, where they meet Tiny, this tall skinny guy that could possibly beat Lurch at B-Ball anyday. Tiny is disfigured because his father, Earl, lit him on fire when Earl claimed the house was run by Satan. Oh, Pa!!
And then there's Grandpa Hugo, who after dinner does a vaudeville act that involves dirty jokes that made ME blush. After Grandpa's jokes, Baby comes out and lip synchs to that song made famous by Betty Boop and when she sits on Bill's lap, whichever girl is dating Bill gets pissed and punches her. Mother kicks them out when Rufus storms in proclaiming their car is fixed. But on the way out, Tiny and Otis attack and beat Bill and Jerry with axes and baseball bats and smashing the car while their at it.
The next day, Halloween, Denise's dad is worried because she never came home, which confused me because I thought they were on a road trip. Maybe they were finished and were about to get home. Maybe Denise got homesick and wanted to go home. Maybe Rob Zombie left a plothole. I dunno. But anyway, Dad calls his police pal and that police pal sends out two other policemen, George and Steve, out looking for the kids.
The kid's wake up after the savage beating in seperate parts of the house. Mary, who I think is the one dating Bill because she asks Otis about him. Otis reveals that Bill is now part of a piece of art he proudly calls "Fishboy". If you're wondering, Bill's torso is on the tail of a fish. I bet Andy Warhol would've liked it.
Denise wakes up in the basement where Tiny lives. Tiny unties her and is about to escape when Otis appears and throws her in a cage full of, um...I dunno. But some guys came out of nowhere and grabbed her. Maybe this is a tribute to "The People Under The Stairs".
Somewhere else, Jerry is tied up also and Baby comes in, asking him to guess her favorite actress. He guesses wrong (It's Betty Davis) and she ends up scalping him. Ow.
Steve and George find the kid's car and deduce foul play, especially when a body of one of the missing cheerleaders is in the trunk. Ultra concerned, Denise's dad shows up to help with the investigation by rooting around places they been. AH! Captain Spaulding! He tells them he sent them that-a-way and they end up at the same farmhouse full of wackyness. George gets inside and talks to Mother while Denise's dad and Steve check out the back.
In the back, they find a shed full of dead and barely alive skinned girls. They freak and call for George, who gets killed by Mother. Otis pops out of nowhere and shoots Dad in the back. Then he makes Steve wait a full 2 minutes before popping him.
Otis then skins good ol' Dad and wears his face and chest while Jerry, Denise, and Mary are gagged and dressed like bunny rabbits. Otis dances and says some odd chant and tries to make out with Denise (In other words, she's seeing her dad trying to make out with her. Yeah.), and Otis tells Jerry, "You wanna meet Dr. Satan so badly? Let's go meet him boy!!" Well, he says something cooler then that, but I'll let you watch the movie yourself to hear it.
Off they go into some field near the tree that Jerry wanted to see so badly. And I never thought this would be possible for this movie, but I guess whatever drugs Rob Zombie took kicked it during this part of the script cause the movie gets weirder. Honestly.
Mary manages to escape but Baby hunts her down and stabs her repeatedly. The rest of the family throw Jerry and Denise into a coffin and lower it into a hole where some demons or something come out and grab them. Denise manages to make it out and she finds some hallway.
There, two guys also in rabbit outfits take her rabbit outfit and leave. She walks down the hallway further and stumbles into a room. Inside is the famous Dr. Satan. There is no way I can describe how he looks, you just have to see the movie for yourself. Dr. Satan is operating on Jerry. Poor Jerry, he really got the bad end of all of this. Denise is trying to escape when some giant robot dude/guy thing comes out with an ax.
Yep, Rob Zombie was on drugs.
The robot dude/guy thing chases her down another hallway and when he tries to take a swing, he hits a post which knocks the entire roof down, crushing him. Denise survives. Sorta. She gets out of the hole, gets on a highway, and is picked up by none other then Captain Spaulding.
I'll let you guess where it goes from there.
I'm not saying Rob Zombie ripped off other movies, I think he was merely paying a tribute, like in a scene where Otis is cutting up Bill, he and Baby are dancing to The Commadore's "Brick House", this is similar to the famous scene in "Reservior Dogs" I'm sure we all know what scene. Other films this one pays tribute to, at least I think so is, "Texas Chainsaw Massacare", "Halloween", and quite possibly "Last House On The Left". I was waiting for a hockey mask and a glove with knives to pop up at any moment.
I think Rob Zombie, despite the weirdness and creepyness factors, did a good job writing and directing. He is currently filming a sequel, which should prove to be interesting. I also liked how after the somewhat creepy ending, the song during the ending credits is "Brick House", which inspired me to write the grossest sickest, scariest movie ever, then end it with Katrina and The Wave's "Walking On Sunshine". Be sure to look out for that.
3 stars.
"House of 1,000 Corpses" on IMDb.com:
www.imdb.com/title/tt0251736/