The Big Dark Secret Finally Revealed!!
Ok, I'm about to drop a big bomb on everyone, right here, tonight, January 23, 2004. If you are reading this, you are one lucky individual, for you are the recipient of this big news that I just discovered tonight. And to show how important the news item is, I'm gonna give it it's own paragraph, and type it in italics bold. Ready?
Wrestling is fake!!!!
Ok, go ahead, take a few minutes to recover...
You ok? Good.
I discovered this secret in the documentary "Beyond The Mat" made by Barry Blaustein, a big wrestling fan who just happened to be a filmmaker. He wanted to know the truth so he goes to where wrestling is the most revered. But after not finding any answers in Alabama, he went to the WWF's headquarters.
I should point out that when this film was made, it was known as WWF, before it became WWE, and if you didn't know that by now, you're a big idiot.
The whole dirt is uncoverd the first ten minutes of the film, when Barry shows the Federations song composers, chroegraphers, and writers, yes WRITERS!!! See, I told you it was fake!!!! Woo-hoo, I just earned 20 bucks from my neighbor.
Ahem, anyway...
After getting the inside dirt, we go to the All Pro Wrestling (or APW) school, which is run by a super fat accountant guy named Roland. He tells us that some of the big WWF stars came from his school. Which stars, he didn't say, but he swears they came from his school. And then we follow two guys named Tony and Chris Modest, who get asked by head honcho Vince McMahon, who's entire family been involved with WWF since, like, the dawn of man, to appear on an episode of "RAW" and fight.
Then we get a glimpse into the process of how wrestlers are chosen by a young lad who's real name escaped me because I had my entire head coverd during this segment because he had the god given talent to throw up on command, and he wasn't afraid to show anyone. So he goes in and meets McMahon and McMahon wants to give him the great wrestling name "Puke".
I couldn't have made that last sentence up if I was riding high on every drug Robert Downey, Jr took in his life.
Barry, having enough of seeing rookies, wanted some old timers in his movie, so he hunted down the most famous wrestler in the history of WWF and wrestling ever!!!! Terry "Hulk" Hogan? Macho Man Randy Savage? Andre The Giant...no wait he's dead...
No, Terry Funk!!!
Haven't heard of him? Me neither.
But this Barry guy is a big fan, so he goes down to Texas, where Terry lives, to meet him. Terry Funk is a super crazy dude who does just any anything in the ring, and I really mean anything, from hitting people with metal ladders to lighting them on fire to anally raping their mothers in the ring. Ok, not really, before you get that image in your head. But Barry is giving us some sad news, Terry Funk is retiring because after falling off of ladders and riggings and whatnot, his body is slowly breaking and his doctors warn him that he's gonna not have any bones and just be known has "The Incredible Floating Blob of Skin!!!....Funk.
If this review was to appear on TV and I had to choose one funny moment from this film, it would the snippet of a commerical Terry Funk has done in Texas. After Barry goes on and on saying how crazy and terrifying Funk is, they show this commerical where he's in a car and saying, "Women, this is for you. This '97 Dodge... (Insert a Dodge car, i'm bad with car names) is just for you!" And he has this funny grin on his face and everything. Classic.
Then we see WWF's violent bastard son, the ECW, which stands for Extreme Championship Wrestling, where there are no rules and you can use tables, desks, lamps, chainsaws, whatever works best. The amazing thing about this segment is this whole thing is done out of the basement of the guy who created it mother. I stay in a basement...hmm....
Then the next hour we get some heartfelt stories from wrestlers Mick Foley and Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Mick Foley's been in the business for a long ass time, and here he is using the name "Mankind". Mick Foley falls down a lot and gets beaten on a regular basis, which worries his very hot wife and his two kids. The most disturbing part of this film is when Mick invites his family to a match with The Rock (You know, the "can you smell" guy) and they watch in horror as The Rock beats the shit out of him with a metal chair. Over. And over. And over. And over...etc. Finally, the family had enough and they just left. A few months later, Barry showed the footage to Mick and he got all teary eyed and said he wouldn't do stuff like that anymore. I guess he stay true to his word, he now writes books. I swear.
The story on Jake The Snake is even sadder. He was a big WWF wrestler, where his gimmick is to have a snake with him. Get it, The Snake? Hehehehehe.... Well anyway, Jake The Snake faded away like all wrestlers do, but Barry tracked him down in Pennslyvania, where he wrestles with that name, but in events that aren't good enough to even appear on public access. Jake The Snake is fat and balding and he does drugs and, well, it gets depressing.
And he isn't a great father either. He reunited with his daughter Randy (or Randi) for this movie, but it was short lived, for Jake The Snake went back to doing crack and then ended up getting arrested for not paying child support.
Sad, really. Oh, and the film ends on this high note. Yay...I guess.
Actually, I found the whole thing quite interesting. I think it's great that there is evidence that wrestling is fake, cause there are some hardheaded jackasses who say "No way man!! Wrestling's real!!!" I just wish Barry would've done more, like interview Hulk Hogan and Macho Man and other great wrestlers from when I was growing up. And I'm not big on wrestling, but I think I'm a little more aware about it and maybe, just maybe, I'd watch some of it.
YOU HEAR ME TALKING, MANKIND!! I'M TALKING TO YOU!!! ME AND YOU, IN THE RING!!!!! YOU CAN NOT BEAT...
THE MOVIE BUFF!!!!!!
3 stars.
"Beyond The Mat" on IMDb.com:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0218043/