I'm Glad They're Dead And I Hope They Burn In Hell...While I'm Homless!!!
The film makers for "Caveman's Valentine" needed a lead actor who can yell when called upon with great gusto. And I'm sure the only person they could think of was Samuel L. Jackson. No one can yell and scream like Sam Jackson, it's what made him famous. (See: "Pulp Fiction", "A Time To Kill", and "Formula 51"...no wait, not that one...)
Anyway, Jackson plays Rommulus AKA Caveman because he lives in a cave. He flips out if you call him homeless. Caveman (I find that easier to type then Rommulus) has some problems besides living in a cave. He thinks some evil person named Stuyvesant controls the world while living in the Empire State Building and that a broken TV set sends him images of what this Stuyvesant can see. He also walks around the streets of New York City screaming and yelling.
So your basic homeless guy.
One night, prior to Valentine's Day, he sees on his TV a guy with "no face" put a dead body in a tree. Sure enough, on Valentine's Day, there is a dead body up in a tree right near the cave Caveman lives in. This is the formentioned "Caveman's Valentine" from the title.
After finding the body, he calls his daughter Lulu, who is a cop and at first she thinks he's having one of his fits again, but there is a real life dead guy in the tree. Caveman hears from this other homeless junkie named Matthew that the body belonged to a fellow homeless guy named Scotty. Matthew informs Caveman that Scotty did some modeling work for world famous photographer David Lepperaub. Oh, and this Lepperaub guy may or may not have video taped Scotty being tortured and branded and all of that neat S&M stuff.
So Caveman is on the hunt! Sorry...
Caveman starts his own investigation, which takes him to an old buddy of his named Arnold. Caveman use to go to Julliard, some fancy music school you may or may not have heard of, and Arnold went there as well. Caveman lies about his homelife and says he still plays the piano, which is what he studied at Julliard. Arnold is friends with Lepperaub, Lepperaub is throwing a party, Arnold is invited, so he invites Caveman. But Caveman needs to spruce up a tad bit.
This is where Bob comes in. Bob is a lawyer who ran across Caveman one day and doesn't believe that someone who went to Julliard is now living in a cave. Caveman remembers Bob and asks him for a suit. Bob takes him home to his wife, damn I forget her name, let's call her Margie. Damn notes...
Anyway, Margie's reaction to her husband bringing home a homeless man is about the same as you'd expect. But hey, he can play the piano, he must be harmless. Just ignore the Stuyvesant rants and these weird moth people that Caveman says controls his rage...
Bob and Margie clean him up and off he goes to the Lepperaub party. There he mingles, confronts Lepperaub himself, and meets Joey, an amature film maker. Film maker? Video with a guy being tourtured...wait a minute...
Yeah, Joey knows about the video, Lepperaub says, however, that's not true, he wouldn't do such a thing. And it is here his creditibilty flies out the window. If you seen the kind of pictures this dude takes, you wouldn't be surprised if he's one kinky bastard. He takes pictures of guys (Naked) on crucifixes, hearts in cages, that sort of neat stuff.
Caveman performs at the party but the moth people/dancers come out and he goes on a tirad and is throw out by Right Said Fred. I swear it's Right Said Fred. Rent the movie, go about 50-55 minutes into the movie and when he's getting kicked out, the two guys look like the guys in Right Said Fred.
While on his way back to his cave, Caveman is attacked by a "no face" hitman and he crawls back to the home of Muira, Lepperaub's sister if I heard correctly. Dramatic movies have the tendancy to mumble a lot. At first she's scared but after about 5 minutes (shot in real time I think) she gets naked with the guy and they go at it.
WOO Caveman, tap that ass!!!
Much like Al from Quantum Leap, Caveman is guided by someone that no one else can see or hear, the younger image of his ex-wife Sheila. We never see the modern day Sheila, so we must assume she became a woofer. Shelia is suppose to represent what little sanity Caveman has, which is ironic cause she is his invisible friend. This kind of logic makes peoples and robots heads explode.
Caveman begs Lulu, his cop daughter, to see Scotty's autopsy report but she screams at him for being crazy. Must run in the family. It isn't until later that night when two "No face" hitmen come after Caveman and he calls her to help that she believes him.
I'm not one to ruin endings of movies for people who haven't seen them, so I won't mention who was the killer, what the motives what, and all of that. After she believes Caveman, they set up a sting operation on a subway where confessions are told and it's revealed that the junkie guy Matthew is gay. I guess he would suck dick for crack. Oh, I forgot to mention, the lawyer Bob, he's played by Anthony Michael Hall.
Yes, THAT Anthony Michael Hall. Sheesh...
This movie gets bizarre at times, only because we see things through Caveman's point of view, so we see the crazy things he sees. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure Caveman was in every scene. Wow, very impressive, Mr. Jackson woo!!! I am for real! But it is a very good movie, Jackson kicks ass like he always does (Besides "Formula 51", why would anyone want to make a movie about a motor oil?) and I'd recommend this if you and your sweetie wants to watch a nice movie for Valentine's day. Well, if you and your sweetie thinks like I do. Is there anything else I need to mention about this movie?
Hmm...oh yeah.
You see Sam Jackson's bare ass.
A lot.
A WHOLE LOT...And he executive produced the movie. Coincidence?
"I want MORE of MY BARE ASS AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!!!"
3 stars.
"Caveman's Valentine" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0182000/