Or Much Cooler Title: Bridget Jones Strikes Back!
Dear Friday Night Video Review,
Today I decided to review YET another chick flick. Why, you ask? Well, I was feeling way too happy with myself, so I figured I'd torture myself with something. That, and the movies I wanted review were gone. But the real question is, "Why did they feel the need to make another Bridget Jones movie?"
Good question. Here are some theories.
1. Renee Zewillger was still "fat" so she figured I might as well do another movie where I'm "fat". And I use the word "fat" loosely cause I don't get how the fuck she's considered "fat" in this movie. Just because she weighs more then 100 pounds doesn't make her fat. And just because she looks like a pipe cleaner now doesn't mean she's fat in this movie. I hate whoever wrote this whole story.
2. Colin Firth and Hugh Grant wanted to have another exciting fight scene.
3. Women just love to cry and depress themselves. God only knows why.
With that said, let's start, shall we? Oh god, all the British-ness has rubbed off on me again. I hate British movies. Except "Shaun of The Dead". What's up, cunts?
Anyway.
In case you forget, the last movie ended with Bridget and Mark, Colin Firth's character, getting together. Well, at the start of this one, they are still together and it's supposedly six weeks after the first movie ended. Weird time frame. Anyway, we spend about forty-five minutes seeing Bridget and Mark together, having little fights, making up, and having more fights. Things don't get any better when Bridget suspects that Mark is sleeping with hot secretary Rebecca, who has legs up to here. "Legs Up To Here" is the offical catchphrase from this movie. Expect all the cool kids to be quoting this like crazy all year old. "Legs Up To Here" will replace "Idiots!" and "Hasta La Vista, Baby!" and even "With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility."
Mark invites Bridget to some lawyer function where they play lawyer games, and I am quite serious, there are lawyer games. Bridget is bored until they start asking Madonna questions, which Bridget somehow manages to get wrong, despite being a major Madonna fan. On the way home, Bridget and Mark have another fight, but this time big enough for her to go crying home. But alas, they make up and Mark invites her to go skiing in Germany.
In Germany, she thinks that because they been having sex for eight weeks straight she's pregnant. So she quite literally ski's to a pharmacy and gets pregnancy test. While fighting over what school their kid should go to, they find out the test is negetive. Oh well.
Now you may be asking, FNVR, what about Hugh Grant? Didn't he make an apperance in this movie? Didn't he have some lines for him to stutter and stammer over? Yes. Yes he did.
Hugh returns as Daniel, who if you remember stole Mark's wife some time ago. Daniel is now working for the same television station that Bridget works for and is hosting some travel show. This stuns Bridget and is stunned even more when she sees him again and finds out he's still got the hots for her.
But she's madly in love with Mark and nothing will change that.
Until they go to Mark's place and Rebecca leaves a message on his machine. This really makes Bridget jealous and angry and tells Mark off once and for all and leaves.
The next twenty minutes of the movie details Bridget depressed over breaking up with Mark and her eating and her mom planning on renewing her vows with Bridget's dad. Then the network asks Bridget to go along with Daniel to Bangkok (Huh-huh, Bangkok) to co-host his travel show. She says no at first but while talking to her good friends Tom and Jude and Whats-Her-Name and So-and-So they convince her to go. And So-And-So tags along. Or maybe it was Whats-Her-Name.
While on the plane, Whats-Her-Name meets some teenage dude named Jed and they hook up. Meanwhile, Bridget and Daniel travel across Bangkok (Huh-huh) and film their show. Oh and Jed slipped Bridget some "mushrooms" and Bridget trips out on the beach. Daniel finds her in the sand making sand angels and he takes her back to his place.
He sweet talks her ("Do you still have those huge panties?") and is about to do his thing when Bridget sort of has second thoughts. While having said second thoughts, a Thai prostitute shows up. Bridget gets pissed and leaves. And leaves the country while she's at it.
While packing, So-And-So (No wait, Whats-Her-Name, sorry) tells Bridget to hold this obvious drug paraphernalia in her suitcase, which Bridget stupidly does. And of course the Thai police seize Bridget's suitcase and as expected in a chick flick, she gets throw in prison with other women.
Whoa, what?! Did I just daydream this? Did this become a Cinemax Late-Night movie? She's in PRISON?! THE HELL?!
Yes, FNVR, I was confused too. I didn't get why the hell she was in prison but that didn't really matter cause there was no reason for this movie to be made at all, so why not? Let's have Bridget Jones go to prison. In Thailand of all countries.
So Bridget is in prison where she makes some friends, they poke at her bra (Wow, this is a Cinemax movie), and she teaches them the words to "Like A Virgin". Then Mark shows up saying that the police found Jed and he confessed to the entire thing and that she's free to go. Before she goes, she gives her prisonmates some bras and some books, which is weird cause I'm sure they don't know how to read. You know, women in other countries. Like their men will ever let them read. Psh!
Anyway, Bridget comes back home and Whats-Her-Name says "Oh, I'm sorry for letting you take the rap for the drugs while I came home in the cushy airplane. I should've said something to the police like 'Hey, that was mine! This guy gave it to me!' or 'Hey!' but no, I just came home and slept in a nice posh bed while you rotted away in prison for three months and let your ex-boyfriend take care of the mess I got you in." Bridget says, of course, "FUCK YOU!!!"
No wait. That's what she SHOULD HAVE said. Instead she says "Oh, it's no biggie."
WHAT?!?!?! Jesus Christ!! She fuckin let you rot in prison!! You just say IT'S NO FUCKIN' BIGGIE!!! ARRRRGHH!!!!!!
Mark is equally angry but he takes his frustrations out on Daniel, cause Daniel also could've stopped the police from arresting Bridget but I guess he and Whats-Her-Name teamed up to get Bridget in prison or something. So Mark throws Daniel outside and beats the shit out of him, but I think the fight between them in the first movie was way cooler then the one here. This fight lasted about 3 minutes. It's sort of like paying $59.95 for Pay-Per-View and the Tyson fight is over in 15 seconds.
Anyway, when Bridget finds out that Mark really loves her still, AND she finds out that Rebecca, you know the "leggy" one, is a lesbian and has a crush on Bridget AND we get a scene where they kiss, she rushes to his work place and gives her a long ass speech. Afterwards, she wrecks the moment when Mark proposed to her, but he does it again, thankfully.
And thankfully, this pointless movie is over. So basically, we sat through two extra hours of this Bridget Jones story which ended the exact same way as the last movie ended. I guess we just wanted to see her in prison. Or trippin' on 'shrooms. Or kiss a girl.
So anyway, FNVR, my time with this movie came to an end. And while one may not normally think of hip hop when you think Bridget Jones, this movie makes you think twice by playing a Beyonce song at the end. I guess this was for the guys. But I think the guys were tuned in for the lesbian kiss scene which lasted, oh, .0001 seconds. Of course, this is how long women think men last during sex anyway, so I guess it works out.
I'm undecided what I think of this movie. Should I maybe give it another chance? Was my expectations too high? Were they maybe too low? And where is that beautiful house? And my beautiful wife? Ok, you know that I really dont like this movie if I'm quote songs. But it was a good attempt.
Maybe someone should tell Renee Zewillger to pretend she's on the set of "Bridget Jones" every day so she'll look like a human being again.
Your friend,
Jason Soto.
P.S: 2 stars.
"Bridget Jones 2: The Quickening" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317198/